Surrounded, but Looking for One

Long time no write! Life has been crazy. Between school and work and being an RA it feels that I have no time to myself anymore. Without time to myself I have very little time to write, and I think I'm starting to realize the toll it's been taking on me mentally.

I always seem to do that don't I? I write until things start going well in life and then I stop. Then a few weeks go by and I start to not feel so great anymore, then maybe a month or two and I really start to realize all my thoughts are getting all jumbled up in my head like the neurons can't find the right filing cabinet or something.

So, here I am. Sitting on my couch at 12:41am writing. Letting my thoughts be written down and eventually posted out on the internet for the world to see. I still can't quite figure out why that seems to help the most. I've had very few comments on my blogs, but even without comments it helps to just have even the slightest chance that people are reading this and that my story is out there.

As I said before life has been hectic lately. I'm going to school full time as well as working as a personal assistant to the CEO of a company 20 hours a week, as well as being an RA again. My days are non-stop and my weekends are too short. Needless to say this leaves very little time for a love life. Yet, the confusing thing is I'm having more sex now than I ever have.

As you probably could have guessed my time with Chad came and went. He's down in the Caribbean now becoming a doctor. We've exchanged about 3 Facebook messages and that's the extent of our promise to stay in touch with each other. I'm back on all the dating sites. The good, bad, and ugly. It seems I've got guys left and right trying to hook up with me, which for a few I've given into temptation.

Yet, even with all this NSA fun, and a secret night life of boys I can't help but feel something missing from my life. The sex is great. Don't get me wrong there, but it's missing meaning. They come over, we go at it, they leave. That's that. I haven't actually slept with someone (as in lying in a bed and sleeping) since July when I stayed with Chad.

I can't remember the last time I've gotten to cuddle up with a boy and watch a movie, or stay up late talking while he fiddles with my fingers. There's no intimacy to my life. Sexually I'm totally satisfied, but mentally I'm still totally alone.

One of my friends sent me this link today: http://narrative.ly/2012/10/lost-in-space/

I found it to be a very interesting read on another writers take on online dating sites and hookup apps like Grindr. Reading it actually made me take a step back and think about what it is that I'm putting out on those sites.

As an economics major I began to think about this a little more economically. The author talks about how he's witnessed people go through the stages of being new and timid. Having a dorky profile picture and looking for "love" until finally moving to have a naked picture and being as sexual as possible.

It's all about how you can make yourself become more in demand. It doesn't matter who's messaging you as long as you're getting 15 new messages a day. So what if that's not even the real you out there in cyber space. The fake you gets messages. We've managed to find a way to turn ourselves into commodities. We are now merchandise sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked up by the right customer.

It's no longer a matter of trial and error in trying to find the person we want. Now we just check the box and everyone who doesn't meet our standards is filtered out. No more cute stories of how you met, now it's a made to order boyfriend and if you don't fit the specifications you're out. Onto the next customer.

I know this is something I do a lot of. I have this perfect man in my head. The one that is made just for me and I won't accept anything else out of a real life boyfriend than what I've created in my head. So instead of making compromises with myself I spend hours searching sites, filtering out those who don't match and trying to get those that do to pay attention to me.

Even with the thousands of men out there on the internet I'm still sitting here alone. Searching for this dream man who probably doesn't even exist, and if he did I'm sure he wouldn't fancy me.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand the value of dating sites and I really believe that some of the most loving relationships are a result of a dating profile, but what I do disagree with is the commercialization of the human being. Thanks to these sites we now have to market ourselves as best we can in order to attract our dream person.

I'd like to say I'm abandoning all the sites and apps, but as usual that is a no. I'll be keeping them for now. Hopefully I'll be able to ween myself off of them nice and slow as cold turkey really doesn't seem to work.

On a happier note, there is this boy at my school I have my eye on. We'll call him Andre. He's an exchange student from Estonia and he's gorgeous! He's about 5' 8" tall with bright blonde hair and vibrant blue eyes. Just gorgeous. A fellow RA has him as a resident and she managed to give him my phone number today. Now my fingers are crossed as I wait for a text! I might try to see if I can find some way to "run into him" and introduce myself properly.

Enough babble from me for now. I have to be ready for class and work again tomorrow! G'night and thanks for reading. I forget how much I need you.

-S

Blubbering

Have you ever scrolled through Facebook and Twitter and taken a peek into the lives of others. Of course you have. Who hasn't? Yet, have you looked through everyone else's life and then take a look at your own life.

I did that today, actually for the past couple days, and every time I end up feeling horrible. I feel so stuck. For some reason it seem that everyone I know is off doing some kind of amazing thing, going on a great adventure, visiting with friends, just anything.

Then there's me. Sitting there looking at their lives while mine stands still here. I just feel so stuck. Like I'm not going anywhere. My days are filled with work and then nothing. When I come home I'm so brain dead that I just plop down on the couch and watch tv. The things is though I'm not sure when things are going to change for me. I still have two years of school left, so that means I'm here in Minneapolis for at least that much time. Yet, what do I really have to look forward to once I'm out of school? Then I just go into the workforce full time.

I've been in this rut all summer. Really ever since Chad left I haven't been the same. There was something wrong before Chad was in the picture, but when he left that was like the catalyst for it all to come cascading down.

The thing that tears me apart is that I want to be strong. I want to say to myself "suck it up! You're better than this", I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want it to go away. I want to be proud of who I am and what I've made of my life, but I can't seem to bring myself to do that.

It seems as though my self-esteem and self-worth are at an all time low. I'm not sure what to do to fix it either. I'm trying my best to just let go of a lot of it. I'm trying to let go of Chad, of feeling like I haven't done enough with my life, of feeling like I'll never meet a guy that will really love me.

Ugh. Look at me just blubbering on. Reaching out for nothing. Right now I'm doing my best to just hold on as best I can. Waiting for that moment when something changes, when something finally happens in my life that just makes me realize what I have.

It'll come someday. Even if I have to chase it for a long long time. It'll come.

I hope.

Bedtime Thoughts

As I sit here thinking about how I should be asleep since I have to be up in 7.5 hours my mind seems to be wandering about from topic to topic not really letting me rest. In my last post I wrote about how I was in a rut, how I was feeling kin of depressed, how I was just plain stuck.

The thing is I don't think I'm completely out of that rut. Yet, I'm not really sure what's missing from my life right now. It doesn't really help that I've been on my own most of the weekend leaving me with a lot of time to just sit and ponder my life and my sorrows. While I'm not exactly sitting here crying "woe is me" I still can't quite figure out what's nto right with me. Something is still off.

I think the biggest problem is I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Since giving up my connection to the world of hookups and one nighters I've had to face the reality of not really knowing who the real me is. I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. There's no doubt there, but at the same time I'm back to having those feelings of thinking that I'm not really meant to be with anyone else.

Now I know many will say that I'm young. I have plenty of time to find someone. I know that, but at the same time when I picture my future it is just so blurry. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and my thoughts and views on my life have changed so much in just the last few months.

The other thing I've been fighting with is that I know right now I feel like I want someone special in my life. I want someone to be able to share things with. I want someone to cuddle up to and watch a movie. I want someone to fight with. Yet, do I really have the time to bring someone into my life? I barely have time for myself right now, and things will only get worse  come September.

I think this may be part of the reason I'm still stuck on Chad. He give me the ability to feel that connection to someone without having to really create time to be with them. That and I still can't deny the fact that he's managed to stir up feelings deep down inside of me that I've only felt once before.

Well this post isn't really going anywhere as it's basically just turned into a jumble of random thoughts... so with that I say goodnight.

I'm Going Home

I spent the last weekend up in northern Minnesota in my hometown. It was what I wold consider an "interesting" experience to say the least. You see I haven't been home since Christmas so that's about 7 months and even when I was home for Christmas I was only there for about 5 days total.

Yet, going home didn't really feel like going home this time. Yeah it's where my parents are and some good friends from high school, but other than that I really have no more attachement to the place. It's the place I grew up, it's the place that has had quite a large influence on who I am today, but it's also a place of torture for me. It's a place that never really let me feel safe to be myself and I still don't. I vowed at a very young age that I would leave and never really look back. So far, I'm doing a damn good job.

