Have you ever scrolled through Facebook and Twitter and taken a peek into the lives of others. Of course you have. Who hasn't? Yet, have you looked through everyone else's life and then take a look at your own life.
I did that today, actually for the past couple days, and every time I end up feeling horrible. I feel so stuck. For some reason it seem that everyone I know is off doing some kind of amazing thing, going on a great adventure, visiting with friends, just anything.
Then there's me. Sitting there looking at their lives while mine stands still here. I just feel so stuck. Like I'm not going anywhere. My days are filled with work and then nothing. When I come home I'm so brain dead that I just plop down on the couch and watch tv. The things is though I'm not sure when things are going to change for me. I still have two years of school left, so that means I'm here in Minneapolis for at least that much time. Yet, what do I really have to look forward to once I'm out of school? Then I just go into the workforce full time.
I've been in this rut all summer. Really ever since Chad left I haven't been the same. There was something wrong before Chad was in the picture, but when he left that was like the catalyst for it all to come cascading down.
The thing that tears me apart is that I want to be strong. I want to say to myself "suck it up! You're better than this", I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want it to go away. I want to be proud of who I am and what I've made of my life, but I can't seem to bring myself to do that.
It seems as though my self-esteem and self-worth are at an all time low. I'm not sure what to do to fix it either. I'm trying my best to just let go of a lot of it. I'm trying to let go of Chad, of feeling like I haven't done enough with my life, of feeling like I'll never meet a guy that will really love me.
Ugh. Look at me just blubbering on. Reaching out for nothing. Right now I'm doing my best to just hold on as best I can. Waiting for that moment when something changes, when something finally happens in my life that just makes me realize what I have.
It'll come someday. Even if I have to chase it for a long long time. It'll come.
I hope.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Bedtime Thoughts
As I sit here thinking about how I should be asleep since I have to be up in 7.5 hours my mind seems to be wandering about from topic to topic not really letting me rest. In my last post I wrote about how I was in a rut, how I was feeling kin of depressed, how I was just plain stuck.
The thing is I don't think I'm completely out of that rut. Yet, I'm not really sure what's missing from my life right now. It doesn't really help that I've been on my own most of the weekend leaving me with a lot of time to just sit and ponder my life and my sorrows. While I'm not exactly sitting here crying "woe is me" I still can't quite figure out what's nto right with me. Something is still off.
I think the biggest problem is I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Since giving up my connection to the world of hookups and one nighters I've had to face the reality of not really knowing who the real me is. I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. There's no doubt there, but at the same time I'm back to having those feelings of thinking that I'm not really meant to be with anyone else.
Now I know many will say that I'm young. I have plenty of time to find someone. I know that, but at the same time when I picture my future it is just so blurry. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and my thoughts and views on my life have changed so much in just the last few months.
The other thing I've been fighting with is that I know right now I feel like I want someone special in my life. I want someone to be able to share things with. I want someone to cuddle up to and watch a movie. I want someone to fight with. Yet, do I really have the time to bring someone into my life? I barely have time for myself right now, and things will only get worse come September.
I think this may be part of the reason I'm still stuck on Chad. He give me the ability to feel that connection to someone without having to really create time to be with them. That and I still can't deny the fact that he's managed to stir up feelings deep down inside of me that I've only felt once before.
Well this post isn't really going anywhere as it's basically just turned into a jumble of random thoughts... so with that I say goodnight.
The thing is I don't think I'm completely out of that rut. Yet, I'm not really sure what's missing from my life right now. It doesn't really help that I've been on my own most of the weekend leaving me with a lot of time to just sit and ponder my life and my sorrows. While I'm not exactly sitting here crying "woe is me" I still can't quite figure out what's nto right with me. Something is still off.
I think the biggest problem is I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Since giving up my connection to the world of hookups and one nighters I've had to face the reality of not really knowing who the real me is. I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. There's no doubt there, but at the same time I'm back to having those feelings of thinking that I'm not really meant to be with anyone else.
