Have you ever woken up in the morning with a feeling in the pit of your stomach? You're not sure what it is, but you know it's not normal. It doesn't feel like you're sick, it's not that kind of feeling. It's odd, rotted deep down. Somewhere you can't seem to find, somewhere that isn't accessible.
The past 3 or 4 weeks of my life have gone like this. I wake up every morning and feel that odd feeling deep down inside me. I open my eyes and I want to shut them again immediately. Something isn't right. I haven't felt like myself the past few weeks. I haven't been smiling, I haven't wanted to be awake. I've been drinking a lot more, and I've been insanely crabby and temperamental.
I knew something was wrong, but to the extent I had no idea until the other night. In a random conversation with my roommates they both admitted to me that I haven't been myself lately. It turns out that a few others have been asking about me and inquiring as to what's wrong with me. Another friend even said "I do miss the happy Sean."
What's wrong with me? My smile is gone. My joy for life is gone. I wake up everyday and I let the day pass. I go through the motions and then I go to sleep. I get up the next day and do it over. It's not that I'm being overly emotional. In fact it the strict opposite. I have no emotion. I feel nothing.
It's like the real me has left my body and gone on a vacation leaving a shell behind.
My roommates seem to think that it's because Chad is gone, but I don't think that's the entire story. I've had boys leave before, I'm almost a pro at moving onto the next. Yet, I'm not really moving on, nor am I clinging to Chad. We haven't spoken in about two days, as it appears he's ignoring me so I'm just giving him some space, but it doesn't seem to bother me all that much.
It's like I'm in some kind of rut. Lost out in the wilderness somewhere with no one to pull me out and I don't quite know how to help myself. There have been a few moments when I've seen a glimpse of the old me, but not when I'm alone. When I'm alone I sit here with my thoughts, but the problem is it seems there aren't really any thoughts left, so I just sit.
Bleh. This post doesn't even have enough thought behind it for me to continue. It's just turned into ramblings. So for now I think I'm done. Hopefully some real thoughts will come my way.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
The Power of Words
Anyway onto better things. This movie really got me thinking about the power of words. Simple sounds strung together. It's amazing the power they hold. Moreover small little letters strung together and read by some nonexistent voice in our heads. Everything we know comes from words.
Even now as I write this these words hold power within me. This entire blog is a testament to the power words can hold. I use these words as a kind of therapist. A way to let my thoughts take a more concrete shape, a way to work though the issues milling about in my brain, a way to let out my frustrations in a more coherent rant form. Yet, someone who reads this my words may not hold much power, but for another they could hold a massive amount of power.
Over the course of history entire empires have been built on almost words alone. The Third Reich for example. Hitler had no background in leading anything really, let a lone a country or the world. The thing he could do though was speak. He could enthrall audiences with a single speech and entrance people into following him. It's words that provide the foundations for empires.
While words seem to have the power to build they also have the power to destroy beyond recognition. As humans we involve emotion in everything we do and words come along with those emotions. With a few short sentences we all have the power to rip someone to shreds and tear them down.
To me words hold a great amount of power. I have quotes all over my room, floating around in my head, saved on my phone. Each of them just a tidbit of words that have the power to motivate me, cheer me up, and provide hope.
I've also found that one of my talents is using my words to heal, encourage, and support. While I may not have myself completely put together I have the wonderful ability to set it all aside and focus on another for a period of time that's just long enough to have them leaving with a smile on their face. I have the ability to command the attention of a room, as I was "blessed" with a strong diaphragm and loud voice, but it's the words that come out that contain the meaning.
So I implore you. Before you let that next sentence out, or before you send that next text message, or update your status, stop and think for a moment of the power behind what you are about to put out to the world. Is it going to provide the foundation for good or will it just destroy?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Wishing for a Crystal Ball
I know lately I've been wishing I had one. The ability to know if I am making the right decisions would be amazing, yet the biggest issue with knowing the outcome is you miss out on the adventure.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Trying to figure out what direction I've got my life pointed in. It's been a difficult road to travel down because I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with where I am. My problem is I have a tendency to compare my life to the lives of others far too often. I look at those who are my same age and see what they've accomplished, where they've been, or who they know and I often forget to look at what I've done, where I've been, and who I know. I forget to be proud of myself.
I also have a tendency to forget my own age. At 20 I have accomplished some astonishing things. I have also managed to accomplish these things without having to rely on a lot of privilege. I don't come from a wealthy family, my parents don't have connections. I have built my life and who I am from the ground up on my own. Sure I have had the support of my family, but often times they had no idea what I was up to or who I was with.
Today I sit here writing worrying about where my life is going, but forgetting where I've come from. While I don't believe it's healthy to dwell on the past I do believe it's beneficial to remember the past. While there may not be a crystal ball for the future, the past is always there for examination.
