This has been something that has been on my mind an enormous amount the past few weeks. Why has it been so hard for me to establish a strong committed relationship with another gay man? I seem to have no trouble finding boys, in fact my iPhone currently has a total of 203 contacts, 91 of whom are gay men.
Now many people chime in with, "You're only 20, you have plenty of time!" or "You shouldn't even be looking for that right now." I understand these thoughts, but the issue is I've yet to find more than one relationship with a man that lasted more than a month. In the past year I have gone through so many "boyfriends" that I've resorted to a computerized list to keep everyone straight (no pun intended). Now don't get me wrong I'm no whore, I haven't slept with all of these men, but it's rather a list of dates, 1st base, 2nd base, etc. etc. The sad thing is none of them have stuck. Except for one. We dated for a few months over the summer and I've just recently admitted to myself that I believe that I was actually in love with this boy. His name is Lance, and he is the only person to ever provoke feelings in me that I assume to be those of love. I had never felt anything like that before until he came into my life. Yet, with those amazing joyous feelings of love for Lance also came with what I would consider to be some of the greatest pain I have ever felt. Our relationship was filled with a huge amount of turmoil and fights. I have since finally recognized that he and I would never work together in a long term relationship, but I think the effects of our relationship are still taking their tole. I know I'm not entirely over him, yet the fallacy in my head is waiting for a boy to come in, sweep me off my feet, and make me forget that other boys even exist. Especially Lance.
It's become so confusing that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. I can't keep finding these boys, stringing them along for a month until I'm out of my crush stage and then hurting them when I want to move on to the next one. So, maybe a relationship isn't right for me. Then the problem is I miss the companionship so much, and I can definitely not do a friends with benefits type of deal. I'm too emotionally attached for that. Then there's always the issue of finding that one boy who you think will actually take you out of the rut, then they let you know they can't handle a relationship right now, or they have a boyfriend, or they're moving, or they live in Iowa... (it's always Iowa with me).
In the end it's just sheer frustration. I suppose all I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Hopefully that special man will come into my life someday and make me forget that anyone else exists.
-S
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