Well it looks like I've made a liar out of myself. I haven't posted in quite awhile again. I don't have much new to post on. In fact I've been rather disappointed with myself lately. As the semester has been winding down I've had an insanely hard time focusing on anything but wanting to crawl into bed and go to sleep.
It's actually rather depressing to think about. I just hate the fact that I cannot seem to motivate myself anymore. In high school I was so driven and so active, but now in college it's almost like that drive has disappeared. I did get a kick in the rear on Friday. We had an executive from a multi-billion dollar company come in to two of my classes and speak and everything he said seemed so perfect for me. He reminded me of all the goals I had for myself at the end of high school.
I've had big dreams since I was a kid. I've always felt like I was going to go far in life and do great things, but lately it's been confusing as to what those great things are going to be and I'm really starting to fear failure. There are so many people that are basically expecting me to succeed, some of them are even depending on it. Yet, the issue here is if I let my fear of failure get in the way I have basically already failed without even trying.
I just need to find a way to motivate myself every morning. Something that reminds me of why I'm here. So many opportunities have been stuck right in front on my face. Now I need to pounce on them and start performing like I know I can.
Well, that's that! Sorry for the rather boring, rambling post. I promise they'll get better soon. I've got some good ones that have been brewing in my head for quite awhile! As always thanks for reading!
-S
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Realization of a Need
Well, for those of you who've been a dedicated reader you may have noticed I've been on a hiatus lately. I had some experiences that just brought home the realization of how many people were actually reading this and who they were and it got a little scary. So, again for those regular followers, sorry for some of the changes you may have noticed, but just go with them!
Now onto something more important. Why I'm back to writing again. Well the past few weeks have been good to me and I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part, but I realized that good mood was because I had everything sorted out in my head because of this blog. Once I stopped writing things got jumbled up all over again and my good mood disappeared and I had a short movement back into my old ways of thinking and coping, which clearly haven't been working for me.
So I've decided it's time to start writing again, only maybe with a little more discretion. It's an internal struggle for me because I really love being able to put my story out there and just have everyone read it, but it's also hard to not be able to control who's reading my story. For some reason it's a lot easier to write to strangers instead of people I know reading this. Well, if you know me personally and happen to stumble upon this just don't let me know. Just let me live in my little blissful world of strangers.
Well for now that's my return. I should really be doing homework, so I'll try that. I'm sure I'll be writing something in a few hours though! Stay tuned!
-S
Now onto something more important. Why I'm back to writing again. Well the past few weeks have been good to me and I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part, but I realized that good mood was because I had everything sorted out in my head because of this blog. Once I stopped writing things got jumbled up all over again and my good mood disappeared and I had a short movement back into my old ways of thinking and coping, which clearly haven't been working for me.
So I've decided it's time to start writing again, only maybe with a little more discretion. It's an internal struggle for me because I really love being able to put my story out there and just have everyone read it, but it's also hard to not be able to control who's reading my story. For some reason it's a lot easier to write to strangers instead of people I know reading this. Well, if you know me personally and happen to stumble upon this just don't let me know. Just let me live in my little blissful world of strangers.
Well for now that's my return. I should really be doing homework, so I'll try that. I'm sure I'll be writing something in a few hours though! Stay tuned!
-S
Monday, April 9, 2012
Learning a Little More
The past few days I've decided to start a new little project. You see I've been writing to work thorough the issues in my life for a lot longer than this blog has been around. I've gotten some feedback lately that it seems the people who have stumbled upon this really seem to connect with a lot of what I'm writing about.
Well, after some mental debate I've decided that I'm going to make all of my writings public. I've spent the last few days transcribing my handwritten journal into blog form. These journals begin when Lance and I first started dating, so if you'd like to learn more about how those events of my life transpired look here:
ptpwjournals.blogspot.com
Now this little blog isn't pretty, it merely serves as a place for me to keep those journals and for those of you who have the time and may be interested to take a peek at them. I will also put a disclaimer in that these were written almost 6 months ago and I was in a very different place in my life at that time.