Going back I get a lot of looks from those who know me. I see it in their eyes when they talk to me. They ask me what I've been doing and how the "big city" is treating me, so naturally I tell them. I give them the speech of how I'm going to a university for finacne and economics, I work for the Dean of Students at my school, I'm an RA, and I hold another job as the personal assistant to the CEO of a company. Once I'm done comes the look. That look of "well, you're obviously too good for us now."

The entire weekend I felt like an alien there. The place I had lived for 18 years hasn't changed since I left, but I still felt like a foreigner. Even my own friends seemed to look at me different. Not in a way of disgust like the others I managed to run into, but almost in a way of loss and sadness. I haven't seen many of them since I was last home and I could tell they were looking at me as the one who got out. The one who left and didn't come back.

The thing is, I'm no where near done. I've got a long way to go and I'm going to become even more of an alien to that land. Coming back to the city on Sunday I felt more at home than I had all weekend. I felt like I had left the lies of what I had been for 18 years behind on that long drive back and the closer I got to the city the closer I got to being myself. To being home.

Well I will always consider that place my hometown it is no longer home. It's not a place I yearn to be. It's not a place that holds my heart. There really isn't anything left for me there besides my parents. For now the city and this college is my home. It's the place where I am free to be the real me and it's the place that's going to nurture me into becoming the person I want to be and it will push me further that I can even imagine. There is nothing left for me back there, there is only the rest of the world to be explored, so there is no reason to look back on something that holds nothing for me.

To catch those of you who might actually follow this up on my life I kind of left this blog in a bad place. My last post came from a spot of desperation, confusion, and exhaustion. I was stuck. I was still depressed about Chad leaving and to make matters worse I eliminated any connection I once had to most of my other "friends" by deleting Grindr, Manhunt, etc. I was alone for the first time since I had turned 18. It's still a struggle everyday because I do feel very alone. My phone rarely rings anymore as for the first time in a long time I'm not stringing 3 to 4 guys along at the same time.

I can say I think it's making me a better person. I've been focusing on the friendships I have in my life and have actually become much better friends with an old hookup. I've learned to say no. I no longer get texts at 10:00 at night saying "Come over". I now realize what I have to offer to someone else, but now have the willpower to actually wait for the right man to come along.

I really have no idea where Chad and I stand. We rarely talk and I know my chances of seeing him again before he moves to the Caribbean is basically at a 0%. Over time I've been able to let go of him a lot. I mean don't get me wrong I still think about him every single day, multiple times a day, but at the same time I know how ridiculous it is to try and hold onto him when he's going to be so far away. Plus he's making it a little easier by not showing much interest in me either. At times I get upset because I can see him using some of the same tactics I have in the past when I'm trying to phase someone out of my life, but I don't want to confront him on it. I just wish that if that's what he really wanted he would have the guts to say it to me so that I can really let go.

For the mean time I'm spending some quality time working on myself. Getting comfortable with who I am, and getting ready to put up a fight when someone comes along thinking they are going to be the next man in my life.

Its been a roller coaster ride of a summer, and the rest of the year is going to be just as crazy if not worse. I just hope I can hold it together and come out on top.  

Something Isn't Quite Right

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a feeling in the pit of your stomach? You're not sure what it is, but you know it's not normal. It doesn't feel like you're sick, it's not that kind of feeling. It's odd, rotted deep down. Somewhere you can't seem to find, somewhere that isn't accessible.

The past 3 or 4 weeks of my life have gone like this. I wake up every morning and feel that odd feeling deep down inside me. I open my eyes and I want to shut them again immediately. Something isn't right. I haven't felt like myself the past few weeks. I haven't been smiling, I haven't wanted to be awake. I've been drinking a lot more, and I've been insanely crabby and temperamental.

I knew something was wrong, but to the extent I had no idea until the other night. In a random conversation with my roommates they both admitted to me that I haven't been myself lately. It turns out that a few others have been asking about me and inquiring as to what's wrong with me. Another friend even said "I do miss the happy Sean."

What's wrong with me? My smile is gone. My joy for life is gone. I wake up everyday and I let the day pass. I go through the motions and then I go to sleep. I get up the next day and do it over. It's not that I'm being overly emotional. In fact it the strict opposite. I have no emotion. I feel nothing.

It's like the real me has left my body and gone on a vacation leaving a shell behind.

My roommates seem to think that it's because Chad is gone, but I don't think that's the entire story. I've had boys leave before, I'm almost a pro at moving onto the next. Yet, I'm not really moving on, nor am I clinging to Chad. We haven't spoken in about two days, as it appears he's ignoring me so I'm just giving him some space, but it doesn't seem to bother me all that much.

It's like I'm in some kind of rut. Lost out in the wilderness somewhere with no one to pull me out and I don't quite know how to help myself. There have been a few moments when I've seen a glimpse of the old me, but not when I'm alone. When I'm alone I sit here with my thoughts, but the problem is it seems there aren't really any thoughts left, so I just sit.

Bleh. This post doesn't even have enough thought behind it for me to continue. It's just turned into ramblings. So for now I think I'm done. Hopefully some real thoughts will come my way.

The Power of Words

I just spent a wonderful portion of my evening this Friday night watching The King's Speech. For those of you who haven't seen it the movie portrays the story of King George the VI and how he overcomes his speech impediment with the help of a very courageous teacher. If you haven't had the chance to see it I recommend that you take the time to do so!

Anyway onto better things. This movie really got me thinking about the power of words. Simple sounds strung together. It's amazing the power they hold. Moreover small little letters strung together and read by some nonexistent voice in our heads. Everything we know comes from words.

Even now as I write this these words hold power within me. This entire blog is a testament to the power words can hold. I use these words as a kind of therapist. A way to let my thoughts take a more concrete shape, a way to work though the issues milling about in my brain, a way to let out my frustrations in a more coherent rant form. Yet, someone who reads this my words may not hold much power, but for another they could hold a massive amount of power.

Over the course of history entire empires have been built on almost words alone. The Third Reich for example. Hitler had no background in leading anything really, let a lone a country or the world. The thing he could do though was speak. He could enthrall audiences with a single speech and entrance people into following him. It's words that provide the foundations for empires.

While words seem to have the power to build they also have the power to destroy beyond recognition. As humans we involve emotion in everything we do and words come along with those emotions. With a few short sentences we all have the power to rip someone to shreds and tear them down.

To me words hold a great amount of power. I have quotes all over my room, floating around in my head, saved on my phone. Each of them just a tidbit of words that have the power to motivate me, cheer me up, and provide hope.

I've also found that one of my talents is using my words to heal, encourage, and support. While I may not have myself completely put together I have the wonderful ability to set it all aside and focus on another for a period of time that's just long enough to have them leaving with a smile on their face. I have the ability to command the attention of a room, as I was "blessed" with a strong diaphragm and loud voice, but it's the words that come out that contain the meaning.

So I implore you. Before you let that next sentence out, or before you send that next text message, or update your status, stop and think for a moment of the power behind what you are about to put out to the world. Is it going to provide the foundation for good or will it just destroy?

Wishing for a Crystal Ball

I feel as though at some point in our lives we have all dreamed of having that crystal ball that we could just look into and see where our lives would lead us.

I know lately I've been wishing I had one. The ability to know if I am making the right decisions would be amazing, yet the biggest issue with knowing the outcome is you miss out on the adventure.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Trying to figure out what direction I've got my life pointed in. It's been a difficult road to travel down because I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with where I am. My problem is I have a tendency to compare my life to the lives of others far too often. I look at those who are my same age and see what they've accomplished, where they've been, or who they know and I often forget to look at what I've done, where I've been, and who I know. I forget to be proud of myself.

I also have a tendency to forget my own age. At 20 I have accomplished some astonishing things. I have also managed to accomplish these things without having to rely on a lot of privilege. I don't come from a wealthy family, my parents don't have connections. I have built my life and who I am from the ground up on my own. Sure I have had the support of my family, but often times they had no idea what I was up to or who I was with.

Today I sit here writing worrying about where my life is going, but forgetting where I've come from. While I don't believe it's healthy to dwell on the past I do believe it's beneficial to remember the past. While there may not be a crystal ball for the future, the past is always there for examination.

