Is Monogamy Disappearing?

It's hot today. Like really hot. My apartment is sadly without air conditioning so to try and cool off I took a very long, very cool shower. During that shower my mind began to wander as usual. (I find that some of my best thinking is done in the shower) I began to think about the idea of monogamy. With my   little girlish dreams of a future with Chad comes the question of monogamy. Especially if we would even contemplate trying to make a long distance relationship work.

So this really got me wondering, is monogamy starting to disappear  in this world? I know it's already hard to find in gay relationships, but I feel like I've even noticed less and less of it in straight couples as well. Why is this? Why has our society become so obsessed with finding as many people to "love" as possible?

I've heard many people say that humans aren't meant to love just one person for their entire lifetime. The website AshelyMadison.com is almost geared towards finding married people extramarital affairs. Many people even find that monogamy is a Western invention. It does seem though that humans are not psychologically or physically able to be monogamous. 

While I feel that monogamy makes a good relationship I am definitely not the expert or even the one to go to for advice. I find myself to be a "serial monogamist" I try to be monogamous until I find someone else who happens to strike my interest. Then I end one relationship and move onto the next.

Yet, it seems that some of the best relationships that I've come across are between those who aren't entirely monogamous. 

One example I have is a man I like to call "The Australian." He and I met on an internet site a few months ago and ended up sharing a few evenings together while he was in town. You see, he lived in Australia, worked for a company in Singapore, and was currently stationed in Vancouver. Needless to say he was an insanely interesting man and gorgeous to boot.

Well he and I hooked up, but what was interesting was a conversation we had one of those nights. As we were lying in bed he asked me, "So, do you have a boyfriend?" I didn't at the time so I responded with, "No, do you?" Then he surprisingly said that he did. So my inquisitiveness kicked in and I began to ask more questions.

I found out that he and his "boyfriend" had been together for about 7 years. They had a house together back in Australia. The interesting thing was they had an agreement that they wouldn't be completely monogamous. Why you might ask? Well, it was because The Australian was gone so much. "We're guys. We have needs and there's no reason to deprive ourselves of those needs. I love him very much and he means a lot to me but, sometimes I just need sex and so does he."

To me this was such an odd concept, but at the same time it also made a lot of sense. I'm not sure if I could ever make that kind of a relationship work because I am very much the jealous type. I'm very possessive and hate the thought of letting anyone else have what's mine.   

What I've come to believe is that while humans may not be the best a sexual monogamy maybe we are built for more personal monogamy. It's always comforting to know that there's someone there for you. Someone who after years knows everything about you and knows what you need. Yet, why does being with that person and having that relationship also require sexual monogamy? Maybe that's why it seems that some of the marriages that last the longest are those who have more open relationships, or those who have less open relationships, but are better at hiding their indiscretions. 

In the end I don't think I can really advocate either way. It is something that is very distinct within each couple, but I do believe that everyone should have an open mind to it. It seems that the idea of monogamy is slowly becoming an idea of the ancient past. The real question is how do we change our mindset to it, or even more, should we?

There's Always a Pattern

Reading Twitter today there was a lot of talk about the patterns people find in who they date. There was quite the variety. Friend-zoned, emotionally damaged, well endowed, cocky and mean, basically everything under the sun.

It got me thinking though. What's my pattern? Do I have one?

After some pondering I realized I do have a pattern. Maybe even a few different ones. Either that or my pattern runs in stages. It all boils down to finding a guy, going on some dates, talking for about a month, then moving on to the next one. It seems to happen without fail every time. The only exception being Lance, who lasted almost half a year on and off.

Why do I seem to have this pattern? I thought about that for awhile. Why was Lance different? Well what I seemed to figure out is that when I started dating Lance I gave up everything else. Grindr got deleted, other boys got ignored, and I wrote about him. I wrote A LOT about him.

