Reading Twitter today there was a lot of talk about the patterns people find in who they date. There was quite the variety. Friend-zoned, emotionally damaged, well endowed, cocky and mean, basically everything under the sun.
It got me thinking though. What's my pattern? Do I have one?
After some pondering I realized I do have a pattern. Maybe even a few different ones. Either that or my pattern runs in stages. It all boils down to finding a guy, going on some dates, talking for about a month, then moving on to the next one. It seems to happen without fail every time. The only exception being Lance, who lasted almost half a year on and off.
Why do I seem to have this pattern? I thought about that for awhile. Why was Lance different? Well what I seemed to figure out is that when I started dating Lance I gave up everything else. Grindr got deleted, other boys got ignored, and I wrote about him. I wrote A LOT about him.
With every other boy I've stayed on Grindr, I've dated multiple boys at the same time, and just genuinely never let a guy have all of me. I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously protecting myself from ever being totally alone, or if I have commitment issues, or what it is. I do know, though, that if I keep doing that I will eventually end up totally alone. No boy is going to stay around very long if I don't actually commit myself fully to the relationship.
The other pattern I have is finding guys whom I want to commit to, but it doesn't work because they don't actually live here or they aren't interested in committing to me. Yet, maybe that's the reason I want to commit to them is because they won't be able to reciprocate.
This is all on my mind because of the new boy I wrote about a few posts ago. We'll call him Chad. You see Chad already has me wrapped around his finger. He's connected with me in a way that a guy hasn't been able to in a long time. I think I can say no one ever has besides Lance.
The problem is Chad won't be here long. In about a month he actually moves to Grenada for med school. That little detail seems to be something he and I don't really want to acknowledge right now. It seems that we'd much rather focus on each other and getting to know one another better.
It's been in the back of my mind for awhile now. Chad is special. The day after I met him I was ready to delete Grindr, I was ready to let some other options go. It was weird. I wasn't prepared for those feelings as I had decided that right now wasn't a time for a relationship and that I was really just looking for some casual dating and fun.
With Chad though I'm legitimately considering taking on some major commitment. In actuality it almost makes sense. I'm going to be so busy the next few years with school, being an RA, and working two jobs that I'm probably not going to have time for the traditional relationship. It also seems like he's thinking about the same things that I am. We haven't had a long explicit conversation about it because he's been in California on vacation this passed week, but I kind of feeling one coming.
I'm actually kind of to the point now that Chad has made me feel like there's something different so I mind as well give it a shot. I know that if it doesn't work out I'll probably end up hurt, but I've been hurt before. I've always managed to pick myself back up and move on with life. Right now, though, I'm thinking to myself, "what if it does work?" What if this really is a different one.
I'm really to the point of saying. What the hell. Let's try this.
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