Right here. Right now. I have no idea where I'm going. I have no idea what my life holds. I could very easily rise to the top, have everything I want, and accomplish my dreams. I could also just as easily crash and burn. The only deciding factor between the two stories now is me. I'm the only one responsible for my future. I have to take hold and prepare for my future success is not just for me. I have others to support and care for. I have others depending on me. I will not accept utter failure. While I may fail at some things I will not fail completely. I will always pick myself back up and move on to the next.

My future may be foggy, but I know one thing that is for sure. I'm going to build something. What that something may be I have no idea, but I'm going to figure it out. I will leave my mark on this world by using my talents and my determination.

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

You Can't Escape

So I've been doing a lot of writing lately on how I've been trying to escape the world of hookups. How I'm trying to put that part of my life past me and move on. Well step one was obviously removing myself from any and every kind of dating site, hookup app, conversation, or any interaction in general that could possibly lead to anonymous sex.

Well, so far so good on that part. I've deleted all my accounts and haven't looked back. At times I feel a little lonely not having my safety net of endless compliments and flirts to fall back on, but at the same time I feel much better. I'm focusing more on the relationships that actually mean something to me rather than burying my nose in my phone looking for the nearest, newest gay guy on Grindr.

Removing all of those things from my life was the easy part. All I simply had to do was click "Deactivate" and, poof, it was gone. The problem is my phone has turned into a hookup app in itself. Of the 218 contacts currently sitting in my iPhone a quick count shows 74 that could easily be talked into sex, or ask for it on a regular basis.

It's constant temptation. Especially on nights like this where I sit here in my apartment by myself trying not to think about how lonely I feel. Yet, at the same time I have no desire whatsoever to speak with any of those boys. I know what they want, and it's not what I want anymore. What I don't know how to do is figure out a way to say no to all these boys. I've never been able to say no. I guess now is the time to learn and I better learn fast.

I've already made a lot of bad choices in the short time I have been in the gay community. It's time I start using my brain. Making decisions that are going to benefit me in the long run. I know this isn't going to be easy, but so far I've been able to make it work. I have said no, about twice already and it actually felt really good. I'm not sure how good it will feel a few more months down the road when I haven't had sex in a long time, but I just hope I can learn to be strong.

In a way I feel as though comparing the gay community to the mob is rather fitting. You start out innocent and afraid. After some time you get your feet wet, you join a "family", then you start to move up in the ranks. You're name starts to get known. People learn about what you've done, or who in this case. You gain respect and influence, you develop an entourage. Eventually with enough good looks, money, and influence you make your way to the top. Yet, try leaving. It's not an easy thing. It can quickly get messy when you start saying know to the wrong people. When you try to leave the family the family turns against you.

Some still question why I would want to leave, or if I even really can. Why do I want to leave? It's simple. I want something more. I want a connection. I want to have someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there for me through everything. Someone who eventually I get to come home to every night. I want a house, cars, a dog, a career. I want a normal life with a partner that loves me unconditionally for who I am.

Obviously all of this type of thinking is roaming around in my head because of Chad. If you've been reading you probably noticed that I was doing a lot of ranting and raving about feeling like I've ruined something. Well I was completely and utterly wrong and put myself through 3 days of living hell for nothing.

Chad and I had a nice discussion about our relationship today. While I can't say that the end result was quite what I wanted it makes sense. We discussed out feelings for each other, Chad admitting that he has some pretty major feelings for me, but as usual the fact of him moving to the Caribbean for med school in a little over a month was looming overhead.

We've come to the decision that there isn't a title to what we are. We aren't dating, we're both technically single, but at the same time neither of us are going to be pursuing other relationships. I know I'm naive to think that Chad will become a hermit and not talk to any boys, but at the same time I have confidence that his feelings for me are true.

We've promised to continue talking, which I know in most cases is usually just the easy way to slowly phase someone out of your life, but I do feel this is different. There's talking of him coming up here for a weekend in August so that we can see each other one more time before he leaves. My request to see him at various points throughout his time in med school have gone very well accepted.

While it may seem silly to many to be devoting yourself to a person who you don't even have an official relationship with it's all I've got right now. I've had very little good luck in my life relationship wise, so when something good comes along I've got to try my best to hold on. Besides if I devote myself to this and really buckle down and focus on my life like I need to maybe even more of my dreams will come true.

My last year of school didn't go to well. I wasn't focused. I wasn't determined. All I really wanted to do was watch tv and find boys to hang out with. Well, maybe this is my chance to change things. To set my life in the right direction. In devoting myself to Chad for the next two years what's the worst that could happen? I get my life on course, graduate with honors, become successful in my work? Oh, yeah you're all saying, "What if Chad doesn't stay true and you've wasted two years of you life?"

My answer to that is I haven't wasted any time. I'm 20. By the time Chad is back and we can start discussing the idea of a real relationship I'll be 22. It's not like it's the end of the world if I get back into the dating game at 22. The biggest thing for me is if I can devote myself here, I will be able to finally prove to myself that I can accomplish what I sent my mind to. I can be strong, and I can accomplish great things.

I've come to a point in my life where the road forks. In one direction I have the path that might look fun. It's filled with hookups, parties, and much more of the type. In the other, I've got studying, working, spending time with my friends, and devoting myself to a boy that's 3000 miles away.

I choose the "boring" path. I choose the path that leads to my escape. The path that leads me to success.

It's the World that Shapes Us

On the very day we are born we have a personality, we have certain dispositions, we have certain genetic code, but at the same time it's fascinating how the world we live in also has massive power to dictate who we are and who we become.

Recently I've been getting into the tv show Obsessed. For those of you who have never seen the show its somewhat familiar to the premis of Intervention. The show documents people suffering from various forms of OCD. The show follows them from the peak of their obsession through treatment with a clinical psychologist.

What's interesting about the show is that it appears that all of these obsessions that people have may be somewhat genetic, but it's always some kind of traumatic event in a person's life that causes them to go over the edge. The world literally sends them in a downward spiral in their obsession. Now, I hate to think it, but I'm sure this is so popular because the typical American tv watcher seems to get some kind of sick enjoyment out of watching the suffering of others. Yet, I can't help but think that a lot of people take comfort in watching this show because it shows them they aren't alone in how messed up they may feel.

You have to admit, we all have our issues. I know I do. While I may not compulsively pick at my skin, pull my hair out, hoard items, or be tortured by visual images in my head I have my own issues. I think this is the hardest thing for a lot of people to admit. We all want to think that we are perfect. We all want to be able to say there's nothing wrong with us. We all want to be normal.

So what do we do? We hide things. We keep things in the shadows where we think others won't see them, but that just allows these things to fester and grow. Eventually if they aren't taken care of and allowed to grow they take over. Many times they take over after a traumatic life experience. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, sexual assault. Something sends us over the edge.

From personal experience I know how traumatic events affect our lives. I've written before about how, at the age of 14, I was raped by someone I considered a close friend. To this day that experience still haunts me. Less than it did before, but it's still there. Certain touches, certain words, certain places or positions still send me into a small panic. This experience has shaped how I handle sexual relationships and it's actually caused a lot of problems, but in order to seem normal I've told very few of my partners what happened to me in the past.

In high school I was also very unpopular. I had a few close friends, but I was hardly in the "popular group," that's where I learned to bury my feelings in work. By the time I graduated I had the unofficial title "President of Everything," they were even kind enough to vote me most likely to succede. To this day though I'm still a workaholic. I hate downtime. Why you might ask? Well, downtime leaves me with time to think. Time to think means I have to face my feelings. I have to see the person I've become. While I am proud of many of my accomplishments I have sacrificed a lot to achieve those accomplishments.

I still have very low self esteem, can't accept a compliment, and as you've seen if you read I have a tendency to have very low standards in my dating life. Now I could go on and on about my own insecurities, but I think you get the picture.

My point here is that the world has created me. The world has made me this way. If I'm like this what is everyone else like? It's time to say no more. It's time for people to be able to say, "this is what's wrong with me, I need help," and not feel ashamed about it. Not be ridiculed by their supposed peers. We all know the world can be such a cruel place to those who aren't perceived as normal.

