Bedtime Thoughts

As I sit here thinking about how I should be asleep since I have to be up in 7.5 hours my mind seems to be wandering about from topic to topic not really letting me rest. In my last post I wrote about how I was in a rut, how I was feeling kin of depressed, how I was just plain stuck.

The thing is I don't think I'm completely out of that rut. Yet, I'm not really sure what's missing from my life right now. It doesn't really help that I've been on my own most of the weekend leaving me with a lot of time to just sit and ponder my life and my sorrows. While I'm not exactly sitting here crying "woe is me" I still can't quite figure out what's nto right with me. Something is still off.

I think the biggest problem is I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Since giving up my connection to the world of hookups and one nighters I've had to face the reality of not really knowing who the real me is. I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. There's no doubt there, but at the same time I'm back to having those feelings of thinking that I'm not really meant to be with anyone else.

Now I know many will say that I'm young. I have plenty of time to find someone. I know that, but at the same time when I picture my future it is just so blurry. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and my thoughts and views on my life have changed so much in just the last few months.

The other thing I've been fighting with is that I know right now I feel like I want someone special in my life. I want someone to be able to share things with. I want someone to cuddle up to and watch a movie. I want someone to fight with. Yet, do I really have the time to bring someone into my life? I barely have time for myself right now, and things will only get worse  come September.

I think this may be part of the reason I'm still stuck on Chad. He give me the ability to feel that connection to someone without having to really create time to be with them. That and I still can't deny the fact that he's managed to stir up feelings deep down inside of me that I've only felt once before.

Well this post isn't really going anywhere as it's basically just turned into a jumble of random thoughts... so with that I say goodnight.