It's Friday night and what I thought I had for plans ended up not really existing. So, here I sit. Just me and Netflix. Tonight I've managed to find that movie "No Strings Attached". For those of you who don't know it's about a two people who meet each other t summer camp and at various points throughout their lives they keep running into each other. Eventually they get together and create a "No Stings Attached" relationship. As usual for the movie world they fall in love, but the girl can't handle it. In the beginning of the movie she says "no one is meant to be together forever."
I can't help but think about that. It's quite a daunting thing to ponder. Is there really somewhere out there waiting for me that I could possibly spend the rest of my life with? In today's world I feel like we see less and less of this. Especially the gay world. It seems that everywhere I turn people are looking for "fun" or NSA relationships. Random hookups seem to run rampant in the clubs and bars. Apps like Grindr, Skout, Manhunt, etc. etc. all help guys find more people to sleep with. So, are we even tying to find that one person anymore?
I know a lot of people will say, "of course I am, but there's no harm in having some fun along the way." While part of me wants to agree with that, there's a part of me that doesn't. I really do believe that every time you do something sexual with a new person you give a little bit of yourself to them. So, what happens then if you give a little bit of yourself to say 30 different people? What do you have left to give to that special person?
Another part of me really believes that it is important to take care of those needs and have some fun. To quote my amazing boss, "You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first would you?" I suppose she has a point. While sex can't build an entire relationship it is an important part. I mean it's one of those special things that you share with the person you're dating. It's a matter of intimacy on a different level. So, if you're not compatible in the bedroom do you really have more than just a strong friendship?
This is where I get so confused, as the only man I have ever loved I never did anything sexual with. So, how could my mind have that level of feeling for him and build that kind of intimacy without having the sexual intimacy?
In the end I really know it comes down to the fear of not wanting to be that creepy old gay guy who lives in a house surrounded by his things and his cats. I want more out of life. I'm even freaking myself out by thinking that someday I may even want a kid.
I met a guy about a week ago who managed to take my breath away. We went on a "date" and at first I didn't like him, but after getting to spend some more time with him he turned out to be the biggest bitch I have ever met.
I completely loved it.
I don't remember the last time I was out with a guy where I was totally myself. With him I didn't hold back. I mean, I was weird, and in the end so was he. We had a nice dinner and he came back to my place where we ended up lying on my bed just talking. I just sat there on my bed getting lost in his eyes. He has the most beautiful blue-geen eyes.
We talked until 2:30am. The whole night slowly moving closer to each other until his arm ended up around me, then we ended up kissing, and eventually we fell asleep talking. His head on my chest, my legs wrapped in his.
It was one of those nights that just seems to perfect to be real. Sadly he left the next day for a two week long vacation. Even more sad is that he doesn't actually live here. He lives in Missouri and works for a company in Minnesota, so he flies up here a lot.
We've been texting a lot. He's been sending me pictures of California and making me jealous. Then we even had the conversation of a future together. It felt so childish, but at the same time it finally gave me a little bit of hope. We joked about how we would move to Southern California. He would be a doctor and I would be doing who knows what. He'd buy the house and I'd buy the cars. Matching Audi S5's and a Range Rover to tow our jet skis.
I know it's WAY to early to actually believe that that would ever actually happen, but it sure is fun to dream. It leaves me wondering though, is there really someone out there for me? I know many will say, "you're only 20, you have a long time to find someone." I know that's true, but sometimes it's just a matter of being impatient.
In a world of hookups and always trying to find something better I think I'm almost ready to say that I'm tired of shopping. I just want to look into that window and see what I want staring back to me and take it off the market for good.
I want that person who accepts me eccentricities. Who lets me do weird things. Who puts up with my sarcasm, or even better, sends it right back. Yet, most of all I just want that person who will make me forget that the world of hookups, dating apps, and all of that even exists.
Maybe I should put more faith in fate. Maybe I should just go out hunting. Maybe I should just concede to being the creepy cat homo. In the end I have no idea what my future holds, but I do know the only way of exiting the hookup/NSA world is going to be by actively fighting against it.
It'll probably be one of the largest challenges I've had yet as a gay man. Hopefully I'm strong enough.
In the end the movie gives some very good advice.
"We don't pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens like it should."
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