Now I know it's impossible for just me to change the world by writing things down on a blog very few people read, but at the same time I feel like just changing one person is the start. The next time someone comes to you for help, take off the judgement cap. Listen to them. Help them. Who knows maybe they could help you with some of your own issues. I feel like we could all learn a lot more if would would just accept the fact that no one is "normal." There is no such thing, so stop expecting people to be that way and support those you care for in every way you can.

I know I'm going to start trying my best to do so. We're not all that different from one another.

-S

The Battle of the Cling

I think we've all had those moments in our lives where we take a look back and say, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Now there are a lot of times in life when this statement can happen, but I'm particularity speaking to the one of being clingy.

Clingy. It seems to be an issue with everyone, but the even bigger issue is that everyone has a different definition of clingy. Some people say talking once a day is too much, some say constant communication is what they need, others are fine with once every other day. Whatever your definition of clingy it seems to be one of those things that can drive a person insane.

The other issue is it seems as though everyone is always worried about being the clingy one. Being the one who tries to talk to much or wants to hang out too much. It seems to be that the one who is more interested is always the clingy one as well. I find truth in this from my own experience. it seems that the ones who are always extremely interested in me are the ones I find the most clingy, especially if I'm not as interested. Yet, when I find someone who I happen to be highly interested in I end up spending copious amounts of time worrying that I'm being too clingy, that I'm texting too much. Many times it sends me in to shear panic and I feel as though I revert back to middle school.

I honestly hate what I do at times. I feel so immature, but I've seen so many people play the same games. It takes them 20 mins to text you back? Well, I'll wait 40 this time. I texted you an hour ago, you tweet 20 mins later. Pure anger. It makes me feel crazy! Why do I play such childish games with myself over something so minuscule as a text message?

What I would be interested in knowing is if things were the same before text messaging and social media. How were things handled? It seems like this day in age it is so easy to become a Stage 5 Psycho Clinger, which undoubtedly ends a lot of relationships before they even have a chance to begin. iPhone's are making things even worse with iMessages. Now thanks to that little message at the bottom saying "Delivered" or "Seen" we can clearly tell when we're being ignored. Thanks for that one Apple.

It seems awkward but I think that one of the first stages of any relationship should be a conversation about what to expect communication wise.

Anyway... I'm tired... and done ranting.

-S

Is Love Real?

So the past few post I've written are clearly a blubbering shrine to Chad. My question now though is what do we as humans consider love? What is it even? I mean scientifically we're mammals so we have the natural instinct to mate, but we're some of the only mammals who seem to develop an emotional attachement to others in a way that we form extensive relationships and have things such as crushes, and lovers.

Interestingly enough there is a lot of scientific research into why we love. Many of us ask the question why loving someone feels so good. Why are we so happy because of that one person. Well, in a scientific sense we are  basically experiencing the same effects of a cocaine high. Being with someone we love produces a chemical in the brain called dopamine which produces feelings of euphoria, energy, sleeplessness, and focused attention.

So, from what research says it seems that humans do have a very animalistic side to why we love, but that has evolved over time and has become less and less about finding the perfect mate to have children with and has become more about finding someone to fulfill your life.

Another interesting article I stumbled upon stated that there are 5 easy ways to tell if you're actually in love.

1.  I can live without you, no problem.

There are a lot of people out there who get so attached to their significant other that they feel as though they would die if they were to ever leave. Psychologically this is much more of the behavior of an infant than a full grown adult capable of loving another person. It goes back to the days of being a toddler where if there was no caretaker you would, in fact, die.

Love is more being able to say, "I can live without you, but I'd rather not." It's about choosing to have someone in your life because you know what they bring to you and you know what you bring to them.

2.  My love for you will definitely change.

Change is one of the hardest things for human beings to accept, but the problem with that is change is inevitable. We don't live in a static world. Everything changes including people. Yet, those who embrace the fact that things change have a much greater chance of success in love. It makes the relationship much more flexible, which in turn, makes adapting to changes in lifestyle, personality, and really anything else much easier.

Love is much more about being able to accept a person into your life knowing they have a lot of growing to do. Growing that you will be there to help foster and support, while your partner does the same for you.

3. You're not everything I need.

In many relationships people get this crazy idea that finding that one person will somehow fulfill every want, desire, or need that may ever exist. This is again setting you up for failure. As humans we are complex creatures and in love we are clearly not loving our clone. You and your partner will have different interests, dreams, and opinions. That's okay!

Understand that there are a lot of needs you can fulfill for your partner and your partner can fulfill for you, but it's an exhaustingly impossible task to attempt to fulfill every single need for your partner.

4. I won't always hold you close.

We've all heard the cliche of "If you love something, let it go." Sadly this cliche exists because it's true. If you really do love someone you need to support them in every way. Keeping them close is not only selfish, but it also smothers the other person.

The best way to avoid this is to always be honest with your partner. Share your dreams and your feelings. If your partner wants to spend a year touring the globe and you hate traveling and just want to stay at home working let them go! Not for good, but let them go on a trip, or talk about it and come to a compromise. One of the worst things you can do for a relationship is to start giving up some of your dreams because you don't want to upset your partner.

5. You and I aren't one.

Have you ever been on a date where someone hangs on your every word? Agrees with every opinion you have? Doesn't it just feel like they are sucking up? Again another cliche comes true here with the idea that "opposites attract." While polar opposites may not work together there needs to be some difference between you and your partner. As I said before you're not in love with your identical clone are you? The reason you're in love with the person is because of WHO they are.

So the next time you're questioning whether or not you're in love sit down and see if you can make these 5 statements a truth about your relationship. Relationships that truly work on a deep level are those between people that have a mature vision and know the true reality of love.

Now it's far to early for me to say what my feelings for Chad are, but I feel that with this knowledge behind me it's much easier to make mature adult decisions about attempting a long distance relationship. I went old school (high school) and wrote him a letter last night.

I'm glad I wrote it, but at the same time if he reads it I will be insanely vulnerable and close to getting hurt. At the same time my fear is overridden by the fact that if I don't fight for this now it might be too late after he leaves. I've got a lot of thinking to do in the next few days, but it looks like I'm getting ready to fight for this boy.

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Well, my week with Chad has come and gone. I was lucky enough to get to spend every evening of the week with him. Yet, by the end of the week we were both left questioning if it was a good idea to have spent that much time with each other.

I would consider it one of the best weeks I've had, but also one of the worst. In a weeks time I became more attached to Chad than any boy I ever have. I quickly went from feeling ecstatic on Sunday night, to being insanely emotional on Thursday night.

In fact Thursday was my low point. I went out to dinner with Chad and a few of his friends from around here. When we were done with that he was off to his hotel. We talked for awhile before he left. He explained to me that he didn't want me to be tied down to someone who wasn't even in the country. He promised we would still talk, like it or not we were now part of both of each others lives. I wanted to protest. I wanted to say, "No, you're mine. We can make this work," but at the same time I knew that was a bad idea. It's not fair to either of us to make that kind of a commitment.

Granted I say that easily now. Thursday night I went through about half a box of tissues trying to deal with the idea. It honestly felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I've only ever experienced that kind of pain once before. It's frightening. I don't know how to deal with it.

Part of me feels like a complete idiot for babbling on like that. Does this actually happen in real life? I thought stories of feeling such pain because of another person, or falling in love at first sight were all just things that happened in movies. Real life was different.

Friday was the day Chad left. I skipped out on work an hour early so I could spend some time with him before he left. I handled Friday quite well. I promised myself I wouldn't be sad, I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't ruin the last few moments I got with him. Somehow I was strong enough and we said goodbye. Chad left me with saying, "Don't worry, we'll see each other again. Maybe even before I leave."

I handled it. I took it well. I even had a decent evening out with friends. I didn't even cry until this morning when I got a text: "Listen to For Good from Wicked."

That broke me. Yet, at the same time it gave me a little more insight into how Chad was feeling. It gave me a little more hope of being able to some day make things work. To some day have a real relationship with this boy.

No matter what my time with Chad has changed me. It's shown me that I can feel something for another person. It's shown me that I need to hold myself to higher standards. It's shown me I'm really worth something and that I can't just let any guy have me. They have to be very very special.

For now I've said my good-byes to Chad, but it's only a physical good-bye.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."