Now I know many will say that I'm young. I have plenty of time to find someone. I know that, but at the same time when I picture my future it is just so blurry. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and my thoughts and views on my life have changed so much in just the last few months.
The other thing I've been fighting with is that I know right now I feel like I want someone special in my life. I want someone to be able to share things with. I want someone to cuddle up to and watch a movie. I want someone to fight with. Yet, do I really have the time to bring someone into my life? I barely have time for myself right now, and things will only get worse come September.
I think this may be part of the reason I'm still stuck on Chad. He give me the ability to feel that connection to someone without having to really create time to be with them. That and I still can't deny the fact that he's managed to stir up feelings deep down inside of me that I've only felt once before.
Well this post isn't really going anywhere as it's basically just turned into a jumble of random thoughts... so with that I say goodnight.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I'm Going Home
I spent the last weekend up in northern Minnesota in my hometown. It was what I wold consider an "interesting" experience to say the least. You see I haven't been home since Christmas so that's about 7 months and even when I was home for Christmas I was only there for about 5 days total.
Yet, going home didn't really feel like going home this time. Yeah it's where my parents are and some good friends from high school, but other than that I really have no more attachement to the place. It's the place I grew up, it's the place that has had quite a large influence on who I am today, but it's also a place of torture for me. It's a place that never really let me feel safe to be myself and I still don't. I vowed at a very young age that I would leave and never really look back. So far, I'm doing a damn good job.
Going back I get a lot of looks from those who know me. I see it in their eyes when they talk to me. They ask me what I've been doing and how the "big city" is treating me, so naturally I tell them. I give them the speech of how I'm going to a university for finacne and economics, I work for the Dean of Students at my school, I'm an RA, and I hold another job as the personal assistant to the CEO of a company. Once I'm done comes the look. That look of "well, you're obviously too good for us now."
The entire weekend I felt like an alien there. The place I had lived for 18 years hasn't changed since I left, but I still felt like a foreigner. Even my own friends seemed to look at me different. Not in a way of disgust like the others I managed to run into, but almost in a way of loss and sadness. I haven't seen many of them since I was last home and I could tell they were looking at me as the one who got out. The one who left and didn't come back.
The thing is, I'm no where near done. I've got a long way to go and I'm going to become even more of an alien to that land. Coming back to the city on Sunday I felt more at home than I had all weekend. I felt like I had left the lies of what I had been for 18 years behind on that long drive back and the closer I got to the city the closer I got to being myself. To being home.
Well I will always consider that place my hometown it is no longer home. It's not a place I yearn to be. It's not a place that holds my heart. There really isn't anything left for me there besides my parents. For now the city and this college is my home. It's the place where I am free to be the real me and it's the place that's going to nurture me into becoming the person I want to be and it will push me further that I can even imagine. There is nothing left for me back there, there is only the rest of the world to be explored, so there is no reason to look back on something that holds nothing for me.
To catch those of you who might actually follow this up on my life I kind of left this blog in a bad place. My last post came from a spot of desperation, confusion, and exhaustion. I was stuck. I was still depressed about Chad leaving and to make matters worse I eliminated any connection I once had to most of my other "friends" by deleting Grindr, Manhunt, etc. I was alone for the first time since I had turned 18. It's still a struggle everyday because I do feel very alone. My phone rarely rings anymore as for the first time in a long time I'm not stringing 3 to 4 guys along at the same time.
I can say I think it's making me a better person. I've been focusing on the friendships I have in my life and have actually become much better friends with an old hookup. I've learned to say no. I no longer get texts at 10:00 at night saying "Come over". I now realize what I have to offer to someone else, but now have the willpower to actually wait for the right man to come along.
I really have no idea where Chad and I stand. We rarely talk and I know my chances of seeing him again before he moves to the Caribbean is basically at a 0%. Over time I've been able to let go of him a lot. I mean don't get me wrong I still think about him every single day, multiple times a day, but at the same time I know how ridiculous it is to try and hold onto him when he's going to be so far away. Plus he's making it a little easier by not showing much interest in me either. At times I get upset because I can see him using some of the same tactics I have in the past when I'm trying to phase someone out of my life, but I don't want to confront him on it. I just wish that if that's what he really wanted he would have the guts to say it to me so that I can really let go.
