So this really wouldn't a blog written by a gay man if I didn't have some kind of blurb about marriage equality. Marriage equality is something that is a huge issues with our country and even our world right now. While for the most part I am pretty unpolitical (if that's even a real thing) there are somethings that I'm rather passionate about.
For the first time in a long time I cried the other day. Why? Because of this video. While many of you may have already seen it I personally believe it is one of the most powerful marriage equality videos I have ever seen.
I can only keep it together until the door opens up and out come the parents. That's when I lose it every time. I must have seen this video about 20 times by now, but I still start to cry every time. See while I may be "out" I still haven't told everyone who is important to me. Here in Minneapolis almost everyone who knows me knows that I'm gay. Back home though it's a very different story.
I come from a small down almost directly in the center of the state. You know the kind, cute little shops, everyone knows everyone else's name, and yes we all go to church on Sunday morning. While needless to say this town is not very accepting of anything different. There is a massive amount of homophobia. I am one of maybe 6 gay men that I know of in the town. I'm sure there are more, but they are all highly closeted and for good reason.
Well, back to the reason I break down at that point in the video. I have yet to tell my parents. Many ask me why. I try my best to explain but it's very hard. One of the reasons is I don't want my parents to have to face adversity because of who I am. I will say that I am probably one of the most successful people to come out of that town, but all that success disappears once people find out who I really am. The other is a lot of worry. I have two older brothers, one of whom also happens to be gay. The other is very straight. Being the youngest I spent a lot of time comparing myself to my brothers. My oldest brother, we'll call him John is basically the family fuck up. He dropped out of high school when he was 16 and left my hometown. Since then he has had a life of drugs, jail and disease. Today he is currently living off welfare, has no driver's licence, and is HIV+. My other brother, we'll call him Derek, is a very different story. He graduated with honors after being an All-Star Hockey and Baseball player, went into the Coast Guard, got married had two kids and did everything he was supposed to. Until recently that is. He's currently going through a very rough divorce. Yet, I always feel like I'm competing with him. I always have to be better than him, yet with John I have always tired to be nothing like him. The problem is our family says we are an insane amount alike. I have worked my entire life to be nothing like John and to be better than Derek.
Now while I feel that my parents would be accepting of my homosexuality I know it's something that would worry my mother and at this point in life I can't give her more to worry about. See besides just my brothers life issues my parents are also struggling. My father tore both his rotator cuffs last year and has spent a lot of time out of work, so finances in my household are very tight. There was even a short time when my parents thought we would lose our house. So me being gay would just be another burden on my family that I can't bring out to them right now.
The reason I break down at that point is because that's my ultimate dream right now. I want to find a boy that makes me happy and comfortable enough that I can bring him home to mom and dad. I always told myself I would tell them once I had someone who I cared about enough to introduce them to my parents. It just makes me feel like my mom would worry less if she knew that I was in a stable relationship and not making the same mistakes as John. The problem is I have been. I've been sleeping around just as much as he had (I'm assuming, we don't actually talk). I've made the dangerous decision to have unprotected sex and so far I have been lucky enough that I haven't contracted anything. Yet, if I keep doing what I have been more likely that not someday I will. That's why, if you read my previous posts, I am taking that vow of celibacy until I find a guy that wants to work towards a relationship and is someone that I truly trust.
Well this has turned into more of a "why haven't I come out yet" than a marriage equality post. I'll save that topic for another day.
To fill you in on the happenings of my life some one of my options made the choice for me. Jerry texted me the other day letting me know that he had met someone and they were going to make things into an official relationship. Well part of me feels a weight off my shoulders, because I'm not sure I could have handled a relationship with him, but part of me is sad that the option is gone. As for the others I haven't heard from Luke or Brad in awhile, and I'm still fairly certain Blair has no idea I'm even a human being. I do have a new prospect though. We'll call him John. We've only been talking for a short time, but we might meet up for a date soon, maybe even tonight.
Thanks for reading!
-S
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