-S

A Blessing and a Curse

Normally I would consider myself someone who is rather emotionally detached from a lot of things. I'm not sure why this is, probably somewhat because of my upbringing. I come from a home where I know I am loved, but it's not exactly shown or spoken that often. I think I could count on my hand the number of times I have told my parents that I love them.

I think some of this has crossed over into how I deal with relationships. Some of the people who know me best may disagree with what I am about to say, but I really feel that I don't fall for someone easily. In my entire lifetime there has only been one person that I feel has evoked any sort of emotional attachment to my heart strings.

At times this can be a great quality to have. I can easily break off relationships that I feel aren't working out and move on quite quickly without remorse. It makes the ideas of hookups much easier knowing that I probably won't develop any real feelings for the person anyway. It even helps me focus on other things in life at times because I'm very rarely completely distracted from my life (besides being on my phone far too much) due to a boy.

Yet, this blessing of not having to worry about developing feelings for a person can also quickly become a major curse. Especially when you've decided it would be nice to leave the world of hookups and try this whole "long term monogamous thing". It makes it hard to find someone worth it because no one really makes you feel like taking that step.

Even beyond finding someone to bring up feelings is being able to leave my comfort zone. I know how I work and what seems to be best for me at the time. Leaving my little niche of how I run my life is a very scary thing. It's the idea of being completely vulnerable.

Now because of what I just wrote many of you may be under the impression that I'm a very cold, unemotional person. Which, at times, I can be. I often have an "I don't care attitude" and send out a lot of sarcasm, but at the same time I try my best to be there for those closest to me when I can tell they need it. It's hardly my favorite thing in the world, but I'll do it because I care.

If you follow any of what I write you can probably guess that this post has been spurred on by Chad's return. I was lucky enough to see him last night and it quickly become one of the best nights of my summer, but at the same time one of the worst.

Just seeing his face instantly put me in the best mood I have been in since he left. I had a horrible last week and had spent most of the day with my feet in a trash can of cold water trying to combat the temperatures of our apartment, but seeing him made it all go away. Even today I'm walking around with a spring in my step, wide awake and chipper after only 3 or 4 hours of sleep.

I don't think I've ever seen someone light up as much as he did just looking at me. At every stoplight in the car he would glance over and just smile. During dinner it was just chatter as usual, no awkward silence, no moments of me questioning when I could go home. Then the rest of the evening was just filled with smiles and kisses.

Now that I'm done making you all vomit from cuteness comes the part that I hate. I have feelings for this boy. Some pretty intense ones. Even today after leaving his hotel I just got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Trust me I've had my fair share of having a good evening with a boy, but they've never ended with that feeling.

It was something that took my totally by surprise. I thought I'd just get in my car and go on with my day, but the entire drive back and even right now thinking about it I just have this weird feeling sitting there, not moving.

This is what scares me the most. It seems like I've finally found another person who brings up even the slightest stir of some potentially major feelings and he leaves me in a week. What I'm going to try and do right now is just ignore them. I'll let them be there, but I'm going to do my best to ignore the fact that he's leaving and just make the most of what little time I do have with him.

At the end of the week we can sit down and have a chat and see what's going to happen. I'm sure you'll be the first to know what happens. At times you're the only one who will listen.

Thanks for reading.

-S

Is Monogamy Disappearing?

It's hot today. Like really hot. My apartment is sadly without air conditioning so to try and cool off I took a very long, very cool shower. During that shower my mind began to wander as usual. (I find that some of my best thinking is done in the shower) I began to think about the idea of monogamy. With my   little girlish dreams of a future with Chad comes the question of monogamy. Especially if we would even contemplate trying to make a long distance relationship work.

So this really got me wondering, is monogamy starting to disappear  in this world? I know it's already hard to find in gay relationships, but I feel like I've even noticed less and less of it in straight couples as well. Why is this? Why has our society become so obsessed with finding as many people to "love" as possible?

I've heard many people say that humans aren't meant to love just one person for their entire lifetime. The website AshelyMadison.com is almost geared towards finding married people extramarital affairs. Many people even find that monogamy is a Western invention. It does seem though that humans are not psychologically or physically able to be monogamous. 

While I feel that monogamy makes a good relationship I am definitely not the expert or even the one to go to for advice. I find myself to be a "serial monogamist" I try to be monogamous until I find someone else who happens to strike my interest. Then I end one relationship and move onto the next.

Yet, it seems that some of the best relationships that I've come across are between those who aren't entirely monogamous. 

One example I have is a man I like to call "The Australian." He and I met on an internet site a few months ago and ended up sharing a few evenings together while he was in town. You see, he lived in Australia, worked for a company in Singapore, and was currently stationed in Vancouver. Needless to say he was an insanely interesting man and gorgeous to boot.

Well he and I hooked up, but what was interesting was a conversation we had one of those nights. As we were lying in bed he asked me, "So, do you have a boyfriend?" I didn't at the time so I responded with, "No, do you?" Then he surprisingly said that he did. So my inquisitiveness kicked in and I began to ask more questions.

I found out that he and his "boyfriend" had been together for about 7 years. They had a house together back in Australia. The interesting thing was they had an agreement that they wouldn't be completely monogamous. Why you might ask? Well, it was because The Australian was gone so much. "We're guys. We have needs and there's no reason to deprive ourselves of those needs. I love him very much and he means a lot to me but, sometimes I just need sex and so does he."

To me this was such an odd concept, but at the same time it also made a lot of sense. I'm not sure if I could ever make that kind of a relationship work because I am very much the jealous type. I'm very possessive and hate the thought of letting anyone else have what's mine.   

What I've come to believe is that while humans may not be the best a sexual monogamy maybe we are built for more personal monogamy. It's always comforting to know that there's someone there for you. Someone who after years knows everything about you and knows what you need. Yet, why does being with that person and having that relationship also require sexual monogamy? Maybe that's why it seems that some of the marriages that last the longest are those who have more open relationships, or those who have less open relationships, but are better at hiding their indiscretions. 

In the end I don't think I can really advocate either way. It is something that is very distinct within each couple, but I do believe that everyone should have an open mind to it. It seems that the idea of monogamy is slowly becoming an idea of the ancient past. The real question is how do we change our mindset to it, or even more, should we?

There's Always a Pattern

Reading Twitter today there was a lot of talk about the patterns people find in who they date. There was quite the variety. Friend-zoned, emotionally damaged, well endowed, cocky and mean, basically everything under the sun.

It got me thinking though. What's my pattern? Do I have one?

After some pondering I realized I do have a pattern. Maybe even a few different ones. Either that or my pattern runs in stages. It all boils down to finding a guy, going on some dates, talking for about a month, then moving on to the next one. It seems to happen without fail every time. The only exception being Lance, who lasted almost half a year on and off.

Why do I seem to have this pattern? I thought about that for awhile. Why was Lance different? Well what I seemed to figure out is that when I started dating Lance I gave up everything else. Grindr got deleted, other boys got ignored, and I wrote about him. I wrote A LOT about him.

With every other boy I've stayed on Grindr, I've dated multiple boys at the same time, and just genuinely never let a guy have all of me. I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously protecting myself from ever being totally alone, or if I have commitment issues, or what it is. I do know, though, that if I keep doing that I will eventually end up totally alone. No boy is going to stay around very long if I don't actually commit myself fully to the relationship.

The other pattern I have is finding guys whom I want to commit to, but it doesn't work because they don't actually live here or they aren't interested in committing to me. Yet, maybe that's the reason I want to commit to them is because they won't be able to reciprocate.

This is all on my mind because of the new boy I wrote about a few posts ago. We'll call him Chad. You see Chad already has me wrapped around his finger. He's connected with me in a way that a guy hasn't been able to in a long time. I think I can say no one ever has besides Lance.

The problem is Chad won't be here long. In about a month he actually moves to Grenada for med school. That little detail seems to be something he and I don't really want to acknowledge right now. It seems that we'd much rather focus on each other and getting to know one another better.

It's been in the back of my mind for awhile now. Chad is special. The day after I met him I was ready to delete Grindr, I was ready to let some other options go. It was weird. I wasn't prepared for those feelings as I had decided that right now wasn't a time for a relationship and that I was really just looking for some casual dating and fun.