I felt that since then I have grown and matured a lot. Maybe I haven't but either way please be gentle. They were written by a love struck 19 year old. Also, please remember that my renewed relationship with Lance is less than a week old, so it's still taking it's time to move back to what it was.
ptpwjournals.blogspot.com
Now this little blog isn't pretty, it merely serves as a place for me to keep those journals and for those of you who have the time and may be interested to take a peek at them. I will also put a disclaimer in that these were written almost 6 months ago and I was in a very different place in my life at that time.
I felt that since then I have grown and matured a lot. Maybe I haven't but either way please be gentle. They were written by a love struck 19 year old. Also, please remember that my renewed relationship with Lance is less than a week old, so it's still taking it's time to move back to what it was.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Without you, I would be nothing.
*Disclaimer to read all of this post will take you quite awhile!
Life has an odd way of giving you something the very moment you need it.
Or in some cases keeping something from you that you're practically begging for until you're ready.
The past few days have been a blur for me. A blur that contains an amazing amount of confusion. Not only has life thrown me a massive curveball that I never expected, but my life has really shown me what I have to be thankful for and how much love surrounds me.
I feel as though a lot of my time blogging so far has been spent complaining. When instead I should be raving about all the wonderful things I have in my life.
This post of course does not come unprovoked.
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
http://www.danoah.com/2012/04/a-teens-brave-response-to-im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
These two links were sent to me in a Facebook message today.
The words that followed were simply "I love you Seany."
There have been a lot of times in my life where I have felt utterly alone, unaccepted, and basically hopeless. Right now. At this very moment and day, is NOT one of those times. In fact I have never felt more accepted and supported than I do today.
You see while this blog originally started a few weeks ago as a random spur of the moment thing as a place to put my thoughts. It has already done more good in my life that I could have ever imagined. It has given me a place to work though some of the issues that have been weighing on my shoulders for a very long time.
In the past few weeks I have been working through a lot of my frustrations with relationships, coming out, and a few other random things here and there. It all seemed to come to somewhat of a final conclusion this week.
If you've been following you know my ex-boyfriend Lance has recently decided to make a reappearance in my life. This was the curveball I had never expected. After almost 6 months of being broken up I thought I had finally been able to push him out of my life and I would be able to move on, but in a matter of minutes he was back.
What did he want you might ask? Dinner. He said he wanted dinner. He explained that I had come up in conversation recently and he couldn't stop thinking about me. In fact he had been lying in bed for the past two hours telling himself how much of an idiot he was for letting me go. He also said he knew he didn't deserve it and that he understood if I said no.
No. With Lance the word no isn't in my vocabulary. So of course I agreed to have dinner with him. I was skeptical that he would even show up, but I'd at least give him the chance. Boy was I impressed. He came though with flying colors and is continuing to impress me everyday.
Much of the reason we broke up was because Lance was a major pot head. I happen to be one of those people who is totally opposed to drugs. I have my own reasons for that, but I won't bore you. Well he's been drug free for 4 months now and the change is amazing. Gone is the flakiness, the boy void of emotions, the airheadedness. All of that has been replaced with the Lance I first met. The amazingly intelligent, sweet boy.
Well I will keep the rest of that story for another post, but the main point is life threw me a curveball the day my phone rang and he was on the other end. Especially seeing as how I felt I had finally gotten to the point where I was okay with being alone for awhile. Ready to live the single life. It seems as though life was waiting for me to get to that point before letting Lance back in my life.
Now back to the support, and everything I have to be thankful for. The night of that fateful phone call I stammer up the steps to my best friends dorm. Plop myself on her bed shaking and can only manage to say, "Lance just called. We're getting dinner tomorrow night."
Now here's where I feel the support. Instead of sitting there and trying to talk me out of it she begins to question me. Not to get answers for herself, but instead questions I need to be asking myself. Making sure I really know what it is that I want and what it is I'm getting myself into. Genuinely making sure I won't get hurt again.