With every other boy I've stayed on Grindr, I've dated multiple boys at the same time, and just genuinely never let a guy have all of me. I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously protecting myself from ever being totally alone, or if I have commitment issues, or what it is. I do know, though, that if I keep doing that I will eventually end up totally alone. No boy is going to stay around very long if I don't actually commit myself fully to the relationship.

The other pattern I have is finding guys whom I want to commit to, but it doesn't work because they don't actually live here or they aren't interested in committing to me. Yet, maybe that's the reason I want to commit to them is because they won't be able to reciprocate.

This is all on my mind because of the new boy I wrote about a few posts ago. We'll call him Chad. You see Chad already has me wrapped around his finger. He's connected with me in a way that a guy hasn't been able to in a long time. I think I can say no one ever has besides Lance.

The problem is Chad won't be here long. In about a month he actually moves to Grenada for med school. That little detail seems to be something he and I don't really want to acknowledge right now. It seems that we'd much rather focus on each other and getting to know one another better.

It's been in the back of my mind for awhile now. Chad is special. The day after I met him I was ready to delete Grindr, I was ready to let some other options go. It was weird. I wasn't prepared for those feelings as I had decided that right now wasn't a time for a relationship and that I was really just looking for some casual dating and fun.

With Chad though I'm legitimately considering taking on some major commitment. In actuality it almost makes sense. I'm going to be so busy the next few years with school, being an RA, and working two jobs that I'm probably not going to have time for the traditional relationship.  It also seems like he's thinking about the same things that I am. We haven't had a long explicit conversation about it because he's been in California on vacation this passed week, but I kind of feeling one coming.

I'm actually kind of to the point now that Chad has made me feel like there's something different so I mind as well give it a shot. I know that if it doesn't work out I'll probably end up hurt, but I've been hurt before. I've always managed to pick myself back up and move on with life. Right now, though, I'm thinking to myself, "what if it does work?" What if this really is a different one.

I'm really to the point of saying. What the hell. Let's try this.

Pride

Pride.

There are many things that have happend in my life that I can say I am proud of. I'm proud to be the only one in my family to go to college. I'm proud of the friendships I've made. I'm proud of the work I do. Yet, recently I can honestly say that I have never been proud to call myself gay.

Gay. Queer. Fag. Homo. Whatever term you choose, I wasn't proud to be associated with any of it. To me it meant nothing but bad things.

Well, today I went to my first ever Pride Festival. I had a notion of what it might be like in my head, but I was so wrong. Some of the things that I was expecting were there. Gays of course. Some in very little clothing, but what I didn't expect was the huge amount of what I suppose I would label "normal" people.

I guess I was expecting to see a bunch of flamingly gay men running around interspersed with Drag Queens and lesbians. Yet, what I found was a community of people just like any other. A community that was celebrating their differences and trying to bring about change.

See, my view of the gay world is still very skewed. All I know is what I've been taught by society and what limited experience I've had in my two short years of being out and in the community. All I know is Grindr and clubs. Today that view changed. I know that the world I've seen is part of the gay community, but I also forget how normal we all are even with our differences.

As I was watching the parade I quickly came to realize that there are a lot of people out there who really don't care that I'm gay. Actually, they even support the fact. Everything from churches, to bars, to corporations, to politicians marched passed me. All letting me know that it's totally okay that I like men.

It made me actually want to get involved. It made me want to become a bigger part of this new community that has accepted me into their ranks. It made me proud.

I know the gay community is FAR from perfect, but honestly what community is perfect? There is no utopian community out there that can claim that. Today, though, I cam to realize that even with all the imperfections the gay community has I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's a community that has existed forever, but has been hidden away for so long. In just the last few decades so much work has been done. We've fought and battled and have now become what some may consider "The Final Frontier" of the civil rights movement.

Today even help qualm some of the fears I have about coming out to my parents. Today I realized that being gay doesn't automatically make you a slut. You're not automatically going to get AIDS.