Right here. Right now. I have no idea where I'm going. I have no idea what my life holds. I could very easily rise to the top, have everything I want, and accomplish my dreams. I could also just as easily crash and burn. The only deciding factor between the two stories now is me. I'm the only one responsible for my future. I have to take hold and prepare for my future success is not just for me. I have others to support and care for. I have others depending on me. I will not accept utter failure. While I may fail at some things I will not fail completely. I will always pick myself back up and move on to the next.
My future may be foggy, but I know one thing that is for sure. I'm going to build something. What that something may be I have no idea, but I'm going to figure it out. I will leave my mark on this world by using my talents and my determination.
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, July 13, 2012
You Can't Escape
So I've been doing a lot of writing lately on how I've been trying to escape the world of hookups. How I'm trying to put that part of my life past me and move on. Well step one was obviously removing myself from any and every kind of dating site, hookup app, conversation, or any interaction in general that could possibly lead to anonymous sex.
Well, so far so good on that part. I've deleted all my accounts and haven't looked back. At times I feel a little lonely not having my safety net of endless compliments and flirts to fall back on, but at the same time I feel much better. I'm focusing more on the relationships that actually mean something to me rather than burying my nose in my phone looking for the nearest, newest gay guy on Grindr.
Removing all of those things from my life was the easy part. All I simply had to do was click "Deactivate" and, poof, it was gone. The problem is my phone has turned into a hookup app in itself. Of the 218 contacts currently sitting in my iPhone a quick count shows 74 that could easily be talked into sex, or ask for it on a regular basis.
It's constant temptation. Especially on nights like this where I sit here in my apartment by myself trying not to think about how lonely I feel. Yet, at the same time I have no desire whatsoever to speak with any of those boys. I know what they want, and it's not what I want anymore. What I don't know how to do is figure out a way to say no to all these boys. I've never been able to say no. I guess now is the time to learn and I better learn fast.
I've already made a lot of bad choices in the short time I have been in the gay community. It's time I start using my brain. Making decisions that are going to benefit me in the long run. I know this isn't going to be easy, but so far I've been able to make it work. I have said no, about twice already and it actually felt really good. I'm not sure how good it will feel a few more months down the road when I haven't had sex in a long time, but I just hope I can learn to be strong.
In a way I feel as though comparing the gay community to the mob is rather fitting. You start out innocent and afraid. After some time you get your feet wet, you join a "family", then you start to move up in the ranks. You're name starts to get known. People learn about what you've done, or who in this case. You gain respect and influence, you develop an entourage. Eventually with enough good looks, money, and influence you make your way to the top. Yet, try leaving. It's not an easy thing. It can quickly get messy when you start saying know to the wrong people. When you try to leave the family the family turns against you.
Some still question why I would want to leave, or if I even really can. Why do I want to leave? It's simple. I want something more. I want a connection. I want to have someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there for me through everything. Someone who eventually I get to come home to every night. I want a house, cars, a dog, a career. I want a normal life with a partner that loves me unconditionally for who I am.
Obviously all of this type of thinking is roaming around in my head because of Chad. If you've been reading you probably noticed that I was doing a lot of ranting and raving about feeling like I've ruined something. Well I was completely and utterly wrong and put myself through 3 days of living hell for nothing.
Chad and I had a nice discussion about our relationship today. While I can't say that the end result was quite what I wanted it makes sense. We discussed out feelings for each other, Chad admitting that he has some pretty major feelings for me, but as usual the fact of him moving to the Caribbean for med school in a little over a month was looming overhead.
We've come to the decision that there isn't a title to what we are. We aren't dating, we're both technically single, but at the same time neither of us are going to be pursuing other relationships. I know I'm naive to think that Chad will become a hermit and not talk to any boys, but at the same time I have confidence that his feelings for me are true.
We've promised to continue talking, which I know in most cases is usually just the easy way to slowly phase someone out of your life, but I do feel this is different. There's talking of him coming up here for a weekend in August so that we can see each other one more time before he leaves. My request to see him at various points throughout his time in med school have gone very well accepted.
While it may seem silly to many to be devoting yourself to a person who you don't even have an official relationship with it's all I've got right now. I've had very little good luck in my life relationship wise, so when something good comes along I've got to try my best to hold on. Besides if I devote myself to this and really buckle down and focus on my life like I need to maybe even more of my dreams will come true.
My last year of school didn't go to well. I wasn't focused. I wasn't determined. All I really wanted to do was watch tv and find boys to hang out with. Well, maybe this is my chance to change things. To set my life in the right direction. In devoting myself to Chad for the next two years what's the worst that could happen? I get my life on course, graduate with honors, become successful in my work? Oh, yeah you're all saying, "What if Chad doesn't stay true and you've wasted two years of you life?"
My answer to that is I haven't wasted any time. I'm 20. By the time Chad is back and we can start discussing the idea of a real relationship I'll be 22. It's not like it's the end of the world if I get back into the dating game at 22. The biggest thing for me is if I can devote myself here, I will be able to finally prove to myself that I can accomplish what I sent my mind to. I can be strong, and I can accomplish great things.