This is the kind of friend everyone needs. This is the definition of love. I can honestly say that the only reason I am here today as the strong person I am is because of the friends I have made over the past year. Without their love and support I would be nowhere as confident with who I am. They have done everything right. They have sat by and listened to me babble on about boy after boy. (Trust me there have been a lot of them) They have consoled me when I've cried my heart out. They've given opinions and advice. They've honestly done nothing but support me in everything I do. The good and the bad. Over the past two years my friends have become the family I have always longed for.
Without them I would be nothing.
I know many of them will never read this, but a few of them will. To them all I can say is thank you. I owe you my life, for without you I wouldn't have it. You're love has kept me going and kept me happy during the time of my life that has been the most difficult. You have accepted me, unconditionally, for who I am, good and bad. I can never repay what you have given me. I am now able to go into any situation fearless knowing that at the end of the day you will all be there. Ready to catch me when I fall. Ready to share in my success. Ready to cry with my heartbreak. Ready for anything that may come my way.
Without you, I would be nothing.
-S
Life has an odd way of giving you something the very moment you need it.
Or in some cases keeping something from you that you're practically begging for until you're ready.
The past few days have been a blur for me. A blur that contains an amazing amount of confusion. Not only has life thrown me a massive curveball that I never expected, but my life has really shown me what I have to be thankful for and how much love surrounds me.
I feel as though a lot of my time blogging so far has been spent complaining. When instead I should be raving about all the wonderful things I have in my life.
This post of course does not come unprovoked.
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
http://www.danoah.com/2012/04/a-teens-brave-response-to-im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
These two links were sent to me in a Facebook message today.
The words that followed were simply "I love you Seany."
There have been a lot of times in my life where I have felt utterly alone, unaccepted, and basically hopeless. Right now. At this very moment and day, is NOT one of those times. In fact I have never felt more accepted and supported than I do today.
You see while this blog originally started a few weeks ago as a random spur of the moment thing as a place to put my thoughts. It has already done more good in my life that I could have ever imagined. It has given me a place to work though some of the issues that have been weighing on my shoulders for a very long time.
In the past few weeks I have been working through a lot of my frustrations with relationships, coming out, and a few other random things here and there. It all seemed to come to somewhat of a final conclusion this week.
If you've been following you know my ex-boyfriend Lance has recently decided to make a reappearance in my life. This was the curveball I had never expected. After almost 6 months of being broken up I thought I had finally been able to push him out of my life and I would be able to move on, but in a matter of minutes he was back.
What did he want you might ask? Dinner. He said he wanted dinner. He explained that I had come up in conversation recently and he couldn't stop thinking about me. In fact he had been lying in bed for the past two hours telling himself how much of an idiot he was for letting me go. He also said he knew he didn't deserve it and that he understood if I said no.
No. With Lance the word no isn't in my vocabulary. So of course I agreed to have dinner with him. I was skeptical that he would even show up, but I'd at least give him the chance. Boy was I impressed. He came though with flying colors and is continuing to impress me everyday.
Much of the reason we broke up was because Lance was a major pot head. I happen to be one of those people who is totally opposed to drugs. I have my own reasons for that, but I won't bore you. Well he's been drug free for 4 months now and the change is amazing. Gone is the flakiness, the boy void of emotions, the airheadedness. All of that has been replaced with the Lance I first met. The amazingly intelligent, sweet boy.
Well I will keep the rest of that story for another post, but the main point is life threw me a curveball the day my phone rang and he was on the other end. Especially seeing as how I felt I had finally gotten to the point where I was okay with being alone for awhile. Ready to live the single life. It seems as though life was waiting for me to get to that point before letting Lance back in my life.
Now back to the support, and everything I have to be thankful for. The night of that fateful phone call I stammer up the steps to my best friends dorm. Plop myself on her bed shaking and can only manage to say, "Lance just called. We're getting dinner tomorrow night."
Now here's where I feel the support. Instead of sitting there and trying to talk me out of it she begins to question me. Not to get answers for herself, but instead questions I need to be asking myself. Making sure I really know what it is that I want and what it is I'm getting myself into. Genuinely making sure I won't get hurt again.