For the mean time I'm spending some quality time working on myself. Getting comfortable with who I am, and getting ready to put up a fight when someone comes along thinking they are going to be the next man in my life.
Its been a roller coaster ride of a summer, and the rest of the year is going to be just as crazy if not worse. I just hope I can hold it together and come out on top.
Yet, going home didn't really feel like going home this time. Yeah it's where my parents are and some good friends from high school, but other than that I really have no more attachement to the place. It's the place I grew up, it's the place that has had quite a large influence on who I am today, but it's also a place of torture for me. It's a place that never really let me feel safe to be myself and I still don't. I vowed at a very young age that I would leave and never really look back. So far, I'm doing a damn good job.
Going back I get a lot of looks from those who know me. I see it in their eyes when they talk to me. They ask me what I've been doing and how the "big city" is treating me, so naturally I tell them. I give them the speech of how I'm going to a university for finacne and economics, I work for the Dean of Students at my school, I'm an RA, and I hold another job as the personal assistant to the CEO of a company. Once I'm done comes the look. That look of "well, you're obviously too good for us now."
The entire weekend I felt like an alien there. The place I had lived for 18 years hasn't changed since I left, but I still felt like a foreigner. Even my own friends seemed to look at me different. Not in a way of disgust like the others I managed to run into, but almost in a way of loss and sadness. I haven't seen many of them since I was last home and I could tell they were looking at me as the one who got out. The one who left and didn't come back.
The thing is, I'm no where near done. I've got a long way to go and I'm going to become even more of an alien to that land. Coming back to the city on Sunday I felt more at home than I had all weekend. I felt like I had left the lies of what I had been for 18 years behind on that long drive back and the closer I got to the city the closer I got to being myself. To being home.
Well I will always consider that place my hometown it is no longer home. It's not a place I yearn to be. It's not a place that holds my heart. There really isn't anything left for me there besides my parents. For now the city and this college is my home. It's the place where I am free to be the real me and it's the place that's going to nurture me into becoming the person I want to be and it will push me further that I can even imagine. There is nothing left for me back there, there is only the rest of the world to be explored, so there is no reason to look back on something that holds nothing for me.
To catch those of you who might actually follow this up on my life I kind of left this blog in a bad place. My last post came from a spot of desperation, confusion, and exhaustion. I was stuck. I was still depressed about Chad leaving and to make matters worse I eliminated any connection I once had to most of my other "friends" by deleting Grindr, Manhunt, etc. I was alone for the first time since I had turned 18. It's still a struggle everyday because I do feel very alone. My phone rarely rings anymore as for the first time in a long time I'm not stringing 3 to 4 guys along at the same time.
I can say I think it's making me a better person. I've been focusing on the friendships I have in my life and have actually become much better friends with an old hookup. I've learned to say no. I no longer get texts at 10:00 at night saying "Come over". I now realize what I have to offer to someone else, but now have the willpower to actually wait for the right man to come along.
I really have no idea where Chad and I stand. We rarely talk and I know my chances of seeing him again before he moves to the Caribbean is basically at a 0%. Over time I've been able to let go of him a lot. I mean don't get me wrong I still think about him every single day, multiple times a day, but at the same time I know how ridiculous it is to try and hold onto him when he's going to be so far away. Plus he's making it a little easier by not showing much interest in me either. At times I get upset because I can see him using some of the same tactics I have in the past when I'm trying to phase someone out of my life, but I don't want to confront him on it. I just wish that if that's what he really wanted he would have the guts to say it to me so that I can really let go.
For the mean time I'm spending some quality time working on myself. Getting comfortable with who I am, and getting ready to put up a fight when someone comes along thinking they are going to be the next man in my life.
Its been a roller coaster ride of a summer, and the rest of the year is going to be just as crazy if not worse. I just hope I can hold it together and come out on top.
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