I've come to a point in my life where the road forks. In one direction I have the path that might look fun. It's filled with hookups, parties, and much more of the type. In the other, I've got studying, working, spending time with my friends, and devoting myself to a boy that's 3000 miles away.
I choose the "boring" path. I choose the path that leads to my escape. The path that leads me to success.
Well, so far so good on that part. I've deleted all my accounts and haven't looked back. At times I feel a little lonely not having my safety net of endless compliments and flirts to fall back on, but at the same time I feel much better. I'm focusing more on the relationships that actually mean something to me rather than burying my nose in my phone looking for the nearest, newest gay guy on Grindr.
Removing all of those things from my life was the easy part. All I simply had to do was click "Deactivate" and, poof, it was gone. The problem is my phone has turned into a hookup app in itself. Of the 218 contacts currently sitting in my iPhone a quick count shows 74 that could easily be talked into sex, or ask for it on a regular basis.
It's constant temptation. Especially on nights like this where I sit here in my apartment by myself trying not to think about how lonely I feel. Yet, at the same time I have no desire whatsoever to speak with any of those boys. I know what they want, and it's not what I want anymore. What I don't know how to do is figure out a way to say no to all these boys. I've never been able to say no. I guess now is the time to learn and I better learn fast.
I've already made a lot of bad choices in the short time I have been in the gay community. It's time I start using my brain. Making decisions that are going to benefit me in the long run. I know this isn't going to be easy, but so far I've been able to make it work. I have said no, about twice already and it actually felt really good. I'm not sure how good it will feel a few more months down the road when I haven't had sex in a long time, but I just hope I can learn to be strong.
In a way I feel as though comparing the gay community to the mob is rather fitting. You start out innocent and afraid. After some time you get your feet wet, you join a "family", then you start to move up in the ranks. You're name starts to get known. People learn about what you've done, or who in this case. You gain respect and influence, you develop an entourage. Eventually with enough good looks, money, and influence you make your way to the top. Yet, try leaving. It's not an easy thing. It can quickly get messy when you start saying know to the wrong people. When you try to leave the family the family turns against you.
Some still question why I would want to leave, or if I even really can. Why do I want to leave? It's simple. I want something more. I want a connection. I want to have someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there for me through everything. Someone who eventually I get to come home to every night. I want a house, cars, a dog, a career. I want a normal life with a partner that loves me unconditionally for who I am.
Obviously all of this type of thinking is roaming around in my head because of Chad. If you've been reading you probably noticed that I was doing a lot of ranting and raving about feeling like I've ruined something. Well I was completely and utterly wrong and put myself through 3 days of living hell for nothing.
Chad and I had a nice discussion about our relationship today. While I can't say that the end result was quite what I wanted it makes sense. We discussed out feelings for each other, Chad admitting that he has some pretty major feelings for me, but as usual the fact of him moving to the Caribbean for med school in a little over a month was looming overhead.
We've come to the decision that there isn't a title to what we are. We aren't dating, we're both technically single, but at the same time neither of us are going to be pursuing other relationships. I know I'm naive to think that Chad will become a hermit and not talk to any boys, but at the same time I have confidence that his feelings for me are true.
We've promised to continue talking, which I know in most cases is usually just the easy way to slowly phase someone out of your life, but I do feel this is different. There's talking of him coming up here for a weekend in August so that we can see each other one more time before he leaves. My request to see him at various points throughout his time in med school have gone very well accepted.
While it may seem silly to many to be devoting yourself to a person who you don't even have an official relationship with it's all I've got right now. I've had very little good luck in my life relationship wise, so when something good comes along I've got to try my best to hold on. Besides if I devote myself to this and really buckle down and focus on my life like I need to maybe even more of my dreams will come true.
My last year of school didn't go to well. I wasn't focused. I wasn't determined. All I really wanted to do was watch tv and find boys to hang out with. Well, maybe this is my chance to change things. To set my life in the right direction. In devoting myself to Chad for the next two years what's the worst that could happen? I get my life on course, graduate with honors, become successful in my work? Oh, yeah you're all saying, "What if Chad doesn't stay true and you've wasted two years of you life?"
My answer to that is I haven't wasted any time. I'm 20. By the time Chad is back and we can start discussing the idea of a real relationship I'll be 22. It's not like it's the end of the world if I get back into the dating game at 22. The biggest thing for me is if I can devote myself here, I will be able to finally prove to myself that I can accomplish what I sent my mind to. I can be strong, and I can accomplish great things.
I've come to a point in my life where the road forks. In one direction I have the path that might look fun. It's filled with hookups, parties, and much more of the type. In the other, I've got studying, working, spending time with my friends, and devoting myself to a boy that's 3000 miles away.