This is the kind of friend everyone needs. This is the definition of love. I can honestly say that the only reason I am here today as the strong person I am is because of the friends I have made over the past year. Without their love and support I would be nowhere as confident with who I am. They have done everything right. They have sat by and listened to me babble on about boy after boy. (Trust me there have been a lot of them) They have consoled me when I've cried my heart out. They've given opinions and advice. They've honestly done nothing but support me in everything I do. The good and the bad. Over the past two years my friends have become the family I have always longed for.
Without them I would be nothing.
I know many of them will never read this, but a few of them will. To them all I can say is thank you. I owe you my life, for without you I wouldn't have it. You're love has kept me going and kept me happy during the time of my life that has been the most difficult. You have accepted me, unconditionally, for who I am, good and bad. I can never repay what you have given me. I am now able to go into any situation fearless knowing that at the end of the day you will all be there. Ready to catch me when I fall. Ready to share in my success. Ready to cry with my heartbreak. Ready for anything that may come my way.
Without you, I would be nothing.
-S
Thursday, April 5, 2012
It's All in the Eyes
One of my middle school teachers told us that. Lately I've found that it is so true. There's just something about someones eyes that can explain so much. At one single glace you can see so many emotions. Happiness, anger, sadness, hate, and love. All can be expressed through these two small things.
I've been spending a lot of time looking deeply into peoples eyes lately. Once you get past the awkward glances you get from people once they figure out what you're doing you can really learn a lot about someone.
The most recent example I can think of the illustrate my point is what happened last night. If you've been keeping up you know I had a date with Lee planned. I spent a lot of time examining his eyes, trying to figure out what he was feeling as the evening moved a long.
At the beginning of the even it was hard to tell, and then we were trapped in a dark movie theater for a few hours so there wasn't much I could see of his eyes. After the movie we went out for sushi. While we were eating Lee got some great news in an email I could see the surprise and happiness in his eyes immediately.
After sushi we ended up at some party and again I was focused on his eyes. They were happy, but anytime they glanced over at me they changed. See I didn't know anyone here and when I don't know anyone I can become the shy little wallflower that doesn't say much. every time Lee had a chance to look at me his eyes would give me the silent question of "Are you ok? Do you want to leave?" I would always do my best to shoot back an answer of "I'm fine. Stop worrying." and flash the cutest smile I own.
Once we were done with our socializing it was time to take Lee home and call it a night. Here comes the twist of events. My phone rings during the short drive back to Lee's apartment. it's a number I don't have in my phone so I'm pretty confused as to who would be calling me at 12:30 on a Wednesday night.
I answered and right after the "Hi" comes across I knew immediately who it was. Lance. I was dumbstruck. I never thought I would hear this boys voice again. It's been almost 4 months since I last heard it. I quickly informed him that I was driving and had to drop someone off and said I'd call him back in about 5 mins.
I hung up and just couldn't speak. Then I came back to reality and remembered Lee was in the car. "Ummmmm, that was my ex.." was all I managed to spurt out.
"How did things end between you two?" was Lee's question. I gave him a quick run-down of what happened between the two of us. This was when his eyes changed again. They weren't looking at me with that happiness they had before. They had changed. This time time a very somber, almost sad tone. I could see the genuine concern in his eyes as I told him what had happened between us. Once my story was done we chatted about our evening and said a quick goodbye.
"So you're going to call him back?" Lee said. "well yeah" was what I got out. "Don't let him trick you. I know who exes can be." With that Lee got out of the car. before he closed the door he bent back down and looked at me with some of the most caring eyes I have ever seen. "Well, let me know how it goes... just out of curiosity." Then he was gone.
I left and called Lance back, but I couldn't get that image of Lee out of my mind. Just more proof to me that they eyes truly are the windows to your soul.
-S
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
It's the Fear of Being Alone
For those of you who aren't country fans you'll probably hate listening to that, but it really just started to make me think today. As I was a bad student and decided to skip class today I had a lot of down time, most of which was spent reading the Hunger Games. The odd thing though was it was just me and my silent room. It was the first time I've felt truly alone in a long time.
