Long time no write! Life has been crazy. Between school and work and being an RA it feels that I have no time to myself anymore. Without time to myself I have very little time to write, and I think I'm starting to realize the toll it's been taking on me mentally.
I always seem to do that don't I? I write until things start going well in life and then I stop. Then a few weeks go by and I start to not feel so great anymore, then maybe a month or two and I really start to realize all my thoughts are getting all jumbled up in my head like the neurons can't find the right filing cabinet or something.
So, here I am. Sitting on my couch at 12:41am writing. Letting my thoughts be written down and eventually posted out on the internet for the world to see. I still can't quite figure out why that seems to help the most. I've had very few comments on my blogs, but even without comments it helps to just have even the slightest chance that people are reading this and that my story is out there.
As I said before life has been hectic lately. I'm going to school full time as well as working as a personal assistant to the CEO of a company 20 hours a week, as well as being an RA again. My days are non-stop and my weekends are too short. Needless to say this leaves very little time for a love life. Yet, the confusing thing is I'm having more sex now than I ever have.
As you probably could have guessed my time with Chad came and went. He's down in the Caribbean now becoming a doctor. We've exchanged about 3 Facebook messages and that's the extent of our promise to stay in touch with each other. I'm back on all the dating sites. The good, bad, and ugly. It seems I've got guys left and right trying to hook up with me, which for a few I've given into temptation.
Yet, even with all this NSA fun, and a secret night life of boys I can't help but feel something missing from my life. The sex is great. Don't get me wrong there, but it's missing meaning. They come over, we go at it, they leave. That's that. I haven't actually slept with someone (as in lying in a bed and sleeping) since July when I stayed with Chad.
I can't remember the last time I've gotten to cuddle up with a boy and watch a movie, or stay up late talking while he fiddles with my fingers. There's no intimacy to my life. Sexually I'm totally satisfied, but mentally I'm still totally alone.
One of my friends sent me this link today: http://narrative.ly/2012/10/lost-in-space/
I found it to be a very interesting read on another writers take on online dating sites and hookup apps like Grindr. Reading it actually made me take a step back and think about what it is that I'm putting out on those sites.
As an economics major I began to think about this a little more economically. The author talks about how he's witnessed people go through the stages of being new and timid. Having a dorky profile picture and looking for "love" until finally moving to have a naked picture and being as sexual as possible.
It's all about how you can make yourself become more in demand. It doesn't matter who's messaging you as long as you're getting 15 new messages a day. So what if that's not even the real you out there in cyber space. The fake you gets messages. We've managed to find a way to turn ourselves into commodities. We are now merchandise sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked up by the right customer.
It's no longer a matter of trial and error in trying to find the person we want. Now we just check the box and everyone who doesn't meet our standards is filtered out. No more cute stories of how you met, now it's a made to order boyfriend and if you don't fit the specifications you're out. Onto the next customer.
I know this is something I do a lot of. I have this perfect man in my head. The one that is made just for me and I won't accept anything else out of a real life boyfriend than what I've created in my head. So instead of making compromises with myself I spend hours searching sites, filtering out those who don't match and trying to get those that do to pay attention to me.
Even with the thousands of men out there on the internet I'm still sitting here alone. Searching for this dream man who probably doesn't even exist, and if he did I'm sure he wouldn't fancy me.
Now don't get me wrong. I understand the value of dating sites and I really believe that some of the most loving relationships are a result of a dating profile, but what I do disagree with is the commercialization of the human being. Thanks to these sites we now have to market ourselves as best we can in order to attract our dream person.
I'd like to say I'm abandoning all the sites and apps, but as usual that is a no. I'll be keeping them for now. Hopefully I'll be able to ween myself off of them nice and slow as cold turkey really doesn't seem to work.
On a happier note, there is this boy at my school I have my eye on. We'll call him Andre. He's an exchange student from Estonia and he's gorgeous! He's about 5' 8" tall with bright blonde hair and vibrant blue eyes. Just gorgeous. A fellow RA has him as a resident and she managed to give him my phone number today. Now my fingers are crossed as I wait for a text! I might try to see if I can find some way to "run into him" and introduce myself properly.
Enough babble from me for now. I have to be ready for class and work again tomorrow! G'night and thanks for reading. I forget how much I need you.
-S
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