Motivation

Happy weekend!

Well if you've been keeping up with my posts I recently wrote about how I was going to be trying for a new outlook on my life. So far I think it's been working!

This past week I went from being in a very glum and sad mood to being much happier with what I have.

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That picture is one of the many quotes I have floating around my room. This one is just simply written on a post-it note stuck to my desk, but it's really one of my favorites.

Well I titled this post "Motivation" for a reason. Today I was eating dinner with my friends and we were talking about summer. See we just signed a lease for an apartment last week, so we were talking about rent. My friend asked me if I had any kind of savings and I said no. I don't have a savings because I've been a little irresponsible with my money so far, and I've also provided a lot for myself because my parents aren't the most wealthy people.

At that point in time I said "that's why I'm going into finance." See, ever since I was little I knew I needed to do something that made me money. Now many of you may call this shallow and for the longest time I thought so too. Some of you may say, well why aren't you going into something you love, or something that makes the world a better place. Well, I just recently realized myself that I'm not trying to make money for me. I want to make money for others. I've always been a provider and protector. One of the ways I know to do that is by spending money on people.

Today at dinner I realized that my parents are quickly approaching 60. They have no savings, no retirement, no back-up plan. Nothing. Then the words "my mother will not be a greeter at Wal-Mart" came out of my mouth. Right then was when I realized why I'm doing all this. There will be a day when my parents want to retire. They aren't going to be able to do it on their own though, and my brothers aren't going to be able to help. So, in a way I almost feel like the burden lies with me to provide for my parents. Some of you may say that it's my parents fault for not preparing, but to that I say a big fat no. I have watched my parents work their butts off my entire life to give me everything they could. We never had much, but there also wasn't much I went without.  It's from them that I learned what a true work ethic was. For years I've watched my father get up everyday and go to a job he basically hates because he knows he has to in order to provide for his family. I'm not going to let that hard work go to waste. All the work they put into me is going to pay off, and if that pay off happens to be financial so be it. It's what I'm good at and it's what is truly going to make me happy in the end.

It's that realization that I've been searching for the past almost two years. I always knew I was here for a reason and now I feel like I've got some real motivation to keep going and to work hard. I not only want to provide for my parents. Someday I hope to be able to give my partner everything he wants and deserves. Now I hope he is just as successful and driven as me, but I just want to know that I can be there for him and not have to worry about things like bills. I also want to be able to provide for my friends. I have some amazing friends and a lot of them are going to do things that change the world  and make it so much better, but they won't make any money doing it. Well, here I am. Let me buy you something, let me pay a bill, let me take the burden off your life so you can continue to help others without worrying about finances.

So I suppose in a way my life revolves around money, but I'm really hoping that I'm not just doing this to make a lot of money and be selfish with it. I truly want to do good and help those close to me. I will be successful. No one is going to stop me.

Marriage Equality....errr nevermind

So this really wouldn't a blog written by a gay man if I didn't have some kind of blurb about marriage equality. Marriage equality is something that is a huge issues with our country and even our world right now. While for the most part I am pretty unpolitical (if that's even a real thing) there are somethings that I'm rather passionate about. 

For the first time in a long time I cried the other day. Why? Because of this video. While many of you may have already seen it I personally believe it is one of the most powerful marriage equality videos I have ever seen.

I can only keep it together until the door opens up and out come the parents. That's when I lose it every time. I must have seen this video about 20 times by now, but I still start to cry every time. See while I may be "out" I still haven't told everyone who is important to me. Here in Minneapolis almost everyone who knows me knows that I'm gay. Back home though it's a very different story.

I come from a small down almost directly in the center of the state. You know the kind, cute little shops, everyone knows everyone else's name, and yes we all go to church on Sunday morning. While needless to say this town is not very accepting of anything different. There is a massive amount of homophobia. I am one of maybe 6 gay men that I know of in the town. I'm sure there are more, but they are all highly closeted and for good reason.

Well, back to the reason I break down at that point in the video. I have yet to tell my parents. Many ask me why. I try my best to explain but it's very hard. One of the reasons is I don't want my parents to have to face adversity because of who I am. I will say that I am probably one of the most successful people to come out of that town, but all that success disappears once people find out who I really am. The other is a lot of worry. I have two older brothers, one of whom also happens to be gay. The other is very straight. Being the youngest I spent a lot of time comparing myself to my brothers. My oldest brother, we'll call him John is basically the family fuck up. He dropped out of high school when he was 16 and left my hometown. Since then he has had a life of drugs, jail and disease. Today he is currently living off welfare, has no driver's licence, and is HIV+. My other brother, we'll call him Derek, is a very different story. He graduated with honors after being an All-Star Hockey and Baseball player, went into the Coast Guard, got married had two kids and did everything he was supposed to. Until recently that is. He's currently going through a very rough divorce. Yet, I always feel like I'm competing with him. I always have to be better than him, yet with John I have always tired to be nothing like him. The problem is our family says we are an insane amount alike. I have worked my entire life to be nothing like John and to be better than Derek.