Today gave me hope of living the much more normal life I've always wanted for myself. Not normal in the sense of being straight, but normal in the sense that one of the biggest things that has always made me different isn't really all that different. There are a lot of people out there just like me, people who live lives just like I want.

Today, I can finally say that I'm proud to be who I am. 

I'm proud to be gay.

Strings or No Strings

It's Friday night and what I thought I had for plans ended up not really existing. So, here I sit. Just me and Netflix. Tonight I've managed to find that movie "No Strings Attached". For those of you who don't know it's about a two people who meet each other t summer camp and at various points throughout their lives they keep running into each other. Eventually they get together and create a "No Stings Attached" relationship. As usual for the movie world they fall in love, but the girl can't handle it. In the beginning of the movie she says "no one is meant to be together forever."

I can't help but think about that. It's quite a daunting thing to ponder. Is there really somewhere out there waiting for me that I could possibly spend the rest of my life with? In today's world I feel like we see less and less of this. Especially the gay world. It seems that everywhere I turn people are looking for "fun" or NSA relationships. Random hookups seem to run rampant in the clubs and bars. Apps like Grindr, Skout, Manhunt, etc. etc. all help guys find more people to sleep with. So, are we even tying to find that one person anymore?

I know a lot of people will say, "of course I am, but there's no harm in having some fun along the way." While part of me wants to agree with that, there's a part of me that doesn't. I really do believe that every time you do something sexual with a new person you give a little bit of yourself to them. So, what happens then if you give a little bit of yourself to say 30 different people? What do you have left to give to that special person?

Another part of me really believes that it is important to take care of those needs and have some fun. To quote my amazing boss, "You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first would you?" I suppose she has a point. While sex can't build an entire relationship it is an important part. I mean it's one of those special things that you share with the person you're dating. It's a matter of intimacy on a different level. So, if you're not compatible in the bedroom do you really have more than just a strong friendship?

This is where I get so confused, as the only man I have ever loved I never did anything sexual with. So, how could my mind have that level of feeling for him and build that kind of intimacy without having the sexual intimacy?

In the end I really know it comes down to the fear of not wanting to be that creepy old gay guy who lives in a house surrounded by his things and his cats. I want more out of life. I'm even freaking myself out by thinking that someday I may even want a kid.

I met a guy about a week ago who managed to take my breath away. We went on a "date" and at first I didn't like him, but after getting to spend some more time with him he turned out to be the biggest bitch I have ever met.

I completely loved it.

I don't remember the last time I was out with a guy where I was totally myself. With him I didn't hold back. I mean, I was weird, and in the end so was he. We had a nice dinner and he came back to my place where we ended up lying on my bed just talking. I just sat there on my bed getting lost in his eyes. He has the most beautiful blue-geen eyes.

We talked until 2:30am. The whole night slowly moving closer to each other until his arm ended up around me, then we ended up kissing, and eventually we fell asleep talking. His head on my chest, my legs wrapped in his.

It was one of those nights that just seems to perfect to be real. Sadly he left the next day for a two week long vacation. Even more sad is that he doesn't actually live here. He lives in Missouri and works for a company in Minnesota, so he flies up here a lot.

We've been texting a lot. He's been sending me pictures of California and making me jealous. Then we even had the conversation of a future together. It felt so childish, but at the same time it finally gave me a little bit of hope. We joked about how we would move to Southern California. He would be a doctor and I would be doing who knows what. He'd buy the house and I'd buy the cars. Matching Audi S5's and a Range Rover to tow our jet skis.

I know it's WAY to early to actually believe that that would ever actually happen, but it sure is fun to dream. It leaves me wondering though, is there really someone out there for me? I know many will say, "you're only 20, you have a long time to find someone." I know that's true, but sometimes it's just a matter of being impatient.

In a world of hookups and always trying to find something better I think I'm almost ready to say that I'm tired of shopping. I just want to look into that window and see what I want staring back to me and take it off the market for good.

