This is me...

*Disclaimer:This post is rather graphic and long*

This was me on September 12, 2007. The old me.

I would say I was relatively happy at this point in my life, or at least I thought I was. At this point in my life I was still really struggling with my sexuality. In fact at this point in my life I had been dating a girl for over a year.

I always knew I wasn't the same as all the rest of the guys I knew. There was just something different about me. I was always the cleanest, I always did my hair, I had impeccable design skills (while most boys were playing Grand Theft Auto I was playing  The Sims), and there was one other thing that really made me think.

It was the summer of my 8th grade year in school and I was about to enter into High School. I spent a lot of time over at a friends house that summer. Well one night while I was at that friends house another friend was over, we'll call him Tanner. when we went to bed that night I was lying on the couch in the family room and Tanner was on the floor below me. In the middle of the night I was woken up by a hand sneaking it's way through the blankets on top of me. At first I was scared, but didn't move. I quickly realized that it was Tanner's hand, he moved slowly through the blankets until he got to my crotch. Then he left his hand there for awhile and the continued moving, this time into my boxers.

Now at this point I had a basic idea of what was going on. I wanted to freak out, but we had other friends sleeping in the room with us and I didn't want them to see what Tanner was doing to me. The problem was Tanner got braver. He continued and slowly pulled off my boxers and kept on getting more and more under the covers. This kept going and eventually Tanner was on top of me. The entire time I kept quite and kept my eyes closed. I had no idea what to do, so I just layed there. Tanner eventually positioned himself on top of me and began to push himself down and have actual sexual intercourse with me. I again layed there and did nothing, not knowing what to do. After awhile he moved himself closer to me and attempted to make me give him a blow job, but this time I fought back a little. I just kept my eyes closed and clenched my jaw as hard as I could. Well, I'm thinking this made him mad because after several failed attempts he picked me up and flipped me over. He held me down a forced himself on me so he could have sex with me. I just remember an amazing amount of pain. I actually bit the arm of the couch to keep from screaming as I really didn't want to wake anyone up now. When he was done Tanner flip me over, pulled my boxers back on, covered me up and went back to sleep. The next morning he was happy and chipper and acted like nothing had even happened. This scene replayed itself about 3 more times that summer. Pretty much anytime he and I slept in the same room.

This was the time in my life when I was coming out of what I now actually believe to be a state of depression. I spent a lot of my life growing up dealing with suicidal thoughts. I  would lie in bed at night wondering if people would even notice if I was gone of if they would even care.

I have come so far from being that person. I'm almost an entirely new me. My Senior year is when I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I still didn't tell anyone that entire year, but I could already tell I was happier. My Junior and Senior years of high school where the times that I really blossomed. (yeah, cliche I know) I really came out of my shell though and by graduation I actually had a life worth caring for. I had some close friends, I was insanely involved, and I was generally happy. One thing was still missing though and that things was of course a boy.

The summer of my Senior year was when I met my first "boyfriend". It was right before I was going to be moving away from college and in a random happenstance I logged onto a chat room. Yes, a chat room. I had no idea what to do. Then a little box pops up on my computer screen. I responded to the box and it responded back. This went on for almost an hour. Then we moved to Skyping each other. When the screen popped up for the first time I was floored. Sitting there in my computer screen was a gorgeous boy, we'll call him Tony. Tony lived in California, was the same age as me, and was going through a lot of the same issues as me. We would Skype each other for hours and talk about everything. We eventually decided to start "dating" and we tried our best at a long distance relationship. Well as you can imagine that didn't work too well and we only lasted about 2 months. Tony and I remain friends to this day and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better first boyfriend. I really believe that is was the best way I could have transitioned into the gay world.

Since then, my ventures into the gay world have been pretty interesting to say the least. I haven't had very good luck with men so far. In the past year my list has grown substantially. Both on the dating and sexual sides. I'm actually slightly ashamed to even be saying that. I had no intentions of it, but before I knew it I was basically a man whore. Not a title one really strives to achieve in life. See with the exception of Lance who I mentioned in a previous post I have yet to make a relationship with a guy last longer than a month. My "friend" said something on Valentine's Day that has really stuck with me. "You always have so many good-looking boys. There's a lot of them...but they are all very good looking!" Now, I will say that I'm pretty popular with the boys here in Minneapolis. I'm not a perfect 10 by any means, but I would consider myself decently attractive. The problem seems to be that all these boys want from me is sex. I'll find what I think is an amazing guy and we'll talk, we'll hang out, but it seems that the day after we finally have sex he's done and bored with me. I also have a tendency to have sex on the first date, which I'm learning is a huge mistake.

The other problem is a lot of guys automatically assume I'm going to be a total and complete bottom. (For those of you who don't know this is the "catcher") For one I HATE this. Just because I'm skinny and slightly effeminate does not necessarily mean I just want to bend over for every hot guy I see. Besides, it's extremely hard for me to be a bottom as I can never relax because I have flashbacks to Tanner. This is extremely hard to explain to guys and can really kill the mood so I usually just say I have "physical problems" and leave it at that. The only guys I have ever bottomed for are the ones that I've really liked, granted I would never tell that to their faces that they were "special" or anything.

Well you might be asking yourself, "Why don't you just not sleep with these boys on the first date?" See, it's not that easy for me. It's almost impossible for me to say no and when it comes to sexual things I go straight back to Tanner. I clam up. I don't talk. I've gotten past the shaking thank God. I used to shake nonstop. It concerned the guys but I just brushed it off as "being cold". What Tanner did to me has had such a lasting effect I don't know if I will ever be able to get past it. I will say I've made some a amazing strides, but I'm still feeling the effects.

Continuing on, I'm afraid to say no because I don't want to lose the boy. Rejection is the worst thing for me. I want to be liked, I want to be loved, I want to please everyone. I'm even afraid to give boys my number because of a fear that they won't want to talk to me. When I have their number I'm afraid to text or call because I don't want to be clingy and annoying. The problem is by always saying yes, guys don't have to work for it. So they get what they want and give up. I should have learned though, that sex doesn't keep a boy around. In fact out of all my relationships the ONE where we didn't have sex lasted the longest. Yes, Lance and I never had sex, and that may be why I'm so hung up on him. He was the one I fell for with doing nothing besides sleeping in the bedroom.

Well it's time for me to make a change! I've got a few options right now, granted I'm not really sure how great they are. I have Jerry, Luke, Brad, and Blair, or at least that's what we'll call them. Yet, each guys comes with issues. Jerry is nice, sweet, and caring, but has MAJOR trust issues and lives a little too far away for my finances to be able to see him. Luke might be moving away soon. Brad says he doesn't know if a relationship is "in his books" right now, and Blair, well I'm pretty sure Blair doesn't even know I exist. Plus he's way out of my league, I would just really love the chance with him. I have a few more that could also be options, but anyway I've decided that I need to start doing this relationship thing right or not at all. No more hook-ups, no more first date sex, no more one nighters. I want to actually find a guy who will take me out on a date and take me home after instead of inviting me over. Yeah, some boys might call me a prude, but you know what I'm tired of being so "easy" I'm ready to have a guy work for me. I'm ready to make a connection and really find something meaningful. Hopefully there's one willing to take on the challenge. If not, I'm just going to be happy living the single life for awhile.

This is me on March 26, 2012. This is the new me.

Thanks for reading, hope I didn't babble too much!

Also please feel free to comment on anything I've posted. I'd love to hear your comments/thoughts/criticisms.

-S