Now while I feel that my parents would be accepting of my homosexuality I know it's something that would worry my mother and at this point in life I can't give her more to worry about. See besides just my brothers life issues my parents are also struggling. My father tore both his rotator cuffs last year and has spent a lot of time out of work, so finances in my household are very tight. There was even a short time when my parents thought we would lose our house. So me being gay would just be another burden on my family that I can't bring out to them right now.

The reason I break down at that point is because that's my ultimate dream right now. I want to find a boy that makes me happy and comfortable enough that I can bring him home to mom and dad. I always told myself I would tell them once I had someone who I cared about enough to introduce them to my parents. It just makes me feel like my mom would worry less if she knew that I was in a stable relationship and not making the same mistakes as John. The problem is I have been. I've been sleeping around just as much as he had (I'm assuming, we don't actually talk). I've made the dangerous decision to have unprotected sex and so far I have been lucky enough that I haven't contracted anything. Yet, if I keep doing what I have been more likely that not someday I will. That's why, if you read my previous posts, I am taking that vow of celibacy until I find a guy that wants to work towards a relationship and is someone that I truly trust.

Well this has turned into more of a "why haven't I come out yet" than a marriage equality post. I'll save that topic for another day.

To fill you in on the happenings of my life some one of my options made the choice for me. Jerry texted me the other day letting me know that he had met someone and they were going to make things into an official relationship. Well part of me feels a weight off my shoulders, because I'm not sure I could have handled a relationship with him, but part of me is sad that the option is gone. As for the others I haven't heard from Luke or Brad in awhile, and I'm still fairly certain Blair has no idea I'm even a human being. I do have a new prospect though. We'll call him John. We've only been talking for a short time, but we might meet up for a date soon, maybe even tonight.

Thanks for reading!

-S

This is me...

*Disclaimer:This post is rather graphic and long*

This was me on September 12, 2007. The old me.

I would say I was relatively happy at this point in my life, or at least I thought I was. At this point in my life I was still really struggling with my sexuality. In fact at this point in my life I had been dating a girl for over a year.

I always knew I wasn't the same as all the rest of the guys I knew. There was just something different about me. I was always the cleanest, I always did my hair, I had impeccable design skills (while most boys were playing Grand Theft Auto I was playing  The Sims), and there was one other thing that really made me think.

It was the summer of my 8th grade year in school and I was about to enter into High School. I spent a lot of time over at a friends house that summer. Well one night while I was at that friends house another friend was over, we'll call him Tanner. when we went to bed that night I was lying on the couch in the family room and Tanner was on the floor below me. In the middle of the night I was woken up by a hand sneaking it's way through the blankets on top of me. At first I was scared, but didn't move. I quickly realized that it was Tanner's hand, he moved slowly through the blankets until he got to my crotch. Then he left his hand there for awhile and the continued moving, this time into my boxers.

Now at this point I had a basic idea of what was going on. I wanted to freak out, but we had other friends sleeping in the room with us and I didn't want them to see what Tanner was doing to me. The problem was Tanner got braver. He continued and slowly pulled off my boxers and kept on getting more and more under the covers. This kept going and eventually Tanner was on top of me. The entire time I kept quite and kept my eyes closed. I had no idea what to do, so I just layed there. Tanner eventually positioned himself on top of me and began to push himself down and have actual sexual intercourse with me. I again layed there and did nothing, not knowing what to do. After awhile he moved himself closer to me and attempted to make me give him a blow job, but this time I fought back a little. I just kept my eyes closed and clenched my jaw as hard as I could. Well, I'm thinking this made him mad because after several failed attempts he picked me up and flipped me over. He held me down a forced himself on me so he could have sex with me. I just remember an amazing amount of pain. I actually bit the arm of the couch to keep from screaming as I really didn't want to wake anyone up now. When he was done Tanner flip me over, pulled my boxers back on, covered me up and went back to sleep. The next morning he was happy and chipper and acted like nothing had even happened. This scene replayed itself about 3 more times that summer. Pretty much anytime he and I slept in the same room.