I want that person who accepts me eccentricities. Who lets me do weird things. Who puts up with my sarcasm, or even better, sends it right back. Yet, most of all I just want that person who will make me forget that the world of hookups, dating apps, and all of that even exists.

Maybe I should put more faith in fate. Maybe I should just go out hunting. Maybe I should just concede to being the creepy cat homo. In the end I have no idea what my future holds, but I do know the only way of exiting the hookup/NSA world is going to be by actively fighting against it.

It'll probably be one of the largest challenges I've had yet as a gay man. Hopefully I'm strong enough.

In the end the movie gives some very good advice.

"We don't pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens like it should."

Yes, That's Totally Me

Tell me something. When you try to step back from the world and take it from an overview what would you picture when you thought of gay? Would you see a gay pride rainbow flash across your mind? Would it be the image of two men together? What would it be?

Now take whatever it is you thought and dump it out of your mind. Why? Well plain and simply because you're wrong. There is no way you can define gay. No way you can put it down to just one image, just one saying, just one finite thing. Yes, you can have a technical definition, but is that really what you would consider to encompass the entire idea of gay?

The reason I bring this point up is because I have been thinking about stereotypes a lot lately. I know that the world is filled with them, but at times it seems like the gay world has so many more. If you're gay you fit into a category. It's pretty simple really to outline it all in a table.

Now clearly there are even more stereotypes that I've probably missed, but this just serves as an example. For the most part this is what is expected of gays. You have to fit the stereotype. Why is that? I know that personally I slip right into the ideal twink. I'm tall and skinny with a pretty face. Beyond how I look though, I am NOT the typical twink. I don't have an effeminate personality, I may at times, but overall I'm fairly masculine. I don't dress very "twinkish" and don't even get me started on a sexual position rant.

The thing that bothers me most of all is the idea of who my partner should be. Why does the stereotype have to dictate who I should be comfortable dating? If you read my previous post where I talk about self-image here's a prime example of how that tares me down on a regular basis.

See, I generally try to consider myself as someone without a type, but when I really step back and think about what it is that I want in a man the stereotype says I'll never have it. My dream man is somewhere in the realm of a jock. I like the tall blonde boys with a little bit more muscle attached to them. The problem there is I am FAR from a jock. The stereotype then just says that as a twink I will never get the man of my dreams. Thus, my insecurities about my body, which then lead to more insecurities about my love life and everything else.

While I can't blame the stereotype completely it does play a huge role in the gay world. As gays we have created a world where we may all have been born to stand out from the crowd in the straight world, but in the gay world we all need to fit in.

Well, here's my challenge to you in this post. Don't let a stereotype define you. Define yourself. As gays we have already proved how different and unique we are from the straight world, so why can't we do it again in the world we've created for ourselves?

I'm going to do my best to break my own stereotype. I know many of my friends now disregard the idea of the typical twink. Try it in your life. With a few small actions can come great change.

-S

Chase or Derek?

Go ahead and do me a favor. Before reading all the way though this take a minute to stop and look at these two boys. A hard task I know! Done? Okay, well now take a minute and think about which one of them you would rather go out on a date with.

This one we'll call Chase. Pretty isn't he?




















This one we'll call Derek.

Now, be honest with yourself. Based on just these two simple pictures who would you rather go out on a date with?

I may not be able to read minds and I know there are a lot of exceptions, but I have a feeling that most of you chose Chase, and why wouldn't you? I mean look at him!

Yet, in my short two years of being out and meeting guys I have met a lot more people like Derek. Not so many like Chase. Why is it that in the gay would we all strive to look like Chase. Who cares if he has the intelligence of a rock and the personality of a cactus, he's hot! So naturally he's the obvious choice of person who we as gay men should try to emulate.

I am not trying to preach by any means. I am guilty of the sam offense of ignoring the Derek's of the world and pursuing the Chase's. I've met some of the most amazing guys in this city, but I haven't been able to get past friendship with any of them because I'm not attracted to them.