I choose the "boring" path. I choose the path that leads to my escape. The path that leads me to success.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
It's the World that Shapes Us
Recently I've been getting into the tv show Obsessed. For those of you who have never seen the show its somewhat familiar to the premis of Intervention. The show documents people suffering from various forms of OCD. The show follows them from the peak of their obsession through treatment with a clinical psychologist.
What's interesting about the show is that it appears that all of these obsessions that people have may be somewhat genetic, but it's always some kind of traumatic event in a person's life that causes them to go over the edge. The world literally sends them in a downward spiral in their obsession. Now, I hate to think it, but I'm sure this is so popular because the typical American tv watcher seems to get some kind of sick enjoyment out of watching the suffering of others. Yet, I can't help but think that a lot of people take comfort in watching this show because it shows them they aren't alone in how messed up they may feel.
You have to admit, we all have our issues. I know I do. While I may not compulsively pick at my skin, pull my hair out, hoard items, or be tortured by visual images in my head I have my own issues. I think this is the hardest thing for a lot of people to admit. We all want to think that we are perfect. We all want to be able to say there's nothing wrong with us. We all want to be normal.
So what do we do? We hide things. We keep things in the shadows where we think others won't see them, but that just allows these things to fester and grow. Eventually if they aren't taken care of and allowed to grow they take over. Many times they take over after a traumatic life experience. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, sexual assault. Something sends us over the edge.
From personal experience I know how traumatic events affect our lives. I've written before about how, at the age of 14, I was raped by someone I considered a close friend. To this day that experience still haunts me. Less than it did before, but it's still there. Certain touches, certain words, certain places or positions still send me into a small panic. This experience has shaped how I handle sexual relationships and it's actually caused a lot of problems, but in order to seem normal I've told very few of my partners what happened to me in the past.
In high school I was also very unpopular. I had a few close friends, but I was hardly in the "popular group," that's where I learned to bury my feelings in work. By the time I graduated I had the unofficial title "President of Everything," they were even kind enough to vote me most likely to succede. To this day though I'm still a workaholic. I hate downtime. Why you might ask? Well, downtime leaves me with time to think. Time to think means I have to face my feelings. I have to see the person I've become. While I am proud of many of my accomplishments I have sacrificed a lot to achieve those accomplishments.
I still have very low self esteem, can't accept a compliment, and as you've seen if you read I have a tendency to have very low standards in my dating life. Now I could go on and on about my own insecurities, but I think you get the picture.
My point here is that the world has created me. The world has made me this way. If I'm like this what is everyone else like? It's time to say no more. It's time for people to be able to say, "this is what's wrong with me, I need help," and not feel ashamed about it. Not be ridiculed by their supposed peers. We all know the world can be such a cruel place to those who aren't perceived as normal.
Now I know it's impossible for just me to change the world by writing things down on a blog very few people read, but at the same time I feel like just changing one person is the start. The next time someone comes to you for help, take off the judgement cap. Listen to them. Help them. Who knows maybe they could help you with some of your own issues. I feel like we could all learn a lot more if would would just accept the fact that no one is "normal." There is no such thing, so stop expecting people to be that way and support those you care for in every way you can.
I know I'm going to start trying my best to do so. We're not all that different from one another.
-S
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The Battle of the Cling
I think we've all had those moments in our lives where we take a look back and say, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Now there are a lot of times in life when this statement can happen, but I'm particularity speaking to the one of being clingy.
Clingy. It seems to be an issue with everyone, but the even bigger issue is that everyone has a different definition of clingy. Some people say talking once a day is too much, some say constant communication is what they need, others are fine with once every other day. Whatever your definition of clingy it seems to be one of those things that can drive a person insane.
The other issue is it seems as though everyone is always worried about being the clingy one. Being the one who tries to talk to much or wants to hang out too much. It seems to be that the one who is more interested is always the clingy one as well. I find truth in this from my own experience. it seems that the ones who are always extremely interested in me are the ones I find the most clingy, especially if I'm not as interested. Yet, when I find someone who I happen to be highly interested in I end up spending copious amounts of time worrying that I'm being too clingy, that I'm texting too much. Many times it sends me in to shear panic and I feel as though I revert back to middle school.
I honestly hate what I do at times. I feel so immature, but I've seen so many people play the same games. It takes them 20 mins to text you back? Well, I'll wait 40 this time. I texted you an hour ago, you tweet 20 mins later. Pure anger. It makes me feel crazy! Why do I play such childish games with myself over something so minuscule as a text message?
What I would be interested in knowing is if things were the same before text messaging and social media. How were things handled? It seems like this day in age it is so easy to become a Stage 5 Psycho Clinger, which undoubtedly ends a lot of relationships before they even have a chance to begin. iPhone's are making things even worse with iMessages. Now thanks to that little message at the bottom saying "Delivered" or "Seen" we can clearly tell when we're being ignored. Thanks for that one Apple.
