For those of you who aren't country fans you'll probably hate listening to that, but it really just started to make me think today. As I was a bad student and decided to skip class today I had a lot of down time, most of which was spent reading the Hunger Games. The odd thing though was it was just me and my silent room. It was the first time I've felt truly alone in a long time.
This quite day got me thinking and I actually remembered something that I posted on Facebook about a year back:
I have had a lot of time to think recently and one of the things that has been on my mind a lot is silence. I find silence to be very interesting... so many people seem to fear silence, but why? Is it because when there is silence we get bored? Or is it because silence doesn't let us know what others are thinking? I personally believe that so many of us fear silence because if there is no noise distracting us we a literary left alone with ourselves. Why do we fear our thoughts so much? Do we fear that if left alone with our thoughts we may actually come to a conclusion that we don't actually want to realize? I've found lately that when I'm sitting in silence it can actually be the hardest part of my day because I have no distractions from what is going on with my life and in my head, yet I also find that these can be the most productive parts of my day all because when I sit in silence I have to actually be brutally honest with myself and think about my problems and ways to overcome them. Silence, I believe, can actually solve a lot of peoples problems but in today's world it is so hard to get silence, especially in college. It seems like everyone always has something being blared into their eardrums either by a person, a tv, or an ipod... I think that if we would all just take some time to sit in silence and really be honest with ourselves a lot of our lives would be much easier.
See today in my silence I had somewhat of a realization. I haven't been alone with myself in a very long time. Yes I've been physically alone, but not really mentally. I'm always texting someone, chatting on Facebook, or when real friends don't materialize I turn to Grindr. It seems the minute my phone stops receiving texts I log on and wait for that distinctive notification noise.
I'm thinking this may be a lot of the reason I've been jumping from boy to boy. I haven't been ready to really put effort into a relationship since things went downhill with Lance. Yet, the issue is I have a huge fear of being totally alone. So I fill that void with shallow conversations with a lot of boys who really just want in my pants.
See what I realized today is I haven't been letting myself have those moments of silence where I really do have to be brutally honest with myself. Where I really have to think about my life and what it's become the past few months. Today was really the day that I realized it's time for me to start being honest with myself and really thinking through what it is that I want.
Silence is golden. One of those little sayings I've heard all my life but never really thought I'd have any use for. Well, it seems as though I do. I need to overcome this fear I have of myself and learn that being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact it can make me a much stronger person. Some major soul-searching is definitely needed right now so I can get back on track and really understand what it is that I want from my life right now. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself before I can really fully devote myself to another man like I did Lance. I need to be ok with the fact of being alone before I can be with someone.
Well here goes nothing! I'm going to tuck myself in and let the silence wave over me. Goodnight all!
-S
No comments:
Post a Comment