This was the time in my life when I was coming out of what I now actually believe to be a state of depression. I spent a lot of my life growing up dealing with suicidal thoughts. I  would lie in bed at night wondering if people would even notice if I was gone of if they would even care.

I have come so far from being that person. I'm almost an entirely new me. My Senior year is when I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I still didn't tell anyone that entire year, but I could already tell I was happier. My Junior and Senior years of high school where the times that I really blossomed. (yeah, cliche I know) I really came out of my shell though and by graduation I actually had a life worth caring for. I had some close friends, I was insanely involved, and I was generally happy. One thing was still missing though and that things was of course a boy.

The summer of my Senior year was when I met my first "boyfriend". It was right before I was going to be moving away from college and in a random happenstance I logged onto a chat room. Yes, a chat room. I had no idea what to do. Then a little box pops up on my computer screen. I responded to the box and it responded back. This went on for almost an hour. Then we moved to Skyping each other. When the screen popped up for the first time I was floored. Sitting there in my computer screen was a gorgeous boy, we'll call him Tony. Tony lived in California, was the same age as me, and was going through a lot of the same issues as me. We would Skype each other for hours and talk about everything. We eventually decided to start "dating" and we tried our best at a long distance relationship. Well as you can imagine that didn't work too well and we only lasted about 2 months. Tony and I remain friends to this day and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better first boyfriend. I really believe that is was the best way I could have transitioned into the gay world.

Since then, my ventures into the gay world have been pretty interesting to say the least. I haven't had very good luck with men so far. In the past year my list has grown substantially. Both on the dating and sexual sides. I'm actually slightly ashamed to even be saying that. I had no intentions of it, but before I knew it I was basically a man whore. Not a title one really strives to achieve in life. See with the exception of Lance who I mentioned in a previous post I have yet to make a relationship with a guy last longer than a month. My "friend" said something on Valentine's Day that has really stuck with me. "You always have so many good-looking boys. There's a lot of them...but they are all very good looking!" Now, I will say that I'm pretty popular with the boys here in Minneapolis. I'm not a perfect 10 by any means, but I would consider myself decently attractive. The problem seems to be that all these boys want from me is sex. I'll find what I think is an amazing guy and we'll talk, we'll hang out, but it seems that the day after we finally have sex he's done and bored with me. I also have a tendency to have sex on the first date, which I'm learning is a huge mistake.

The other problem is a lot of guys automatically assume I'm going to be a total and complete bottom. (For those of you who don't know this is the "catcher") For one I HATE this. Just because I'm skinny and slightly effeminate does not necessarily mean I just want to bend over for every hot guy I see. Besides, it's extremely hard for me to be a bottom as I can never relax because I have flashbacks to Tanner. This is extremely hard to explain to guys and can really kill the mood so I usually just say I have "physical problems" and leave it at that. The only guys I have ever bottomed for are the ones that I've really liked, granted I would never tell that to their faces that they were "special" or anything.

Well you might be asking yourself, "Why don't you just not sleep with these boys on the first date?" See, it's not that easy for me. It's almost impossible for me to say no and when it comes to sexual things I go straight back to Tanner. I clam up. I don't talk. I've gotten past the shaking thank God. I used to shake nonstop. It concerned the guys but I just brushed it off as "being cold". What Tanner did to me has had such a lasting effect I don't know if I will ever be able to get past it. I will say I've made some a amazing strides, but I'm still feeling the effects.

Continuing on, I'm afraid to say no because I don't want to lose the boy. Rejection is the worst thing for me. I want to be liked, I want to be loved, I want to please everyone. I'm even afraid to give boys my number because of a fear that they won't want to talk to me. When I have their number I'm afraid to text or call because I don't want to be clingy and annoying. The problem is by always saying yes, guys don't have to work for it. So they get what they want and give up. I should have learned though, that sex doesn't keep a boy around. In fact out of all my relationships the ONE where we didn't have sex lasted the longest. Yes, Lance and I never had sex, and that may be why I'm so hung up on him. He was the one I fell for with doing nothing besides sleeping in the bedroom.

Well it's time for me to make a change! I've got a few options right now, granted I'm not really sure how great they are. I have Jerry, Luke, Brad, and Blair, or at least that's what we'll call them. Yet, each guys comes with issues. Jerry is nice, sweet, and caring, but has MAJOR trust issues and lives a little too far away for my finances to be able to see him. Luke might be moving away soon. Brad says he doesn't know if a relationship is "in his books" right now, and Blair, well I'm pretty sure Blair doesn't even know I exist. Plus he's way out of my league, I would just really love the chance with him. I have a few more that could also be options, but anyway I've decided that I need to start doing this relationship thing right or not at all. No more hook-ups, no more first date sex, no more one nighters. I want to actually find a guy who will take me out on a date and take me home after instead of inviting me over. Yeah, some boys might call me a prude, but you know what I'm tired of being so "easy" I'm ready to have a guy work for me. I'm ready to make a connection and really find something meaningful. Hopefully there's one willing to take on the challenge. If not, I'm just going to be happy living the single life for awhile.

