Well, so far so good on that part. I've deleted all my accounts and haven't looked back. At times I feel a little lonely not having my safety net of endless compliments and flirts to fall back on, but at the same time I feel much better. I'm focusing more on the relationships that actually mean something to me rather than burying my nose in my phone looking for the nearest, newest gay guy on Grindr.
Removing all of those things from my life was the easy part. All I simply had to do was click "Deactivate" and, poof, it was gone. The problem is my phone has turned into a hookup app in itself. Of the 218 contacts currently sitting in my iPhone a quick count shows 74 that could easily be talked into sex, or ask for it on a regular basis.
It's constant temptation. Especially on nights like this where I sit here in my apartment by myself trying not to think about how lonely I feel. Yet, at the same time I have no desire whatsoever to speak with any of those boys. I know what they want, and it's not what I want anymore. What I don't know how to do is figure out a way to say no to all these boys. I've never been able to say no. I guess now is the time to learn and I better learn fast.
I've already made a lot of bad choices in the short time I have been in the gay community. It's time I start using my brain. Making decisions that are going to benefit me in the long run. I know this isn't going to be easy, but so far I've been able to make it work. I have said no, about twice already and it actually felt really good. I'm not sure how good it will feel a few more months down the road when I haven't had sex in a long time, but I just hope I can learn to be strong.
In a way I feel as though comparing the gay community to the mob is rather fitting. You start out innocent and afraid. After some time you get your feet wet, you join a "family", then you start to move up in the ranks. You're name starts to get known. People learn about what you've done, or who in this case. You gain respect and influence, you develop an entourage. Eventually with enough good looks, money, and influence you make your way to the top. Yet, try leaving. It's not an easy thing. It can quickly get messy when you start saying know to the wrong people. When you try to leave the family the family turns against you.
Some still question why I would want to leave, or if I even really can. Why do I want to leave? It's simple. I want something more. I want a connection. I want to have someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there for me through everything. Someone who eventually I get to come home to every night. I want a house, cars, a dog, a career. I want a normal life with a partner that loves me unconditionally for who I am.
Obviously all of this type of thinking is roaming around in my head because of Chad. If you've been reading you probably noticed that I was doing a lot of ranting and raving about feeling like I've ruined something. Well I was completely and utterly wrong and put myself through 3 days of living hell for nothing.
Chad and I had a nice discussion about our relationship today. While I can't say that the end result was quite what I wanted it makes sense. We discussed out feelings for each other, Chad admitting that he has some pretty major feelings for me, but as usual the fact of him moving to the Caribbean for med school in a little over a month was looming overhead.
We've come to the decision that there isn't a title to what we are. We aren't dating, we're both technically single, but at the same time neither of us are going to be pursuing other relationships. I know I'm naive to think that Chad will become a hermit and not talk to any boys, but at the same time I have confidence that his feelings for me are true.
We've promised to continue talking, which I know in most cases is usually just the easy way to slowly phase someone out of your life, but I do feel this is different. There's talking of him coming up here for a weekend in August so that we can see each other one more time before he leaves. My request to see him at various points throughout his time in med school have gone very well accepted.
While it may seem silly to many to be devoting yourself to a person who you don't even have an official relationship with it's all I've got right now. I've had very little good luck in my life relationship wise, so when something good comes along I've got to try my best to hold on. Besides if I devote myself to this and really buckle down and focus on my life like I need to maybe even more of my dreams will come true.
My last year of school didn't go to well. I wasn't focused. I wasn't determined. All I really wanted to do was watch tv and find boys to hang out with. Well, maybe this is my chance to change things. To set my life in the right direction. In devoting myself to Chad for the next two years what's the worst that could happen? I get my life on course, graduate with honors, become successful in my work? Oh, yeah you're all saying, "What if Chad doesn't stay true and you've wasted two years of you life?"
My answer to that is I haven't wasted any time. I'm 20. By the time Chad is back and we can start discussing the idea of a real relationship I'll be 22. It's not like it's the end of the world if I get back into the dating game at 22. The biggest thing for me is if I can devote myself here, I will be able to finally prove to myself that I can accomplish what I sent my mind to. I can be strong, and I can accomplish great things.
I've come to a point in my life where the road forks. In one direction I have the path that might look fun. It's filled with hookups, parties, and much more of the type. In the other, I've got studying, working, spending time with my friends, and devoting myself to a boy that's 3000 miles away.
I choose the "boring" path. I choose the path that leads to my escape. The path that leads me to success.
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