With Chad though I'm legitimately considering taking on some major commitment. In actuality it almost makes sense. I'm going to be so busy the next few years with school, being an RA, and working two jobs that I'm probably not going to have time for the traditional relationship.  It also seems like he's thinking about the same things that I am. We haven't had a long explicit conversation about it because he's been in California on vacation this passed week, but I kind of feeling one coming.

I'm actually kind of to the point now that Chad has made me feel like there's something different so I mind as well give it a shot. I know that if it doesn't work out I'll probably end up hurt, but I've been hurt before. I've always managed to pick myself back up and move on with life. Right now, though, I'm thinking to myself, "what if it does work?" What if this really is a different one.

I'm really to the point of saying. What the hell. Let's try this.

Pride

Pride.

There are many things that have happend in my life that I can say I am proud of. I'm proud to be the only one in my family to go to college. I'm proud of the friendships I've made. I'm proud of the work I do. Yet, recently I can honestly say that I have never been proud to call myself gay.

Gay. Queer. Fag. Homo. Whatever term you choose, I wasn't proud to be associated with any of it. To me it meant nothing but bad things.

Well, today I went to my first ever Pride Festival. I had a notion of what it might be like in my head, but I was so wrong. Some of the things that I was expecting were there. Gays of course. Some in very little clothing, but what I didn't expect was the huge amount of what I suppose I would label "normal" people.

I guess I was expecting to see a bunch of flamingly gay men running around interspersed with Drag Queens and lesbians. Yet, what I found was a community of people just like any other. A community that was celebrating their differences and trying to bring about change.

See, my view of the gay world is still very skewed. All I know is what I've been taught by society and what limited experience I've had in my two short years of being out and in the community. All I know is Grindr and clubs. Today that view changed. I know that the world I've seen is part of the gay community, but I also forget how normal we all are even with our differences.

As I was watching the parade I quickly came to realize that there are a lot of people out there who really don't care that I'm gay. Actually, they even support the fact. Everything from churches, to bars, to corporations, to politicians marched passed me. All letting me know that it's totally okay that I like men.

It made me actually want to get involved. It made me want to become a bigger part of this new community that has accepted me into their ranks. It made me proud.

I know the gay community is FAR from perfect, but honestly what community is perfect? There is no utopian community out there that can claim that. Today, though, I cam to realize that even with all the imperfections the gay community has I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's a community that has existed forever, but has been hidden away for so long. In just the last few decades so much work has been done. We've fought and battled and have now become what some may consider "The Final Frontier" of the civil rights movement.

Today even help qualm some of the fears I have about coming out to my parents. Today I realized that being gay doesn't automatically make you a slut. You're not automatically going to get AIDS.

Today gave me hope of living the much more normal life I've always wanted for myself. Not normal in the sense of being straight, but normal in the sense that one of the biggest things that has always made me different isn't really all that different. There are a lot of people out there just like me, people who live lives just like I want.

Today, I can finally say that I'm proud to be who I am. 

I'm proud to be gay.

Strings or No Strings

It's Friday night and what I thought I had for plans ended up not really existing. So, here I sit. Just me and Netflix. Tonight I've managed to find that movie "No Strings Attached". For those of you who don't know it's about a two people who meet each other t summer camp and at various points throughout their lives they keep running into each other. Eventually they get together and create a "No Stings Attached" relationship. As usual for the movie world they fall in love, but the girl can't handle it. In the beginning of the movie she says "no one is meant to be together forever."

I can't help but think about that. It's quite a daunting thing to ponder. Is there really somewhere out there waiting for me that I could possibly spend the rest of my life with? In today's world I feel like we see less and less of this. Especially the gay world. It seems that everywhere I turn people are looking for "fun" or NSA relationships. Random hookups seem to run rampant in the clubs and bars. Apps like Grindr, Skout, Manhunt, etc. etc. all help guys find more people to sleep with. So, are we even tying to find that one person anymore?

I know a lot of people will say, "of course I am, but there's no harm in having some fun along the way." While part of me wants to agree with that, there's a part of me that doesn't. I really do believe that every time you do something sexual with a new person you give a little bit of yourself to them. So, what happens then if you give a little bit of yourself to say 30 different people? What do you have left to give to that special person?

Another part of me really believes that it is important to take care of those needs and have some fun. To quote my amazing boss, "You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first would you?" I suppose she has a point. While sex can't build an entire relationship it is an important part. I mean it's one of those special things that you share with the person you're dating. It's a matter of intimacy on a different level. So, if you're not compatible in the bedroom do you really have more than just a strong friendship?

This is where I get so confused, as the only man I have ever loved I never did anything sexual with. So, how could my mind have that level of feeling for him and build that kind of intimacy without having the sexual intimacy?

In the end I really know it comes down to the fear of not wanting to be that creepy old gay guy who lives in a house surrounded by his things and his cats. I want more out of life. I'm even freaking myself out by thinking that someday I may even want a kid.

I met a guy about a week ago who managed to take my breath away. We went on a "date" and at first I didn't like him, but after getting to spend some more time with him he turned out to be the biggest bitch I have ever met.

I completely loved it.

I don't remember the last time I was out with a guy where I was totally myself. With him I didn't hold back. I mean, I was weird, and in the end so was he. We had a nice dinner and he came back to my place where we ended up lying on my bed just talking. I just sat there on my bed getting lost in his eyes. He has the most beautiful blue-geen eyes.

We talked until 2:30am. The whole night slowly moving closer to each other until his arm ended up around me, then we ended up kissing, and eventually we fell asleep talking. His head on my chest, my legs wrapped in his.

It was one of those nights that just seems to perfect to be real. Sadly he left the next day for a two week long vacation. Even more sad is that he doesn't actually live here. He lives in Missouri and works for a company in Minnesota, so he flies up here a lot.

We've been texting a lot. He's been sending me pictures of California and making me jealous. Then we even had the conversation of a future together. It felt so childish, but at the same time it finally gave me a little bit of hope. We joked about how we would move to Southern California. He would be a doctor and I would be doing who knows what. He'd buy the house and I'd buy the cars. Matching Audi S5's and a Range Rover to tow our jet skis.

I know it's WAY to early to actually believe that that would ever actually happen, but it sure is fun to dream. It leaves me wondering though, is there really someone out there for me? I know many will say, "you're only 20, you have a long time to find someone." I know that's true, but sometimes it's just a matter of being impatient.

In a world of hookups and always trying to find something better I think I'm almost ready to say that I'm tired of shopping. I just want to look into that window and see what I want staring back to me and take it off the market for good.

I want that person who accepts me eccentricities. Who lets me do weird things. Who puts up with my sarcasm, or even better, sends it right back. Yet, most of all I just want that person who will make me forget that the world of hookups, dating apps, and all of that even exists.

Maybe I should put more faith in fate. Maybe I should just go out hunting. Maybe I should just concede to being the creepy cat homo. In the end I have no idea what my future holds, but I do know the only way of exiting the hookup/NSA world is going to be by actively fighting against it.

It'll probably be one of the largest challenges I've had yet as a gay man. Hopefully I'm strong enough.

In the end the movie gives some very good advice.

"We don't pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens like it should."

Yes, That's Totally Me

Tell me something. When you try to step back from the world and take it from an overview what would you picture when you thought of gay? Would you see a gay pride rainbow flash across your mind? Would it be the image of two men together? What would it be?

Now take whatever it is you thought and dump it out of your mind. Why? Well plain and simply because you're wrong. There is no way you can define gay. No way you can put it down to just one image, just one saying, just one finite thing. Yes, you can have a technical definition, but is that really what you would consider to encompass the entire idea of gay?

The reason I bring this point up is because I have been thinking about stereotypes a lot lately. I know that the world is filled with them, but at times it seems like the gay world has so many more. If you're gay you fit into a category. It's pretty simple really to outline it all in a table.

Now clearly there are even more stereotypes that I've probably missed, but this just serves as an example. For the most part this is what is expected of gays. You have to fit the stereotype. Why is that? I know that personally I slip right into the ideal twink. I'm tall and skinny with a pretty face. Beyond how I look though, I am NOT the typical twink. I don't have an effeminate personality, I may at times, but overall I'm fairly masculine. I don't dress very "twinkish" and don't even get me started on a sexual position rant.