It seems awkward but I think that one of the first stages of any relationship should be a conversation about what to expect communication wise.
Anyway... I'm tired... and done ranting.
-S
Clingy. It seems to be an issue with everyone, but the even bigger issue is that everyone has a different definition of clingy. Some people say talking once a day is too much, some say constant communication is what they need, others are fine with once every other day. Whatever your definition of clingy it seems to be one of those things that can drive a person insane.
The other issue is it seems as though everyone is always worried about being the clingy one. Being the one who tries to talk to much or wants to hang out too much. It seems to be that the one who is more interested is always the clingy one as well. I find truth in this from my own experience. it seems that the ones who are always extremely interested in me are the ones I find the most clingy, especially if I'm not as interested. Yet, when I find someone who I happen to be highly interested in I end up spending copious amounts of time worrying that I'm being too clingy, that I'm texting too much. Many times it sends me in to shear panic and I feel as though I revert back to middle school.
I honestly hate what I do at times. I feel so immature, but I've seen so many people play the same games. It takes them 20 mins to text you back? Well, I'll wait 40 this time. I texted you an hour ago, you tweet 20 mins later. Pure anger. It makes me feel crazy! Why do I play such childish games with myself over something so minuscule as a text message?
What I would be interested in knowing is if things were the same before text messaging and social media. How were things handled? It seems like this day in age it is so easy to become a Stage 5 Psycho Clinger, which undoubtedly ends a lot of relationships before they even have a chance to begin. iPhone's are making things even worse with iMessages. Now thanks to that little message at the bottom saying "Delivered" or "Seen" we can clearly tell when we're being ignored. Thanks for that one Apple.
It seems awkward but I think that one of the first stages of any relationship should be a conversation about what to expect communication wise.
Anyway... I'm tired... and done ranting.
-S
Monday, July 9, 2012
Is Love Real?
So the past few post I've written are clearly a blubbering shrine to Chad. My question now though is what do we as humans consider love? What is it even? I mean scientifically we're mammals so we have the natural instinct to mate, but we're some of the only mammals who seem to develop an emotional attachement to others in a way that we form extensive relationships and have things such as crushes, and lovers.
Interestingly enough there is a lot of scientific research into why we love. Many of us ask the question why loving someone feels so good. Why are we so happy because of that one person. Well, in a scientific sense we are basically experiencing the same effects of a cocaine high. Being with someone we love produces a chemical in the brain called dopamine which produces feelings of euphoria, energy, sleeplessness, and focused attention.
So, from what research says it seems that humans do have a very animalistic side to why we love, but that has evolved over time and has become less and less about finding the perfect mate to have children with and has become more about finding someone to fulfill your life.
Another interesting article I stumbled upon stated that there are 5 easy ways to tell if you're actually in love.
1. I can live without you, no problem.
There are a lot of people out there who get so attached to their significant other that they feel as though they would die if they were to ever leave. Psychologically this is much more of the behavior of an infant than a full grown adult capable of loving another person. It goes back to the days of being a toddler where if there was no caretaker you would, in fact, die.
Love is more being able to say, "I can live without you, but I'd rather not." It's about choosing to have someone in your life because you know what they bring to you and you know what you bring to them.
2. My love for you will definitely change.
Change is one of the hardest things for human beings to accept, but the problem with that is change is inevitable. We don't live in a static world. Everything changes including people. Yet, those who embrace the fact that things change have a much greater chance of success in love. It makes the relationship much more flexible, which in turn, makes adapting to changes in lifestyle, personality, and really anything else much easier.
Love is much more about being able to accept a person into your life knowing they have a lot of growing to do. Growing that you will be there to help foster and support, while your partner does the same for you.
3. You're not everything I need.
In many relationships people get this crazy idea that finding that one person will somehow fulfill every want, desire, or need that may ever exist. This is again setting you up for failure. As humans we are complex creatures and in love we are clearly not loving our clone. You and your partner will have different interests, dreams, and opinions. That's okay!
Understand that there are a lot of needs you can fulfill for your partner and your partner can fulfill for you, but it's an exhaustingly impossible task to attempt to fulfill every single need for your partner.
4. I won't always hold you close.
We've all heard the cliche of "If you love something, let it go." Sadly this cliche exists because it's true. If you really do love someone you need to support them in every way. Keeping them close is not only selfish, but it also smothers the other person.
The best way to avoid this is to always be honest with your partner. Share your dreams and your feelings. If your partner wants to spend a year touring the globe and you hate traveling and just want to stay at home working let them go! Not for good, but let them go on a trip, or talk about it and come to a compromise. One of the worst things you can do for a relationship is to start giving up some of your dreams because you don't want to upset your partner.