This is me on March 26, 2012. This is the new me.

Thanks for reading, hope I didn't babble too much!

Also please feel free to comment on anything I've posted. I'd love to hear your comments/thoughts/criticisms.

-S 

Time for a new outlook

As I sit here sucking down on this smoothie and quickly realizing that M&M's don't go well with Mango, I'm also realizing that my blog posts so far have been pretty "sad and lonely ish". With this thought in mind I was scrolling through Twitter when I came across a quote that has stuck with me most of the day today. "Never let people get to you. They can only pull the trigger if you hand them the gun." To me it seems that lately I've been "handing to gun" to a lot of people.

Now I'm one of those types of people that tend to run my life off of quotes. I use them for inspiration, motivation, pick-me-ups, laughs and so much more. My room is plastered with a few that I've found over the past months since I've moved to college and I write an inspirational quote on the white board outside my dorm room almost everyday. It's amazing how the power of words can do so much to elevate someone's mood as well as bring it down. Although, it seems like it always takes more to bring us up and one word can ruin our entire day.

Now, back to this original quote. Lately I've been in one of those "woe is me" moods. You know the type. Can't seems to find any good in your own life, everyone else seems to have it better than you, you can't seem to find that perfect significant other, or you do and they don't even knowledge your existence.  Yet, what is all of this? It's all handing the gun over to someone else.

I was recently reading an email from a fitness guru that I subscribe to and he was siting an article saying that once people reach their late 40's and early 50's is when they actually start to be the happiest they have ever been. Now why is this? It's because of the simple fact that they learn to shrug off the small stuff and basically stop handing people the gun. It seems that people in their younger years worry too often about what others are thinking and really stress themselves out over it. I totally agree. I've ranted and raved in my past posts about not being able to find the right boy and yadda yadda yadda. Well here's the issue with that; before I can let anyone else into my life and really accept them I need to learn how to accept myself. I need to be able to keep my own gun and hold it tight.

So in a way I think I'm going to make a personal pledge today that I will do my best to keep a hold of my own gun. I'm going to stop letting others have such control over my feelings. It's time for me to be happy with me and realize that I'm strong enough by myself and I don't need anyone to validate that by expressing feelings towards me.

Carpe diem!

-S

Straight Boy Dreams

Well I woke up this morning really wishing I was straight for some reason. Not only is this disheartening to the fact that I'm wishing I wasn't who I was, but I also woke up lying next to another man. Yes I managed to find myself a spring break hook-up with a very very cute boy actually. I just hated myself for thinking those thoughts this morning. What brought these thoughts around you might ask? Well as I was laying in bed I could hear into the room next to me, it was the boys roommate. He clearly had a girl over and they were just chatting. About what I couldn't hear, but I would hear mumbles of his voice and she would softly giggle. Then you could make out the sounds of a few light kisses. The picture it painted in my mind was just of that of a completely normal heterosexual couple. I could see the guy propped up on some pillows holding the girl in his arms just watching tv and chatting. This is just something I've never gotten to experience. Yeah, I've been in situations like that with boys before, but for some reason it still feels odd to me. Maybe it's just the fact that I haven't found anyone I still feel totally comfortable with.

I'm so different around boys. With people I know, or my friends, or coworkers, I can be very outgoing, usually decisive, and really uninhibited and talkative. Yet, the moment you put me in the same room as a boy I might like. Boom. I'm a different person. I can barely form logical sentences, I can't make a decision to save my life, and I just become totally shy. I really wish I could find a boy that makes me feel that way.

This whole coming out process has actually been very difficult, even though compared to some it's been rather easy. Yes, I can honestly say that I am a gay man, but I can't honestly say that I am proud of that fact. To be honest many times I'm ashamed of it. There are so many stereotypes that come along with being a gay man these days and while I may not embody all of them I know I embody quite a few of them. Yes, I am slightly effeminate, yes my voice isn't completely deep and masculine, yes I have a tendency to sleep around a bit, but there is so much more to me that being gay. The past few months I've had this fear in the back of my head that the only thing a lot of people see me as is the gay boy. Is that really what I'm starting to embody? Have a really become one of those superficial, bitchy twinks? I like to think not, but at the same time a huge part of me just wishes I was straight. Then I wouldn't have to worry about telling people and not knowing what to expect within their reactions, I wouldn't have to hide my relationships from the public, I could get married, I wouldn't have to worry every time I meet a new person if they were a "top" or a "bottom", life would honestly just be easier.

