Straight Boy Dreams

Well I woke up this morning really wishing I was straight for some reason. Not only is this disheartening to the fact that I'm wishing I wasn't who I was, but I also woke up lying next to another man. Yes I managed to find myself a spring break hook-up with a very very cute boy actually. I just hated myself for thinking those thoughts this morning. What brought these thoughts around you might ask? Well as I was laying in bed I could hear into the room next to me, it was the boys roommate. He clearly had a girl over and they were just chatting. About what I couldn't hear, but I would hear mumbles of his voice and she would softly giggle. Then you could make out the sounds of a few light kisses. The picture it painted in my mind was just of that of a completely normal heterosexual couple. I could see the guy propped up on some pillows holding the girl in his arms just watching tv and chatting. This is just something I've never gotten to experience. Yeah, I've been in situations like that with boys before, but for some reason it still feels odd to me. Maybe it's just the fact that I haven't found anyone I still feel totally comfortable with.

I'm so different around boys. With people I know, or my friends, or coworkers, I can be very outgoing, usually decisive, and really uninhibited and talkative. Yet, the moment you put me in the same room as a boy I might like. Boom. I'm a different person. I can barely form logical sentences, I can't make a decision to save my life, and I just become totally shy. I really wish I could find a boy that makes me feel that way.

This whole coming out process has actually been very difficult, even though compared to some it's been rather easy. Yes, I can honestly say that I am a gay man, but I can't honestly say that I am proud of that fact. To be honest many times I'm ashamed of it. There are so many stereotypes that come along with being a gay man these days and while I may not embody all of them I know I embody quite a few of them. Yes, I am slightly effeminate, yes my voice isn't completely deep and masculine, yes I have a tendency to sleep around a bit, but there is so much more to me that being gay. The past few months I've had this fear in the back of my head that the only thing a lot of people see me as is the gay boy. Is that really what I'm starting to embody? Have a really become one of those superficial, bitchy twinks? I like to think not, but at the same time a huge part of me just wishes I was straight. Then I wouldn't have to worry about telling people and not knowing what to expect within their reactions, I wouldn't have to hide my relationships from the public, I could get married, I wouldn't have to worry every time I meet a new person if they were a "top" or a "bottom", life would honestly just be easier.

The problem is though I have never felt more like myself than I do at this very moment. For once I feel like I understand more of who I am. So, yes, no matter what I am a gay man and that fact is here to stay. I'm just hoping that as time goes on things will get easier. No don't get me wrong. I have an AMAZING support system. I have a best friend who is almost gayer than I am, but she's straight. I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he gave her the ultimatum of either dating him or hanging out with me. Everyone I have told so far seems to be very accepting of who I am, and in all honesty already knew. There have only been a few times in my life where I have honestly hurt so much from what someone has said to me, about me, near me that I've just wanted to curl into a ball and die. Even with this support system it's still hard. They gay world is VERY different than the straight world. We operate in an entirely different fashion. There's been quite the learning curve and I'm still learning all the tricks of the trade, but it's also changing almost daily.

In the end I know I'll be fine. I always seem to pull though. I'm not sure where it comes from but each day I manage to gather the strength to get my ass out of bed and continue on just as I did the day before. I know a lot of this strength is attributed to the people in my life who care, and to them I owe them so much. For without them I think I would have been gone a long time ago.