The thing that bothers me most of all is the idea of who my partner should be. Why does the stereotype have to dictate who I should be comfortable dating? If you read my previous post where I talk about self-image here's a prime example of how that tares me down on a regular basis.

See, I generally try to consider myself as someone without a type, but when I really step back and think about what it is that I want in a man the stereotype says I'll never have it. My dream man is somewhere in the realm of a jock. I like the tall blonde boys with a little bit more muscle attached to them. The problem there is I am FAR from a jock. The stereotype then just says that as a twink I will never get the man of my dreams. Thus, my insecurities about my body, which then lead to more insecurities about my love life and everything else.

While I can't blame the stereotype completely it does play a huge role in the gay world. As gays we have created a world where we may all have been born to stand out from the crowd in the straight world, but in the gay world we all need to fit in.

Well, here's my challenge to you in this post. Don't let a stereotype define you. Define yourself. As gays we have already proved how different and unique we are from the straight world, so why can't we do it again in the world we've created for ourselves?

I'm going to do my best to break my own stereotype. I know many of my friends now disregard the idea of the typical twink. Try it in your life. With a few small actions can come great change.

-S

Chase or Derek?

Go ahead and do me a favor. Before reading all the way though this take a minute to stop and look at these two boys. A hard task I know! Done? Okay, well now take a minute and think about which one of them you would rather go out on a date with.

This one we'll call Chase. Pretty isn't he?




















This one we'll call Derek.

Now, be honest with yourself. Based on just these two simple pictures who would you rather go out on a date with?

I may not be able to read minds and I know there are a lot of exceptions, but I have a feeling that most of you chose Chase, and why wouldn't you? I mean look at him!

Yet, in my short two years of being out and meeting guys I have met a lot more people like Derek. Not so many like Chase. Why is it that in the gay would we all strive to look like Chase. Who cares if he has the intelligence of a rock and the personality of a cactus, he's hot! So naturally he's the obvious choice of person who we as gay men should try to emulate.

I am not trying to preach by any means. I am guilty of the sam offense of ignoring the Derek's of the world and pursuing the Chase's. I've met some of the most amazing guys in this city, but I haven't been able to get past friendship with any of them because I'm not attracted to them.

This is one of the most frustrating things about my "love life". I sit here and let all these Derek's talk to me and compliment me and attempt to sweep me off my feet and in all truth worship the ground I simply walk on. Yet, I never let them in. I never let them past the friendship stage. All because I'm not sexually attracted to them. I'm too busy searching for my Chase, and subsequently being ignored by him.

What's even worse is the idea of self-image that's attached to all of this. Just the other night I had a discussion with a boy I would consider myself highly interested in. He also happens to be one of the first boys I have been insanely attracted to. He explained to me that he always had this fear of rejection in meeting new guys. When I inquired as to why he explained that he used to be very over weight and had major acne. Well from looking at him now, no one would ever believe that. Yet, he said "the problem is when I look in the mirror I still see the fat me. The me no one ever wanted. I guess it's just something I've never gotten over."

Hearing that made me think about what it is that I see when I look in the mirror. I've heard somewhere that there are very few people who can look at themselves in the  mirror for more then 10 seconds and not think of a flaw they have. I know I do that. Either I poke and prod at a zit, or hate how my ears aren't at an even height, or my nose is too big. Always finding flaws. 

What is it about people, especially gay men. Why do we always have to search for our flaws and why do we never believe the compliments that we are given. Even more so, why is it that those who are confident in what they have are considered jerks or egotistical. Is it because they seem to be the only one that everyone wants and we're jealous? Or is it really because we see them as perfection and want to be able to look in the mirror and do that ourselves.

Well here's my challenge to you. Take some time. Look in the mirror, but this time instead of finding flaws find something that you feel  good about. If you don't like something really ask yourself why. Then remember if it's that giant nose that you hate would you really be you without it? Yeah it might be hard to drink out of a champagne flute or it might get in the way when you're going in for a kiss, but it's yours. 

I once saw someone write; "There's only one of me in the galaxy. I'm an endangered species." If each and everyone of us is unique and different why do we always have to stive to be Chase. If we all looked like that would the world really be that much better?

-S 

I Need My Therapist

Well I know this is my first post in quite a long time. My problem is I forget how much blogging really seems to help me. It's one of those I write religiously for awhile and then I feel better about myself, so I stop writing. Then it's just a slow regression back to feeling like crap and being lost in my own world again.

I had a friend, well I'm not sure if I can call him that (he's really more of a person I stalk on Twitter) tweet today that his blog is his therapist. I thought about it for awhile and realized that I totally agree. In the past month or two I've kind of turned my life into a complete and utter shit show because I haven't taken the time tor really stop and look at what it is I've been doing.

Now I haven't like completely ruined my life or anything. I've still done a lot right. I just recently started a new job, I've moved into an apartment for the summer with two of my best friends from school, and I've managed to meet some very nice people.

Outwardly it still seems like I've got all my shit together. On the inside though, I'm back to being pretty messed up. I don't remember what I've blogged about in the past so I'll throw in a refresher for those of you who care to read.

Lance, my ex managed to come back into my life for a short time. We saw each other for almost two months before we called it quits again. He really has changed and  so much for the better, but I just wasn't really able to move on from the past we had. It was hard, but I think it was really time to let him go.

Since then though, not much good has come about in my life. I made the stupid decision of downloading Grindr again. For those of you who don't know Grindr is a phone app that is basically a gay GPS. Well, as usual, I've become completely addicted to it. I'm constantly checking for new messages and seeing who's around. Now since downloading it again I can honestly say I've met about 3 of the best people I've ever met, but I've also gotten into a little trouble with it.

My "number" if you know what I'm referring to has grown by about 3 in the past two weeks with about 4 more lurking in the shadows. The problem is my mind is still telling me that's not the person I want to be. I don't want to be the stereotypical gay guy who sleeps with every guy who says hi and has a witty compliment. The problem is that it's just so easy for me to find guys like that.

Well that's jist of what's been going on in my life lately. I'm sure there will be some more posts coming soon. I've got a lot on mind that will surely be coming out in blog form soon enough!

-S

I made a liar out of myself!

Well it looks like I've made a liar out of myself. I haven't posted in quite awhile again. I don't have much new to post on. In fact I've been rather disappointed with myself lately. As the semester has been winding down I've had an insanely hard time focusing on anything but wanting to crawl into bed and go to sleep.

It's actually rather depressing to think about. I just hate the fact that I cannot seem to motivate myself anymore. In high school I was so driven and so active, but now in college it's almost like that drive has disappeared. I did get a kick in the rear on Friday. We had an executive from a multi-billion dollar company come in to two of my classes and speak and everything he said seemed so perfect for me. He reminded me of all the goals I had for myself at the end of high school.

I've had big dreams since I was a kid. I've always felt like I was going to go far in life and do great things, but lately it's been confusing as to what those great things are going to be and I'm really starting to fear failure. There are so many people that are basically expecting me to succeed, some of them are even depending on it. Yet, the issue here is if I let my fear of failure get in the way I have basically already failed without even trying.

I just need to find a way to motivate myself every morning. Something that reminds me of why I'm here. So many opportunities have been stuck right in front on my face. Now I need to pounce on them and start performing like I know I can.

Well, that's that! Sorry for the rather boring, rambling post. I promise they'll get better soon. I've got some good ones that have been brewing in my head for quite awhile! As always thanks for reading!

-S

The Realization of a Need

Well, for those of you who've been a dedicated reader you may have noticed I've been on a hiatus lately. I had some experiences that just brought home the realization of how many people were actually reading this and who they were and it got a little scary. So, again for those regular followers, sorry for some of the changes you may have noticed, but just go with them!

Now onto something more important. Why I'm back to writing again. Well the past few weeks have been good to me and I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part, but I realized that good mood was because I had everything sorted out in my head because of this blog. Once I stopped writing things got jumbled up all over again and my good mood disappeared and I had a short movement back into my old ways of thinking and coping, which clearly haven't been working for me.

