Catching Up and Being the Bigger Person

It's been quite awhile since I've made the effort to sit down and write out my thoughts on here.

I think I gave up because it got a little too public, maybe too personal. it was easy writing things down knowing that if someone was reading them I probably didn't know them and would never have to actually talk to them about it. then other people caught on and I think it started to scare me that people who actually knew me, who actually cared, and who actually wanted answers were reading.

Since I stopped writing life has been it's typical roller coaster that I always seem to live on, but I do miss writing things down. It's how I remember. Whether remembering is good or bad I've yet to completely determine, but I figured it's probably time to give it another shot.

I spent most of last year in an odd funk that I don't think ever really left me. I was working a job that I hated, dating someone who was completely amazing and one of the most loving people ever, but I had no feelings for, and just skating by with the rest of everything else.

At times I feel rather pathetic writing out these rantings that are so trivial when compared to other peoples lives. Yet, isn't that the epitome of the human condition? We're never happy with what we have and we always want what someone else has. The whole "grass is greener" cliche.

Anyway I have to get it out somehow and I'll leave it up to anyone who manages to come across this to leave it up to their perspective on the shallowness or sorrow that is my life.

To catch you up, my life has seen some good pick ups in the past few months. I finished my junior year of college, started an amazing year long internship with one of the largest banks in the world, moved into a house with 3 of my best friends, and just recently started dating someone again.

At least I hope we're still dating. He's currently not speaking to me because I think I may have pushed a bit too hard on an issue, but hey that's me. I can never just leave anything alone. I should probably be the bigger person and apologize for pushing too hard, but to be totally honest I have yet to get to be the young stupid kid in a relationship. I always try so hard to think things through and do the mature thing. Granted I'm definitely not always right in what I do. It would just be nice if someone would chase after me, be the bigger person,  put in some effort.

Writing is already helping me think and understand more. It's even helped me send that painful message of apology, but this time I just needed to set aside my pride and think of someone else.

Hopefully it doesn't back fire on me.

Until next time...

S

Dear Lance,

Dear Lance,

Our relationship has been over for 8 months now and we haven't talked since November. Yet, here I am, still thinking about you everyday of my life. I tried reaching out to you and you obviously didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't even warrant a response. Nothing. Not a "leave me alone", "I'm not interested", not even a "fuck off". Just nothing.

You're still the only one I've ever wanted. The only one I can say I loved. To this day my heart still belongs to you and I haven't been whole in a very long time. There's no way we could ever erase what you did to me and maybe I didn't give you the second chance you deserved, which is why I'm not geting a second chance.

Either way I still dream of holding you in my arms. Every new date I go on I wish it was you. I can't drive on 694 without wishing I was driving to your apartment. Cub foods makes me think of the 45 minutes we spent arguing over macaroni and cheese. Every time I see an Acura I remember the smile on your face when you asked if I wanted to go for a midnight ride the day you bought yours. Ikea makes me wonder if that furniture I put together on our frist date is still holding up. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, there you are. Only now you're just a memory growing fainter with time.

Yet, I know you don't want to have anything to do with me. You've let go and moved on and I'm the one left behind. I've never been able to let anyone else in like I did for you. I've never felt the feelings I did for you, both sorrow and joy. You truly had my heart Lance, but it's time. I need to let go once and for all. I need to say goodbye so that I can move on with my life and find someone. I need to be free.

You don't have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or even an email address that I know. Just your phone number and I've now deleted that from my phone. I have no way of contacting you. No way of holding on.

I can only hope you find the best Lance. I know you have a lot to give and someday you will make someone very happy. I'm just sorry I didn't see it earlier. I would've held on an not let go. You would've been mine.

Here's to a new life separate from each other unless fate brings us together again.

Goodbye, Lance.

Love forever and always,

-S