5. You and I aren't one.
Have you ever been on a date where someone hangs on your every word? Agrees with every opinion you have? Doesn't it just feel like they are sucking up? Again another cliche comes true here with the idea that "opposites attract." While polar opposites may not work together there needs to be some difference between you and your partner. As I said before you're not in love with your identical clone are you? The reason you're in love with the person is because of WHO they are.
So the next time you're questioning whether or not you're in love sit down and see if you can make these 5 statements a truth about your relationship. Relationships that truly work on a deep level are those between people that have a mature vision and know the true reality of love.
Now it's far to early for me to say what my feelings for Chad are, but I feel that with this knowledge behind me it's much easier to make mature adult decisions about attempting a long distance relationship. I went old school (high school) and wrote him a letter last night.
I'm glad I wrote it, but at the same time if he reads it I will be insanely vulnerable and close to getting hurt. At the same time my fear is overridden by the fact that if I don't fight for this now it might be too late after he leaves. I've got a lot of thinking to do in the next few days, but it looks like I'm getting ready to fight for this boy.
Interestingly enough there is a lot of scientific research into why we love. Many of us ask the question why loving someone feels so good. Why are we so happy because of that one person. Well, in a scientific sense we are basically experiencing the same effects of a cocaine high. Being with someone we love produces a chemical in the brain called dopamine which produces feelings of euphoria, energy, sleeplessness, and focused attention.
So, from what research says it seems that humans do have a very animalistic side to why we love, but that has evolved over time and has become less and less about finding the perfect mate to have children with and has become more about finding someone to fulfill your life.
Another interesting article I stumbled upon stated that there are 5 easy ways to tell if you're actually in love.
1. I can live without you, no problem.
There are a lot of people out there who get so attached to their significant other that they feel as though they would die if they were to ever leave. Psychologically this is much more of the behavior of an infant than a full grown adult capable of loving another person. It goes back to the days of being a toddler where if there was no caretaker you would, in fact, die.
Love is more being able to say, "I can live without you, but I'd rather not." It's about choosing to have someone in your life because you know what they bring to you and you know what you bring to them.
2. My love for you will definitely change.
Change is one of the hardest things for human beings to accept, but the problem with that is change is inevitable. We don't live in a static world. Everything changes including people. Yet, those who embrace the fact that things change have a much greater chance of success in love. It makes the relationship much more flexible, which in turn, makes adapting to changes in lifestyle, personality, and really anything else much easier.
Love is much more about being able to accept a person into your life knowing they have a lot of growing to do. Growing that you will be there to help foster and support, while your partner does the same for you.
3. You're not everything I need.
In many relationships people get this crazy idea that finding that one person will somehow fulfill every want, desire, or need that may ever exist. This is again setting you up for failure. As humans we are complex creatures and in love we are clearly not loving our clone. You and your partner will have different interests, dreams, and opinions. That's okay!
Understand that there are a lot of needs you can fulfill for your partner and your partner can fulfill for you, but it's an exhaustingly impossible task to attempt to fulfill every single need for your partner.
4. I won't always hold you close.
We've all heard the cliche of "If you love something, let it go." Sadly this cliche exists because it's true. If you really do love someone you need to support them in every way. Keeping them close is not only selfish, but it also smothers the other person.
The best way to avoid this is to always be honest with your partner. Share your dreams and your feelings. If your partner wants to spend a year touring the globe and you hate traveling and just want to stay at home working let them go! Not for good, but let them go on a trip, or talk about it and come to a compromise. One of the worst things you can do for a relationship is to start giving up some of your dreams because you don't want to upset your partner.
5. You and I aren't one.
Have you ever been on a date where someone hangs on your every word? Agrees with every opinion you have? Doesn't it just feel like they are sucking up? Again another cliche comes true here with the idea that "opposites attract." While polar opposites may not work together there needs to be some difference between you and your partner. As I said before you're not in love with your identical clone are you? The reason you're in love with the person is because of WHO they are.
So the next time you're questioning whether or not you're in love sit down and see if you can make these 5 statements a truth about your relationship. Relationships that truly work on a deep level are those between people that have a mature vision and know the true reality of love.
Now it's far to early for me to say what my feelings for Chad are, but I feel that with this knowledge behind me it's much easier to make mature adult decisions about attempting a long distance relationship. I went old school (high school) and wrote him a letter last night.
I'm glad I wrote it, but at the same time if he reads it I will be insanely vulnerable and close to getting hurt. At the same time my fear is overridden by the fact that if I don't fight for this now it might be too late after he leaves. I've got a lot of thinking to do in the next few days, but it looks like I'm getting ready to fight for this boy.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Well, my week with Chad has come and gone. I was lucky enough to get to spend every evening of the week with him. Yet, by the end of the week we were both left questioning if it was a good idea to have spent that much time with each other.
I would consider it one of the best weeks I've had, but also one of the worst. In a weeks time I became more attached to Chad than any boy I ever have. I quickly went from feeling ecstatic on Sunday night, to being insanely emotional on Thursday night.
