Crushes. What are they? Why do we have them? What's the difference between a crush and love? As cliche as it may be I decided to Google what I crush is. One of the best definitions I found was from the almighty word definition source: Urban Dictionary. This user posted that a crush is "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special."
The issue here is I have a tendency to develop massive crushes on people who, for the most part, I don't even know. Today I found out the boy that I have a huge crush, I've mentioned him before as Blair, is seeing someone. My heart sank and it has just put me in a bad mood since then. Yet, the thing is this boy doesn't even know me! We've never met in person, we've never really talked, and yet I have developed some kind of major crush on him without really even knowing anything about him.
From some random and questionable articles that I managed to find about crushes it seems that I may not be the only one with this problem. I also forgot to mention that this isn't the first time I've had a crush on someone who barely knows of my existence.
It's times like these I wish I was a lot braver. While I may be fairly outgoing when it comes to boys I am possibly one of the most sheepish of men. The other issue with this boy is that he is entirely out of my league, so even if he knew of me I'm sure I wouldn't have a chance in hell.
Now a lot of you may be saying, "oh there's no such things as leagues". Well I hate to say it but in the gay world there really is. Their are tiers of attractiveness and there is pretty much no way of moving upwards on the tiers and those at the top very rarely move down a tier to date.
The hardest part though seems to be figuring out just exactly what tier you belong on. I like to consider my self pretty decent looking, but as far as self-esteem goes I have very little. I know I have a decent face, but my body is what I'm most self conscious about. I've got tone, somewhat of a 6-pack, but for the most part I'm a 5' 10" skinny twink boy. I've been made fun of for it ever since I can remember. I've always wanted more muscle. I mean who doesn't want to look like a greek adonis? I've just never had the knowledge, motivation, or financing to add the 35 pounds of muscle my body could use.
I think my low self-esteem is one reason I love Grindr. That app is nothing but a mobile ego boost. I can log on and wait for the compliments to start rolling in. Sadly though these compliments are often coming from guys I really have no interest in, and those that I do have interest in never seem to message me, and if I message them I get ignored. So that's less of an ego boost there, quite the opposite in fact. I've currently got 26 days left on my Grindr Extra subscription and I've decided that at the end of those 26 days Grindr is going to be leaving my life. Nothing great has come from Grindr, and it just promotes some not so great behaviors for me so it's just something that needs to be purged.
Anyway, I'm a little off topic here. This whole crush this also needs to be purged from my life. It's not really healthy for me to be pouring so much emotion into something that isn't real. I should be focusing a lot more on the actual options I have right now. Speaking of which, if you've been keeping up with my posts I wrote earlier about the spring break hook-up I had last week. Well we hung out again on Friday night and we actually have a date planned for Wednesday night. I'm actually really excited this boy, we'll call him Lee, is actually pretty enjoyable. Besides the fact that he breaks my little vow of celibacy I really enjoy spending time with him. On Friday we just had an evening in and watched the tv show Archer. We can also just sit there and talk, we've gone for a walk, and he's always very sweet. Now I'm not entirely sure what he wants at this time, so I'm still just kind of taking things step by step, but I definitely wouldn't mind seeing more of this boy.
Well that's enough random gibber-jabber for today. Hope I didn't bore you to death. Thanks for reading!
-S
Take a chance on this "Blair" fellow. You don't need to come on to him seeing as he is seeing someone, but you don't need to give up on being friends with him. Get to know him better. You could end up with something you really enjoy. As far as Grindr goes, I have but hardly use it. I don't value it to say the least. Hope these thoughts help you in some way. Peace.
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