So I've decided it's time to start writing again, only maybe with a little more discretion. It's an internal struggle for me because I really love being able to put my story out there and just have everyone read it, but it's also hard to not be able to control who's reading my story. For some reason it's a lot easier to write to strangers instead of people I know reading this. Well, if you know me personally and happen to stumble upon this just don't let me know. Just let me live in my little blissful world of strangers.

Well for now that's my return. I should really be doing homework, so I'll try that. I'm sure I'll be writing something in a few hours though! Stay tuned!

-S

Learning a Little More

The past few days I've decided to start a new little project. You see I've been writing to work thorough the issues in my life for a lot longer than this blog has been around. I've gotten some feedback lately that it seems the people who have stumbled upon this really seem to connect with a lot of what I'm writing about.

Well, after some mental debate I've decided that I'm going to make all of my writings public. I've spent the last few days transcribing my handwritten journal into blog form. These journals begin when Lance and I first started dating, so if you'd like to learn more about how those events of my life transpired look here:

ptpwjournals.blogspot.com

Now this little blog isn't pretty, it merely serves as a place for me to keep those journals and for those of you who have the time and may be interested to take a peek at them. I will also put a disclaimer in that these were written almost 6 months ago and I was in a very different place in my life at that time.

I felt that since then I have grown and matured a lot. Maybe I haven't but either way please be gentle. They were written by a love struck 19 year old. Also, please remember that my renewed relationship with Lance is less than a week old, so it's still taking it's time to move back to what it was.

Without you, I would be nothing.

*Disclaimer to read all of this post will take you quite awhile!

Life has an odd way of giving you something the very moment you need it.

Or in some cases keeping something from you that you're practically begging for until you're ready.

The past few days have been a blur for me. A blur that contains an amazing amount of confusion. Not only has life thrown me a massive curveball that I never expected, but my life has really shown me what I have to be thankful for and how much love surrounds me.

I feel as though a lot of my time blogging so far has been spent complaining. When instead I should be raving about all the wonderful things I have in my life.

This post of course does not come unprovoked.

http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
http://www.danoah.com/2012/04/a-teens-brave-response-to-im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

These two links were sent to me in a Facebook message today.

The words that followed were simply "I love you Seany."

There have been a lot of times in my life where I have felt utterly alone, unaccepted, and basically hopeless. Right now. At this very moment and day, is NOT one of those times. In fact I have never felt more accepted and supported than I do today.

You see while this blog originally started a few weeks ago as a random spur of the moment thing as a place to put my thoughts. It has already done more good in my life that I could have ever imagined. It has given me a place to work though some of the issues that have been weighing on my shoulders for a very long time.

In the past few weeks I have been working through a lot of my frustrations with relationships, coming out, and a few other random things here and there. It all seemed to come to somewhat of a final conclusion this week.

If you've been following you know my ex-boyfriend Lance has recently decided to make a reappearance in my life. This was the curveball I had never expected. After almost 6 months of being broken up I thought I had finally been able to push him out of my life and I would be able to move on, but in a matter of minutes he was back.

What did he want you might ask? Dinner. He said he wanted dinner. He explained that I had come up in conversation recently and he couldn't stop thinking about me. In fact he had been lying in bed for the past two hours telling himself how much of an idiot he was for letting me go. He also said he knew he didn't deserve it and that he understood if I said no.

No. With Lance the word no isn't in my vocabulary. So of course I agreed to have dinner with him. I was skeptical that he would even show up, but I'd at least give him the chance. Boy was I impressed. He came though with flying colors and is continuing to impress me everyday.

Much of the reason we broke up was because Lance was a major pot head. I happen to be one of those people who is totally opposed to drugs. I have my own reasons for that, but I won't bore you. Well he's been drug free for 4 months now and the change is amazing. Gone is the flakiness, the boy void of emotions, the airheadedness. All of that has been replaced with the Lance I first met. The amazingly intelligent, sweet boy.

Well I will keep the rest of that story for another post, but the main point is life threw me a curveball the day my phone rang and he was on the other end. Especially seeing as how I felt I had finally gotten to the point where I was okay with being alone for awhile. Ready to live the single life. It seems as though life was waiting for me to get to that point before letting Lance back in my life.

Now back to the support, and everything I have to be thankful for. The night of that fateful phone call I stammer up the steps to my best friends dorm. Plop myself on her bed shaking and can only manage to say, "Lance just called. We're getting dinner tomorrow night."

Now here's where I feel the support. Instead of sitting there and trying to talk me out of it she begins to question me. Not to get answers for herself, but instead questions I need to be asking myself. Making sure I really know what it is that I want and what it is I'm getting myself into. Genuinely making sure I won't get hurt again.

This is the kind of friend everyone needs. This is the definition of love. I can honestly say that the only reason I am here today as the strong person I am is because of the friends I have made over the past year. Without their love and support I would be nowhere as confident with who I am. They have done everything right. They have sat by and listened to me babble on about boy after boy. (Trust me there have been a lot of them) They have consoled me when I've cried my heart out. They've given opinions and advice. They've honestly done nothing but support me in everything I do. The good and the bad. Over the past two years my friends have become the family I have always longed for.

Without them I would be nothing.

I know many of them will never read this, but a few of them will. To them all I can say is thank you. I owe you my life, for without you I wouldn't have it. You're love has kept me going and kept me happy during the time of my life that has been the most difficult. You have accepted me, unconditionally, for who I am, good and bad. I can never repay what you have given me. I am now able to go into any situation fearless knowing that at the end of the day you will all be there. Ready to catch me when I fall. Ready to share in my success. Ready to cry with my heartbreak. Ready for anything that may come my way.

Without you, I would be nothing.

-S

It's All in the Eyes

"The eyes are the window to your soul"

One of my middle school teachers told us that. Lately I've found that it is so true. There's just something about someones eyes that can explain so much. At one single glace you can see so many emotions. Happiness, anger, sadness, hate, and love. All can be expressed through these two small things.

I've been spending a lot of time looking deeply into peoples eyes lately. Once you get past the awkward glances you get from people once they figure out what you're doing you can really learn a lot about someone.

The most recent example I can think of the illustrate my point is what happened last night. If you've been keeping up you know I had a date with Lee planned. I spent a lot of time examining his eyes, trying to figure out what he was feeling as the evening moved a long.

At the beginning of the even it was hard to tell, and then we were trapped in a dark movie theater for a few hours so there wasn't much I could see of his eyes. After the movie we went out for sushi. While we were eating Lee got some great news in an email I could see the surprise and happiness in his eyes immediately.

After sushi we ended up at some party and again I was focused on his eyes. They were happy, but anytime they glanced over at me they changed. See I didn't know anyone here and when I don't know anyone I can become the shy little wallflower that doesn't say much. every time Lee had a chance to look at me his eyes would give me the silent question of "Are you ok? Do you want to leave?" I would always do my best to shoot back an answer of "I'm fine. Stop worrying." and flash the cutest smile I own.

Once we were done with our socializing it was time to take Lee home and call it a night. Here comes the twist of events. My phone rings during the short drive back to Lee's apartment. it's a number I don't have in my phone so I'm pretty confused as to who would be calling me at 12:30 on a Wednesday night.

I answered and right after the "Hi" comes across I knew immediately who it was. Lance. I was dumbstruck. I never thought I would hear this boys voice again. It's been almost 4 months since I last heard it. I quickly informed him that I was driving and had to drop someone off and said I'd call him back in about 5 mins.

I hung up and just couldn't speak. Then I came back to reality and remembered Lee was in the car. "Ummmmm, that was my ex.." was all I managed to spurt out.

"How did things end between you two?" was Lee's question. I gave him a quick run-down of what happened between the two of us. This was when his eyes changed again. They weren't looking at me with that happiness they had before. They had changed. This time time a very somber, almost sad tone. I could see the genuine concern in his eyes as I told him what had happened between us. Once my story was done we chatted about our evening and said a quick goodbye.

"So you're going to call him back?" Lee said. "well yeah" was what I got out. "Don't let him trick you. I know who exes can be." With that Lee got out of the car. before he closed the door he bent back down and looked at me with some of the most caring eyes I have ever seen. "Well, let me know how it goes... just out of curiosity." Then he was gone.

I left and called Lance back, but I couldn't get that image of Lee out of my mind. Just more proof to me that they eyes truly are the windows to your soul.

-S