Have you ever woken up in the morning with a feeling in the pit of your stomach? You're not sure what it is, but you know it's not normal. It doesn't feel like you're sick, it's not that kind of feeling. It's odd, rotted deep down. Somewhere you can't seem to find, somewhere that isn't accessible.
The past 3 or 4 weeks of my life have gone like this. I wake up every morning and feel that odd feeling deep down inside me. I open my eyes and I want to shut them again immediately. Something isn't right. I haven't felt like myself the past few weeks. I haven't been smiling, I haven't wanted to be awake. I've been drinking a lot more, and I've been insanely crabby and temperamental.
I knew something was wrong, but to the extent I had no idea until the other night. In a random conversation with my roommates they both admitted to me that I haven't been myself lately. It turns out that a few others have been asking about me and inquiring as to what's wrong with me. Another friend even said "I do miss the happy Sean."
What's wrong with me? My smile is gone. My joy for life is gone. I wake up everyday and I let the day pass. I go through the motions and then I go to sleep. I get up the next day and do it over. It's not that I'm being overly emotional. In fact it the strict opposite. I have no emotion. I feel nothing.
It's like the real me has left my body and gone on a vacation leaving a shell behind.
My roommates seem to think that it's because Chad is gone, but I don't think that's the entire story. I've had boys leave before, I'm almost a pro at moving onto the next. Yet, I'm not really moving on, nor am I clinging to Chad. We haven't spoken in about two days, as it appears he's ignoring me so I'm just giving him some space, but it doesn't seem to bother me all that much.
It's like I'm in some kind of rut. Lost out in the wilderness somewhere with no one to pull me out and I don't quite know how to help myself. There have been a few moments when I've seen a glimpse of the old me, but not when I'm alone. When I'm alone I sit here with my thoughts, but the problem is it seems there aren't really any thoughts left, so I just sit.
Bleh. This post doesn't even have enough thought behind it for me to continue. It's just turned into ramblings. So for now I think I'm done. Hopefully some real thoughts will come my way.
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