This is one of the most frustrating things about my "love life". I sit here and let all these Derek's talk to me and compliment me and attempt to sweep me off my feet and in all truth worship the ground I simply walk on. Yet, I never let them in. I never let them past the friendship stage. All because I'm not sexually attracted to them. I'm too busy searching for my Chase, and subsequently being ignored by him.

What's even worse is the idea of self-image that's attached to all of this. Just the other night I had a discussion with a boy I would consider myself highly interested in. He also happens to be one of the first boys I have been insanely attracted to. He explained to me that he always had this fear of rejection in meeting new guys. When I inquired as to why he explained that he used to be very over weight and had major acne. Well from looking at him now, no one would ever believe that. Yet, he said "the problem is when I look in the mirror I still see the fat me. The me no one ever wanted. I guess it's just something I've never gotten over."

Hearing that made me think about what it is that I see when I look in the mirror. I've heard somewhere that there are very few people who can look at themselves in the  mirror for more then 10 seconds and not think of a flaw they have. I know I do that. Either I poke and prod at a zit, or hate how my ears aren't at an even height, or my nose is too big. Always finding flaws. 

What is it about people, especially gay men. Why do we always have to search for our flaws and why do we never believe the compliments that we are given. Even more so, why is it that those who are confident in what they have are considered jerks or egotistical. Is it because they seem to be the only one that everyone wants and we're jealous? Or is it really because we see them as perfection and want to be able to look in the mirror and do that ourselves.

Well here's my challenge to you. Take some time. Look in the mirror, but this time instead of finding flaws find something that you feel  good about. If you don't like something really ask yourself why. Then remember if it's that giant nose that you hate would you really be you without it? Yeah it might be hard to drink out of a champagne flute or it might get in the way when you're going in for a kiss, but it's yours. 

I once saw someone write; "There's only one of me in the galaxy. I'm an endangered species." If each and everyone of us is unique and different why do we always have to stive to be Chase. If we all looked like that would the world really be that much better?

-S 

I Need My Therapist

Well I know this is my first post in quite a long time. My problem is I forget how much blogging really seems to help me. It's one of those I write religiously for awhile and then I feel better about myself, so I stop writing. Then it's just a slow regression back to feeling like crap and being lost in my own world again.

I had a friend, well I'm not sure if I can call him that (he's really more of a person I stalk on Twitter) tweet today that his blog is his therapist. I thought about it for awhile and realized that I totally agree. In the past month or two I've kind of turned my life into a complete and utter shit show because I haven't taken the time tor really stop and look at what it is I've been doing.

Now I haven't like completely ruined my life or anything. I've still done a lot right. I just recently started a new job, I've moved into an apartment for the summer with two of my best friends from school, and I've managed to meet some very nice people.

Outwardly it still seems like I've got all my shit together. On the inside though, I'm back to being pretty messed up. I don't remember what I've blogged about in the past so I'll throw in a refresher for those of you who care to read.

Lance, my ex managed to come back into my life for a short time. We saw each other for almost two months before we called it quits again. He really has changed and  so much for the better, but I just wasn't really able to move on from the past we had. It was hard, but I think it was really time to let him go.

Since then though, not much good has come about in my life. I made the stupid decision of downloading Grindr again. For those of you who don't know Grindr is a phone app that is basically a gay GPS. Well, as usual, I've become completely addicted to it. I'm constantly checking for new messages and seeing who's around. Now since downloading it again I can honestly say I've met about 3 of the best people I've ever met, but I've also gotten into a little trouble with it.

My "number" if you know what I'm referring to has grown by about 3 in the past two weeks with about 4 more lurking in the shadows. The problem is my mind is still telling me that's not the person I want to be. I don't want to be the stereotypical gay guy who sleeps with every guy who says hi and has a witty compliment. The problem is that it's just so easy for me to find guys like that.

Well that's jist of what's been going on in my life lately. I'm sure there will be some more posts coming soon. I've got a lot on mind that will surely be coming out in blog form soon enough!

-S