The problem is though I have never felt more like myself than I do at this very moment. For once I feel like I understand more of who I am. So, yes, no matter what I am a gay man and that fact is here to stay. I'm just hoping that as time goes on things will get easier. No don't get me wrong. I have an AMAZING support system. I have a best friend who is almost gayer than I am, but she's straight. I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he gave her the ultimatum of either dating him or hanging out with me. Everyone I have told so far seems to be very accepting of who I am, and in all honesty already knew. There have only been a few times in my life where I have honestly hurt so much from what someone has said to me, about me, near me that I've just wanted to curl into a ball and die. Even with this support system it's still hard. They gay world is VERY different than the straight world. We operate in an entirely different fashion. There's been quite the learning curve and I'm still learning all the tricks of the trade, but it's also changing almost daily.

In the end I know I'll be fine. I always seem to pull though. I'm not sure where it comes from but each day I manage to gather the strength to get my ass out of bed and continue on just as I did the day before. I know a lot of this strength is attributed to the people in my life who care, and to them I owe them so much. For without them I think I would have been gone a long time ago.

The Mysterious Lack of Relationships

This has been something that has been on my mind an enormous amount the past few weeks. Why has it been so hard for me to establish a strong committed relationship with another gay man? I seem to have no trouble finding boys, in fact my iPhone currently has a total of 203 contacts, 91 of whom are gay men.

Now many people chime in with, "You're only 20, you have plenty of time!" or "You shouldn't even be looking for that right now." I understand these thoughts, but the issue is I've yet to find more than one relationship with a man that lasted more than a month. In the past year I have gone through so many "boyfriends" that I've resorted to a computerized list to keep everyone straight (no pun intended). Now don't get me wrong I'm no whore, I haven't slept with all of these men, but it's rather a list of dates, 1st base, 2nd base, etc. etc. The sad thing is none of them have stuck. Except for one. We dated for a few months over the summer and I've just recently admitted to myself that I believe that I was actually in love with this boy. His name is Lance, and he is the only person to ever provoke feelings in me that I assume to be those of love. I had never felt anything like that before until he came into my life. Yet, with those amazing joyous feelings of love for Lance also came with what I would consider to be some of the greatest pain I have ever felt. Our relationship was filled with a huge amount of turmoil and fights. I have since finally recognized that he and I would never work together in a long term relationship, but I think the effects of our relationship are still taking their tole. I know I'm not entirely over him, yet the fallacy in my head is waiting for a boy to come in, sweep me off my feet, and make me forget that other boys even exist. Especially Lance.

It's become so confusing that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. I can't keep finding these boys, stringing them along for a month until I'm out of my crush stage and then hurting them when I want to move on to the next one. So, maybe a relationship isn't right for me. Then the problem is I miss the companionship so much, and I can definitely not do a friends with benefits type of deal. I'm too emotionally attached for that. Then there's always the issue of finding that one boy who you think will actually take you out of the rut, then they let you know they can't handle a relationship right now, or they have a boyfriend, or they're moving, or they live in Iowa... (it's always Iowa with me).

In the end it's just sheer frustration. I suppose all I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Hopefully that special man will come into my life someday and make me forget that anyone else exists.

-S

Hello, Introduction, and useless babble...

Well, I've tried this before. Not blogging, but the whole writing down one's thoughts. Blogging is a new world for me. I figure I'll put these thoughts that roll around in my head out for the world to see. Maybe someone will be able to offer advice, support, or criticism. Maybe someone will just read them and know they're not alone in some of the feelings we may be sharing. Maybe no one will look at this, either way I'm going to try it out and see how things go.

Well I figure anyone who takes the time to read though this deserves a little background on me. I'm currently a 20 year old sophomore in college in Saint Paul, MN. I keep busy between school, being an RA, working for the Dean of Students, friends, and boys. (Yes, I'm gay)

I'm pretty sure what this blog will be is more of a journal, possibly daily, maybe weekly. I in no way intend to offend anyone or hurt the feelings of anyone who stumbles onto these pages. I feel this will just be an outlet for the thoughts that are usually trapped in my head.

I hope whoever comes upon this will enjoy themselves and not fall asleep out of sheer boredom.

-S