This quite day got me thinking and I actually remembered something that I posted on Facebook about a year back:
I have had a lot of time to think recently and one of the things that has been on my mind a lot is silence. I find silence to be very interesting... so many people seem to fear silence, but why? Is it because when there is silence we get bored? Or is it because silence doesn't let us know what others are thinking? I personally believe that so many of us fear silence because if there is no noise distracting us we a literary left alone with ourselves. Why do we fear our thoughts so much? Do we fear that if left alone with our thoughts we may actually come to a conclusion that we don't actually want to realize? I've found lately that when I'm sitting in silence it can actually be the hardest part of my day because I have no distractions from what is going on with my life and in my head, yet I also find that these can be the most productive parts of my day all because when I sit in silence I have to actually be brutally honest with myself and think about my problems and ways to overcome them. Silence, I believe, can actually solve a lot of peoples problems but in today's world it is so hard to get silence, especially in college. It seems like everyone always has something being blared into their eardrums either by a person, a tv, or an ipod... I think that if we would all just take some time to sit in silence and really be honest with ourselves a lot of our lives would be much easier.
See today in my silence I had somewhat of a realization. I haven't been alone with myself in a very long time. Yes I've been physically alone, but not really mentally. I'm always texting someone, chatting on Facebook, or when real friends don't materialize I turn to Grindr. It seems the minute my phone stops receiving texts I log on and wait for that distinctive notification noise.
I'm thinking this may be a lot of the reason I've been jumping from boy to boy. I haven't been ready to really put effort into a relationship since things went downhill with Lance. Yet, the issue is I have a huge fear of being totally alone. So I fill that void with shallow conversations with a lot of boys who really just want in my pants.
See what I realized today is I haven't been letting myself have those moments of silence where I really do have to be brutally honest with myself. Where I really have to think about my life and what it's become the past few months. Today was really the day that I realized it's time for me to start being honest with myself and really thinking through what it is that I want.
Silence is golden. One of those little sayings I've heard all my life but never really thought I'd have any use for. Well, it seems as though I do. I need to overcome this fear I have of myself and learn that being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact it can make me a much stronger person. Some major soul-searching is definitely needed right now so I can get back on track and really understand what it is that I want from my life right now. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself before I can really fully devote myself to another man like I did Lance. I need to be ok with the fact of being alone before I can be with someone.
Well here goes nothing! I'm going to tuck myself in and let the silence wave over me. Goodnight all!
-S
Monday, April 2, 2012
Crushes, Leagues, Grindr, Chrushes: Part Deux
So my last post got a few more reactions than what I was initially expecting. The main one being that of a friend who kind of let loose on me, but in way that he put a lot into prospective for me. He came up with a lot of valid points and I'm realizing that my last post was pretty much a gigantic pity party.
Now I will be the first to admit that I'm not perfect. In fact I am highly flawed. I'm a narcissistic, OCD, control-freak with low self-esteem. So naturally I throw a lot of pity parties for one. Yet, what my friend did was point out the facts that I do have a tendency to go on a lot of dates, I do get noticed when I go out to the clubs, and I do receive a lot of messages on Grindr. The worst part of this was finding out that one of guys who messaged me on Grindr wanting to hookup was actually dating this friend at the time. Yeah, talk about feeling horrible.
Anyway, to clarify, my issue isn't in finding guys, it's in finding guys of substance. I also understand that my issues with not being able to find substance are also a lot of my own fault. I haven't really invested enough time and energy into any particular guy to actually get to a point where there could be substance in our relationship. Part of this may be my own subconscious fear of commitment that won't let me get that close to a boy. Either way it's an issue. I do understand now that I do have it a lot better than most. I do get a lot of compliments on my looks and go on a lot of dates. It's just a matter of being patient and reminding myself that someday I'll find someone who will make me forget about all of that.
The other interesting thing that came from that post is I did manage to grow a pair and talk to Blair. Of course it was painfully awkward, but good overall. I felt like I was in high school all over again getting ready to pass the girl I liked a note. (Yes, I went through the whole girl phase.... never again) Oh well, I have found that in my life, I now live for awkward.