In fact Thursday was my low point. I went out to dinner with Chad and a few of his friends from around here. When we were done with that he was off to his hotel. We talked for awhile before he left. He explained to me that he didn't want me to be tied down to someone who wasn't even in the country. He promised we would still talk, like it or not we were now part of both of each others lives. I wanted to protest. I wanted to say, "No, you're mine. We can make this work," but at the same time I knew that was a bad idea. It's not fair to either of us to make that kind of a commitment.
Granted I say that easily now. Thursday night I went through about half a box of tissues trying to deal with the idea. It honestly felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I've only ever experienced that kind of pain once before. It's frightening. I don't know how to deal with it.
Part of me feels like a complete idiot for babbling on like that. Does this actually happen in real life? I thought stories of feeling such pain because of another person, or falling in love at first sight were all just things that happened in movies. Real life was different.
Friday was the day Chad left. I skipped out on work an hour early so I could spend some time with him before he left. I handled Friday quite well. I promised myself I wouldn't be sad, I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't ruin the last few moments I got with him. Somehow I was strong enough and we said goodbye. Chad left me with saying, "Don't worry, we'll see each other again. Maybe even before I leave."
I handled it. I took it well. I even had a decent evening out with friends. I didn't even cry until this morning when I got a text: "Listen to For Good from Wicked."
That broke me. Yet, at the same time it gave me a little more insight into how Chad was feeling. It gave me a little more hope of being able to some day make things work. To some day have a real relationship with this boy.
No matter what my time with Chad has changed me. It's shown me that I can feel something for another person. It's shown me that I need to hold myself to higher standards. It's shown me I'm really worth something and that I can't just let any guy have me. They have to be very very special.
For now I've said my good-byes to Chad, but it's only a physical good-bye.
I would consider it one of the best weeks I've had, but also one of the worst. In a weeks time I became more attached to Chad than any boy I ever have. I quickly went from feeling ecstatic on Sunday night, to being insanely emotional on Thursday night.
In fact Thursday was my low point. I went out to dinner with Chad and a few of his friends from around here. When we were done with that he was off to his hotel. We talked for awhile before he left. He explained to me that he didn't want me to be tied down to someone who wasn't even in the country. He promised we would still talk, like it or not we were now part of both of each others lives. I wanted to protest. I wanted to say, "No, you're mine. We can make this work," but at the same time I knew that was a bad idea. It's not fair to either of us to make that kind of a commitment.
Granted I say that easily now. Thursday night I went through about half a box of tissues trying to deal with the idea. It honestly felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I've only ever experienced that kind of pain once before. It's frightening. I don't know how to deal with it.
Part of me feels like a complete idiot for babbling on like that. Does this actually happen in real life? I thought stories of feeling such pain because of another person, or falling in love at first sight were all just things that happened in movies. Real life was different.
Friday was the day Chad left. I skipped out on work an hour early so I could spend some time with him before he left. I handled Friday quite well. I promised myself I wouldn't be sad, I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't ruin the last few moments I got with him. Somehow I was strong enough and we said goodbye. Chad left me with saying, "Don't worry, we'll see each other again. Maybe even before I leave."
I handled it. I took it well. I even had a decent evening out with friends. I didn't even cry until this morning when I got a text: "Listen to For Good from Wicked."
No matter what my time with Chad has changed me. It's shown me that I can feel something for another person. It's shown me that I need to hold myself to higher standards. It's shown me I'm really worth something and that I can't just let any guy have me. They have to be very very special.
For now I've said my good-byes to Chad, but it's only a physical good-bye.
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."
-S
Monday, July 2, 2012
A Blessing and a Curse
Normally I would consider myself someone who is rather emotionally detached from a lot of things. I'm not sure why this is, probably somewhat because of my upbringing. I come from a home where I know I am loved, but it's not exactly shown or spoken that often. I think I could count on my hand the number of times I have told my parents that I love them.
I think some of this has crossed over into how I deal with relationships. Some of the people who know me best may disagree with what I am about to say, but I really feel that I don't fall for someone easily. In my entire lifetime there has only been one person that I feel has evoked any sort of emotional attachment to my heart strings.
At times this can be a great quality to have. I can easily break off relationships that I feel aren't working out and move on quite quickly without remorse. It makes the ideas of hookups much easier knowing that I probably won't develop any real feelings for the person anyway. It even helps me focus on other things in life at times because I'm very rarely completely distracted from my life (besides being on my phone far too much) due to a boy.
Yet, this blessing of not having to worry about developing feelings for a person can also quickly become a major curse. Especially when you've decided it would be nice to leave the world of hookups and try this whole "long term monogamous thing". It makes it hard to find someone worth it because no one really makes you feel like taking that step.
Even beyond finding someone to bring up feelings is being able to leave my comfort zone. I know how I work and what seems to be best for me at the time. Leaving my little niche of how I run my life is a very scary thing. It's the idea of being completely vulnerable.
