I'm Going Home

I spent the last weekend up in northern Minnesota in my hometown. It was what I wold consider an "interesting" experience to say the least. You see I haven't been home since Christmas so that's about 7 months and even when I was home for Christmas I was only there for about 5 days total.

Yet, going home didn't really feel like going home this time. Yeah it's where my parents are and some good friends from high school, but other than that I really have no more attachement to the place. It's the place I grew up, it's the place that has had quite a large influence on who I am today, but it's also a place of torture for me. It's a place that never really let me feel safe to be myself and I still don't. I vowed at a very young age that I would leave and never really look back. So far, I'm doing a damn good job.

Going back I get a lot of looks from those who know me. I see it in their eyes when they talk to me. They ask me what I've been doing and how the "big city" is treating me, so naturally I tell them. I give them the speech of how I'm going to a university for finacne and economics, I work for the Dean of Students at my school, I'm an RA, and I hold another job as the personal assistant to the CEO of a company. Once I'm done comes the look. That look of "well, you're obviously too good for us now."

The entire weekend I felt like an alien there. The place I had lived for 18 years hasn't changed since I left, but I still felt like a foreigner. Even my own friends seemed to look at me different. Not in a way of disgust like the others I managed to run into, but almost in a way of loss and sadness. I haven't seen many of them since I was last home and I could tell they were looking at me as the one who got out. The one who left and didn't come back.

The thing is, I'm no where near done. I've got a long way to go and I'm going to become even more of an alien to that land. Coming back to the city on Sunday I felt more at home than I had all weekend. I felt like I had left the lies of what I had been for 18 years behind on that long drive back and the closer I got to the city the closer I got to being myself. To being home.

Well I will always consider that place my hometown it is no longer home. It's not a place I yearn to be. It's not a place that holds my heart. There really isn't anything left for me there besides my parents. For now the city and this college is my home. It's the place where I am free to be the real me and it's the place that's going to nurture me into becoming the person I want to be and it will push me further that I can even imagine. There is nothing left for me back there, there is only the rest of the world to be explored, so there is no reason to look back on something that holds nothing for me.

To catch those of you who might actually follow this up on my life I kind of left this blog in a bad place. My last post came from a spot of desperation, confusion, and exhaustion. I was stuck. I was still depressed about Chad leaving and to make matters worse I eliminated any connection I once had to most of my other "friends" by deleting Grindr, Manhunt, etc. I was alone for the first time since I had turned 18. It's still a struggle everyday because I do feel very alone. My phone rarely rings anymore as for the first time in a long time I'm not stringing 3 to 4 guys along at the same time.

I can say I think it's making me a better person. I've been focusing on the friendships I have in my life and have actually become much better friends with an old hookup. I've learned to say no. I no longer get texts at 10:00 at night saying "Come over". I now realize what I have to offer to someone else, but now have the willpower to actually wait for the right man to come along.

I really have no idea where Chad and I stand. We rarely talk and I know my chances of seeing him again before he moves to the Caribbean is basically at a 0%. Over time I've been able to let go of him a lot. I mean don't get me wrong I still think about him every single day, multiple times a day, but at the same time I know how ridiculous it is to try and hold onto him when he's going to be so far away. Plus he's making it a little easier by not showing much interest in me either. At times I get upset because I can see him using some of the same tactics I have in the past when I'm trying to phase someone out of my life, but I don't want to confront him on it. I just wish that if that's what he really wanted he would have the guts to say it to me so that I can really let go.

For the mean time I'm spending some quality time working on myself. Getting comfortable with who I am, and getting ready to put up a fight when someone comes along thinking they are going to be the next man in my life.

Its been a roller coaster ride of a summer, and the rest of the year is going to be just as crazy if not worse. I just hope I can hold it together and come out on top.