On a side note Lee and I have a date planned for Wednesday to go see the Hunger Games. I just started reading the book today and I haven't been able to put it down! I'm already halfway through the book and can't wait to see the movie. I'm not quite sure which part I'm more excited for, seeing Lee, or seeing the movie...
Now I will be the first to admit that I'm not perfect. In fact I am highly flawed. I'm a narcissistic, OCD, control-freak with low self-esteem. So naturally I throw a lot of pity parties for one. Yet, what my friend did was point out the facts that I do have a tendency to go on a lot of dates, I do get noticed when I go out to the clubs, and I do receive a lot of messages on Grindr. The worst part of this was finding out that one of guys who messaged me on Grindr wanting to hookup was actually dating this friend at the time. Yeah, talk about feeling horrible.
Anyway, to clarify, my issue isn't in finding guys, it's in finding guys of substance. I also understand that my issues with not being able to find substance are also a lot of my own fault. I haven't really invested enough time and energy into any particular guy to actually get to a point where there could be substance in our relationship. Part of this may be my own subconscious fear of commitment that won't let me get that close to a boy. Either way it's an issue. I do understand now that I do have it a lot better than most. I do get a lot of compliments on my looks and go on a lot of dates. It's just a matter of being patient and reminding myself that someday I'll find someone who will make me forget about all of that.
The other interesting thing that came from that post is I did manage to grow a pair and talk to Blair. Of course it was painfully awkward, but good overall. I felt like I was in high school all over again getting ready to pass the girl I liked a note. (Yes, I went through the whole girl phase.... never again) Oh well, I have found that in my life, I now live for awkward.
On a side note Lee and I have a date planned for Wednesday to go see the Hunger Games. I just started reading the book today and I haven't been able to put it down! I'm already halfway through the book and can't wait to see the movie. I'm not quite sure which part I'm more excited for, seeing Lee, or seeing the movie...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Crushes, Leagues, Grindr, and Crushes
Crushes. What are they? Why do we have them? What's the difference between a crush and love? As cliche as it may be I decided to Google what I crush is. One of the best definitions I found was from the almighty word definition source: Urban Dictionary. This user posted that a crush is "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special."
The issue here is I have a tendency to develop massive crushes on people who, for the most part, I don't even know. Today I found out the boy that I have a huge crush, I've mentioned him before as Blair, is seeing someone. My heart sank and it has just put me in a bad mood since then. Yet, the thing is this boy doesn't even know me! We've never met in person, we've never really talked, and yet I have developed some kind of major crush on him without really even knowing anything about him.
From some random and questionable articles that I managed to find about crushes it seems that I may not be the only one with this problem. I also forgot to mention that this isn't the first time I've had a crush on someone who barely knows of my existence.
It's times like these I wish I was a lot braver. While I may be fairly outgoing when it comes to boys I am possibly one of the most sheepish of men. The other issue with this boy is that he is entirely out of my league, so even if he knew of me I'm sure I wouldn't have a chance in hell.
Now a lot of you may be saying, "oh there's no such things as leagues". Well I hate to say it but in the gay world there really is. Their are tiers of attractiveness and there is pretty much no way of moving upwards on the tiers and those at the top very rarely move down a tier to date.
The hardest part though seems to be figuring out just exactly what tier you belong on. I like to consider my self pretty decent looking, but as far as self-esteem goes I have very little. I know I have a decent face, but my body is what I'm most self conscious about. I've got tone, somewhat of a 6-pack, but for the most part I'm a 5' 10" skinny twink boy. I've been made fun of for it ever since I can remember. I've always wanted more muscle. I mean who doesn't want to look like a greek adonis? I've just never had the knowledge, motivation, or financing to add the 35 pounds of muscle my body could use.
I think my low self-esteem is one reason I love Grindr. That app is nothing but a mobile ego boost. I can log on and wait for the compliments to start rolling in. Sadly though these compliments are often coming from guys I really have no interest in, and those that I do have interest in never seem to message me, and if I message them I get ignored. So that's less of an ego boost there, quite the opposite in fact. I've currently got 26 days left on my Grindr Extra subscription and I've decided that at the end of those 26 days Grindr is going to be leaving my life. Nothing great has come from Grindr, and it just promotes some not so great behaviors for me so it's just something that needs to be purged.