Now because of what I just wrote many of you may be under the impression that I'm a very cold, unemotional person. Which, at times, I can be. I often have an "I don't care attitude" and send out a lot of sarcasm, but at the same time I try my best to be there for those closest to me when I can tell they need it. It's hardly my favorite thing in the world, but I'll do it because I care.
If you follow any of what I write you can probably guess that this post has been spurred on by Chad's return. I was lucky enough to see him last night and it quickly become one of the best nights of my summer, but at the same time one of the worst.
Just seeing his face instantly put me in the best mood I have been in since he left. I had a horrible last week and had spent most of the day with my feet in a trash can of cold water trying to combat the temperatures of our apartment, but seeing him made it all go away. Even today I'm walking around with a spring in my step, wide awake and chipper after only 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
I don't think I've ever seen someone light up as much as he did just looking at me. At every stoplight in the car he would glance over and just smile. During dinner it was just chatter as usual, no awkward silence, no moments of me questioning when I could go home. Then the rest of the evening was just filled with smiles and kisses.
Now that I'm done making you all vomit from cuteness comes the part that I hate. I have feelings for this boy. Some pretty intense ones. Even today after leaving his hotel I just got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Trust me I've had my fair share of having a good evening with a boy, but they've never ended with that feeling.
It was something that took my totally by surprise. I thought I'd just get in my car and go on with my day, but the entire drive back and even right now thinking about it I just have this weird feeling sitting there, not moving.
This is what scares me the most. It seems like I've finally found another person who brings up even the slightest stir of some potentially major feelings and he leaves me in a week. What I'm going to try and do right now is just ignore them. I'll let them be there, but I'm going to do my best to ignore the fact that he's leaving and just make the most of what little time I do have with him.
At the end of the week we can sit down and have a chat and see what's going to happen. I'm sure you'll be the first to know what happens. At times you're the only one who will listen.
Thanks for reading.
-S
I think some of this has crossed over into how I deal with relationships. Some of the people who know me best may disagree with what I am about to say, but I really feel that I don't fall for someone easily. In my entire lifetime there has only been one person that I feel has evoked any sort of emotional attachment to my heart strings.
At times this can be a great quality to have. I can easily break off relationships that I feel aren't working out and move on quite quickly without remorse. It makes the ideas of hookups much easier knowing that I probably won't develop any real feelings for the person anyway. It even helps me focus on other things in life at times because I'm very rarely completely distracted from my life (besides being on my phone far too much) due to a boy.
Yet, this blessing of not having to worry about developing feelings for a person can also quickly become a major curse. Especially when you've decided it would be nice to leave the world of hookups and try this whole "long term monogamous thing". It makes it hard to find someone worth it because no one really makes you feel like taking that step.
Even beyond finding someone to bring up feelings is being able to leave my comfort zone. I know how I work and what seems to be best for me at the time. Leaving my little niche of how I run my life is a very scary thing. It's the idea of being completely vulnerable.
Now because of what I just wrote many of you may be under the impression that I'm a very cold, unemotional person. Which, at times, I can be. I often have an "I don't care attitude" and send out a lot of sarcasm, but at the same time I try my best to be there for those closest to me when I can tell they need it. It's hardly my favorite thing in the world, but I'll do it because I care.
If you follow any of what I write you can probably guess that this post has been spurred on by Chad's return. I was lucky enough to see him last night and it quickly become one of the best nights of my summer, but at the same time one of the worst.
Just seeing his face instantly put me in the best mood I have been in since he left. I had a horrible last week and had spent most of the day with my feet in a trash can of cold water trying to combat the temperatures of our apartment, but seeing him made it all go away. Even today I'm walking around with a spring in my step, wide awake and chipper after only 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
I don't think I've ever seen someone light up as much as he did just looking at me. At every stoplight in the car he would glance over and just smile. During dinner it was just chatter as usual, no awkward silence, no moments of me questioning when I could go home. Then the rest of the evening was just filled with smiles and kisses.
Now that I'm done making you all vomit from cuteness comes the part that I hate. I have feelings for this boy. Some pretty intense ones. Even today after leaving his hotel I just got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Trust me I've had my fair share of having a good evening with a boy, but they've never ended with that feeling.
It was something that took my totally by surprise. I thought I'd just get in my car and go on with my day, but the entire drive back and even right now thinking about it I just have this weird feeling sitting there, not moving.
This is what scares me the most. It seems like I've finally found another person who brings up even the slightest stir of some potentially major feelings and he leaves me in a week. What I'm going to try and do right now is just ignore them. I'll let them be there, but I'm going to do my best to ignore the fact that he's leaving and just make the most of what little time I do have with him.
At the end of the week we can sit down and have a chat and see what's going to happen. I'm sure you'll be the first to know what happens. At times you're the only one who will listen.
Thanks for reading.
-S
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