Normally I would consider myself someone who is rather emotionally detached from a lot of things. I'm not sure why this is, probably somewhat because of my upbringing. I come from a home where I know I am loved, but it's not exactly shown or spoken that often. I think I could count on my hand the number of times I have told my parents that I love them.
I think some of this has crossed over into how I deal with relationships. Some of the people who know me best may disagree with what I am about to say, but I really feel that I don't fall for someone easily. In my entire lifetime there has only been one person that I feel has evoked any sort of emotional attachment to my heart strings.
At times this can be a great quality to have. I can easily break off relationships that I feel aren't working out and move on quite quickly without remorse. It makes the ideas of hookups much easier knowing that I probably won't develop any real feelings for the person anyway. It even helps me focus on other things in life at times because I'm very rarely completely distracted from my life (besides being on my phone far too much) due to a boy.
Yet, this blessing of not having to worry about developing feelings for a person can also quickly become a major curse. Especially when you've decided it would be nice to leave the world of hookups and try this whole "long term monogamous thing". It makes it hard to find someone worth it because no one really makes you feel like taking that step.
Even beyond finding someone to bring up feelings is being able to leave my comfort zone. I know how I work and what seems to be best for me at the time. Leaving my little niche of how I run my life is a very scary thing. It's the idea of being completely vulnerable.
Now because of what I just wrote many of you may be under the impression that I'm a very cold, unemotional person. Which, at times, I can be. I often have an "I don't care attitude" and send out a lot of sarcasm, but at the same time I try my best to be there for those closest to me when I can tell they need it. It's hardly my favorite thing in the world, but I'll do it because I care.
If you follow any of what I write you can probably guess that this post has been spurred on by Chad's return. I was lucky enough to see him last night and it quickly become one of the best nights of my summer, but at the same time one of the worst.
Just seeing his face instantly put me in the best mood I have been in since he left. I had a horrible last week and had spent most of the day with my feet in a trash can of cold water trying to combat the temperatures of our apartment, but seeing him made it all go away. Even today I'm walking around with a spring in my step, wide awake and chipper after only 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
I don't think I've ever seen someone light up as much as he did just looking at me. At every stoplight in the car he would glance over and just smile. During dinner it was just chatter as usual, no awkward silence, no moments of me questioning when I could go home. Then the rest of the evening was just filled with smiles and kisses.
Now that I'm done making you all vomit from cuteness comes the part that I hate. I have feelings for this boy. Some pretty intense ones. Even today after leaving his hotel I just got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Trust me I've had my fair share of having a good evening with a boy, but they've never ended with that feeling.
It was something that took my totally by surprise. I thought I'd just get in my car and go on with my day, but the entire drive back and even right now thinking about it I just have this weird feeling sitting there, not moving.
This is what scares me the most. It seems like I've finally found another person who brings up even the slightest stir of some potentially major feelings and he leaves me in a week. What I'm going to try and do right now is just ignore them. I'll let them be there, but I'm going to do my best to ignore the fact that he's leaving and just make the most of what little time I do have with him.
At the end of the week we can sit down and have a chat and see what's going to happen. I'm sure you'll be the first to know what happens. At times you're the only one who will listen.
Thanks for reading.
-S
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