Blubbering

Have you ever scrolled through Facebook and Twitter and taken a peek into the lives of others. Of course you have. Who hasn't? Yet, have you looked through everyone else's life and then take a look at your own life.

I did that today, actually for the past couple days, and every time I end up feeling horrible. I feel so stuck. For some reason it seem that everyone I know is off doing some kind of amazing thing, going on a great adventure, visiting with friends, just anything.

Then there's me. Sitting there looking at their lives while mine stands still here. I just feel so stuck. Like I'm not going anywhere. My days are filled with work and then nothing. When I come home I'm so brain dead that I just plop down on the couch and watch tv. The things is though I'm not sure when things are going to change for me. I still have two years of school left, so that means I'm here in Minneapolis for at least that much time. Yet, what do I really have to look forward to once I'm out of school? Then I just go into the workforce full time.

I've been in this rut all summer. Really ever since Chad left I haven't been the same. There was something wrong before Chad was in the picture, but when he left that was like the catalyst for it all to come cascading down.

The thing that tears me apart is that I want to be strong. I want to say to myself "suck it up! You're better than this", I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want it to go away. I want to be proud of who I am and what I've made of my life, but I can't seem to bring myself to do that.

It seems as though my self-esteem and self-worth are at an all time low. I'm not sure what to do to fix it either. I'm trying my best to just let go of a lot of it. I'm trying to let go of Chad, of feeling like I haven't done enough with my life, of feeling like I'll never meet a guy that will really love me.

Ugh. Look at me just blubbering on. Reaching out for nothing. Right now I'm doing my best to just hold on as best I can. Waiting for that moment when something changes, when something finally happens in my life that just makes me realize what I have.

It'll come someday. Even if I have to chase it for a long long time. It'll come.

I hope.