Anyway, I'm a little off topic here. This whole crush this also needs to be purged from my life. It's not really healthy for me to be pouring so much emotion into something that isn't real. I should be focusing a lot more on the actual options I have right now. Speaking of which, if you've been keeping up with my posts I wrote earlier about the spring break hook-up I had last week. Well we hung out again on Friday night and we actually have a date planned for Wednesday night. I'm actually really excited this boy, we'll call him Lee, is actually pretty enjoyable. Besides the fact that he breaks my little vow of celibacy I really enjoy spending time with him. On Friday we just had an evening in and watched the tv show Archer. We can also just sit there and talk, we've gone for a walk, and he's always very sweet. Now I'm not entirely sure what he wants at this time, so I'm still just kind of taking things step by step, but I definitely wouldn't mind seeing more of this boy.
Well that's enough random gibber-jabber for today. Hope I didn't bore you to death. Thanks for reading!
-S
The issue here is I have a tendency to develop massive crushes on people who, for the most part, I don't even know. Today I found out the boy that I have a huge crush, I've mentioned him before as Blair, is seeing someone. My heart sank and it has just put me in a bad mood since then. Yet, the thing is this boy doesn't even know me! We've never met in person, we've never really talked, and yet I have developed some kind of major crush on him without really even knowing anything about him.
From some random and questionable articles that I managed to find about crushes it seems that I may not be the only one with this problem. I also forgot to mention that this isn't the first time I've had a crush on someone who barely knows of my existence.
It's times like these I wish I was a lot braver. While I may be fairly outgoing when it comes to boys I am possibly one of the most sheepish of men. The other issue with this boy is that he is entirely out of my league, so even if he knew of me I'm sure I wouldn't have a chance in hell.
Now a lot of you may be saying, "oh there's no such things as leagues". Well I hate to say it but in the gay world there really is. Their are tiers of attractiveness and there is pretty much no way of moving upwards on the tiers and those at the top very rarely move down a tier to date.
The hardest part though seems to be figuring out just exactly what tier you belong on. I like to consider my self pretty decent looking, but as far as self-esteem goes I have very little. I know I have a decent face, but my body is what I'm most self conscious about. I've got tone, somewhat of a 6-pack, but for the most part I'm a 5' 10" skinny twink boy. I've been made fun of for it ever since I can remember. I've always wanted more muscle. I mean who doesn't want to look like a greek adonis? I've just never had the knowledge, motivation, or financing to add the 35 pounds of muscle my body could use.
I think my low self-esteem is one reason I love Grindr. That app is nothing but a mobile ego boost. I can log on and wait for the compliments to start rolling in. Sadly though these compliments are often coming from guys I really have no interest in, and those that I do have interest in never seem to message me, and if I message them I get ignored. So that's less of an ego boost there, quite the opposite in fact. I've currently got 26 days left on my Grindr Extra subscription and I've decided that at the end of those 26 days Grindr is going to be leaving my life. Nothing great has come from Grindr, and it just promotes some not so great behaviors for me so it's just something that needs to be purged.
Anyway, I'm a little off topic here. This whole crush this also needs to be purged from my life. It's not really healthy for me to be pouring so much emotion into something that isn't real. I should be focusing a lot more on the actual options I have right now. Speaking of which, if you've been keeping up with my posts I wrote earlier about the spring break hook-up I had last week. Well we hung out again on Friday night and we actually have a date planned for Wednesday night. I'm actually really excited this boy, we'll call him Lee, is actually pretty enjoyable. Besides the fact that he breaks my little vow of celibacy I really enjoy spending time with him. On Friday we just had an evening in and watched the tv show Archer. We can also just sit there and talk, we've gone for a walk, and he's always very sweet. Now I'm not entirely sure what he wants at this time, so I'm still just kind of taking things step by step, but I definitely wouldn't mind seeing more of this boy.
Well that's enough random gibber-jabber for today. Hope I didn't bore you to death. Thanks for reading!
-S
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